Effeminate Within

Chapter Twenty-seven

    Chapter 27

WHEN GREG VISITED me two weeks ago, I told him that I was ending everything about him and me. Making such decision gave me sleepless nights, but I was doing it for what I thought would be best.

"We are still friends, right?" He asked, holding me at both of my shoulders tightly.

I shook my head. That was not a good idea.

"Why? Nic, look at me. Next semester will be my last stay in that university and I don't know how we will see each other again after it."

I couldn't look at him. His eyes were already red and I couldn't make myself look at those teary eyes. It made me weak. It made me feel bad. "Will you imagine what you are saying first, Greg? We are breaking up now. And if we are going to keep in touch, it would be harder for the both of us to erase the past."

He faked a smile. "But the past is not meant to be erased. It is meant to be part of us, Nic. I am part of you. We can't just ignore each other."

I kept my eyes stuck to his shoes. "No, Greg. We can ignore each other. It's just like we are strangers. When you see me then just ignore me. Don't say hi or don't smile at me, because I will do the same." I tried to be harsh with my words I had to be. "You can date someone and forget about me. And Karen, you seem like you still have feelings for her. At least now you can follow what your mom wants for you."

He cursed. "Why are you always bringing up Karen? When I told you I am done with her, I am done with her. And please, don't push me to other people. It's just you I want to be with." Greg said, sliding his hands from my shoulders to my waist.

I wanted to say that I loved him and that I wanted to be with him forever. But there's no forever for us and telling him that my love for him never gone would not help us. Instead, I found for strength to look at him in the eye. "You have to leave. Now. We can't talk anymore."

His jaw was quivering like he would collapse. Tears were messing up his handsome face. "No," He searched for my hands and firmly grasped them as he leaned to kiss me.

But I shook off his hands and thrust him by his chest making him step backward. His eyes were wide open, taken aback by my action.

Hesitantly, he slowly turned away and started walking out.

I held myself up for a moment as I watched him disappear before I walked inside the house and collapsed. He was gone. We were done.

I crawled to the couch and cried. I cut my life and abandoned my sanctuary. It hurt. So. Much. I couldn't breathe. I was choked by my sobs and drowned by my tears. No one was in the house to pacify me. Mom went to work and The Girls were at their houses. I wanted to call Yvonne, but what for? I murdered myself. I was both the suspect and the victim.

Finding myself helpless, I coiled myself there and obligated myself to calm down and relax until I fell asleep while praying for fortitude, so I could leave the past where it belonged.

Another week past, but I couldn't tell whether the weight on my shoulder lightened or it was still the same as last week. I spent most of the days listening to radio programs and lying down on the bed. Mom didn't ask and I was thankful for that. I was not sure if I wanted to talk to anyone. I just wanted it all to keep to myself. After all, it wasn't like something good to share to other people. Mom and my friends had already helped me more than I deserved. They had already justified their presence in my life. It wasn't easy, but they gave me a cause to wake up for the next day and move forward.