Shattered Thoughts : Book Two (Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier)

Chapter 14

  Bucky froze, staring in horror at the flat green line on the heart monitor. As though he was in a daze, he felt Steve push him out of the way, as Bruce tried to get Willow's heart beating again. Then suddenly, everything started moving again, Bucky lunged towards Willow, but Steve grabbed him and wrestled him out of the lab. Pinning him to the wall in the hallway. 

 Steve slammed him into the wall as Bucky struggled to get away, "Buck, listen to me. There is nothing you can do for Willow, absolutely nothing. Bruce and Natasha are in there with her, if they can help her they will. If you go in there, you'll get in their way. Okay buddy?" With that Steve slowly let go of Bucky and stepped back. 

 "Your-Your right Steve," Bucky said, his voice shaking. 

 Bucky sank down against the wall, his head in his hands, trying to accept what had just happened. Willow had died, and Bruce was trying to bring her back. Willow couldn't die, Bucky didn't think he could go on without her. Willow was always there, she was there for him when he woke screaming from nightmares, when he was riddled with guilt about what he had done. Bucky would never admit this to anyone, no one but Willow knew, but Bucky had attempted suicide three times. Three times after all of his memories came back to him; the first time was when he hadn't been able to live with the knowledge that he'd killed two 21 year old mutants, right in front of their three year old son. The second when he'd been unable to live with the guilt of nearly killing Steve, and thinking that life would be better for Steve if Bucky wasn't around. The third time had been when Bucky's nightmares hadn't allowed him to sleep for a week, and the overall guilt of what he had done made him think that he didn't deserve to live. Each time Willow had found him, and bandaged him, up. The third time, she'd slapped him. Bucky remembered her exact words, "Listen up you stupid idiot. You try this again, and I'll tell Steve. How dare you think that people could just go on living if you died. Steve would be devastated, after all the crap he went through to get you back. And what about me? How am I supposed to go on knowing that you couldn't find a single reason to go on living?" She'd ranted at him for a solid twenty minutes, and then sat next to him, hugging him for the rest of the night. He couldn't live if she didn't.