If I Mean Anything To You (Fuenciado)

Fuck Money, We Want Love

Jaime's POV

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I heard a thud on the floor in the lounge area. Eh,  Mike probably dropped his phone or something. I didn't think twice about it. I went ahead and got dressed and went to my bunk. Weird, Vic wasn't already there. I sat there for a few moments by myself, waiting for him. The sound of hysterical giggling made me get up from my bunk. I went to Vic's bunk, he wasn't in there. Okay...I went to the front longue to find Vic on the floor, giggling like he'd heard the funniest joke on the planet. I kneeled down to him and made him look up at me.

"Vic, baby, can you hear me?" I asked him quietly. He stopped laughing, his grin fading to a thin, straight line. "Vic?" He wiggled away from me and threw up violently, his whole body shaking with the vomit. He was shit-faced. It hadn't taken me that long to shower...had it? It didn't matter how long I was in the shower, the problem was that Vic was drunk and nowhere near stable on his own.

"Jaime? Jaime?" Vic whimpered softly. I went over to him. He looked up at me, his eyes red from the force of his vomiting. "I'm sorry." He mumbled out, his tongue clumsy and slipping over the words. I dropped my gaze from his and helped him to his feet. He repeated his apology over and over to me as I put him in his bunk. I laid him on his side and put a small trash can next to his bed, just in case he had to throw up again. I hated seeing him like this. It broke my heart. But he wouldn't tell me what was going on. What was making him do this to himself. I closed the curtain to his bunk and went back to my own. I laid there, staring at the bunk above mine.

I hadn't wanted to come to terms with Vic's suicide attempt. It was just to heart-breaking to think that someone so wonderful was hurting so much. So I avoided thinking about it. I told Vic that it never happened, that it was all a dream. No, I wasn't delusional. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. I wished that it had never happened. But I'd be lying if I said that there weren't other things that I shoved under the rug, due to my unwillingness to discuss them. For example, the time I pushed Vic out of the way of an oncoming vehicle.

We'd been in Kansas, two shows scheduled and had been staying in a on the side of a road the night before. Vic and I were talking a walk by ourselves that night. He'd wanted ice cream and who was I to say no to him? On our way back, we had to cross the road. There had been minimal traffic, and we could've crossed it with ease. I crossed the road, only to find Vic standing in the middle of the road, watching a car approach him.

"Vic! C'mon, there's a car coming!" I called to him from the sidewalk. He didn't move.

"I know. I see the car coming." Vic replied evenly. I wasn't sure what to say to him at first. The car fast approaching, and Vic not even bothering to move. "You can go on, Jaime. I'll be fine."

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not leaving you behind."

"You ever wonder what being dead feels like?"

"Vic, I swear to God-"

"I do. I wonder about it all the time." Vic stared at me, his eyes glistening with tears. "I'd like to feel it."

"Vic, get out of the goddamned way!" I yelled as the car was less than ten feet away, and wasn't slowing down. I ran across the road, not caring about my own safety and tackled Vic to the other side of the road. I could feel him crying into my chest. I helped him stand and we walked back to the bus in silence. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to bombard him with questions. So neither of us talked about it or mentioned it again.

Thinking back to that day when I really thought I'd lost Vic, made me want to go to him, curl up and never let him go. But I couldn't do that. Not that I didn't want to, it was because there was no point in doing so. He wouldn't remember that night. Nor what he said to me. I don't care what it takes, I want him to be the happy Vic I knew.

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"Who the fuck drunk all my motherfucking whiskey?!" Mike yelled to the rest of the bus. I could hear numerous voices claiming it wasn't them. I sat up in bed and rubbed at my eyes. I'd tell Mike what happened, but in private. I opened the curtain to my bunk and went to the bathroom. I got the Advil and some water and went to Vic's bunk. He groaned at the sudden light in his bunk as I pushed open the curtain. I crawled into the bunk next to him and shut the curtain back. I handed him the pills and water. He took them gratefully.

"Thanks, babe. Ugh, I feel like shit, what happened?" He downed the Advil and chased them with the water. I shrugged.

"I dunno. I found you on the floor laughing your ass off. You puked and I helped you to bed." I short-handed it. He grimaced at me.

"Aw, fuck. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you tonight, promise." Vic kissed my cheek lightly. I flashed him a small half-smile.

"You can make it up to me right now." I told him. He smirked mischievously and started kissing my neck. I back away from him a little. "No, not that way. Babe, tell me what's wrong?" He frowned at me.

"Nothing's wrong." Vic told me, stubborn as a mule. I wasn't going to push it. He'd tell me when he wanted to.

"Okay. Uh, I have to go talk to Mike." I left his bunk, not bothering to say much else to him. Was it me that was hurting him? No, I hadn't done anything bad, not that I could think of. I frowned. Vic had something weighing on his mind, and he really didn't want to tell me what it was. Did he not trust me? After a year, he all of a sudden didn't trust me? Or maybe it was a surprise for me. And everyone else was in on it...No. If it was a gift of some sort, he wouldn't have attempted suicide. He wouldn't have drunk himself to sleep like that. I needed to think. I didn't want Vic to see how much his not letting me in was getting to me. But it was. I walked off the bus, past everyone, without even a hello. I had no idea where we were, or where I was going. But I needed to think, and I needed to figure out why Vic would be killing himself the way he was.