Beautiful With You (Norman Reedus)

Chapter 15

The next morning I woke up, not having moved from my bed at all yesterday. My eyes felt like someone had wiped sandpaper over them. I knew they were bloodshot and red rimmed the shine in them dimmed. I looked a miserable mess and there was nothing I wanted to do about it. I sighed as I got dressed and began to wash my face, trying to get rid of any evidence that I was crying. I slowly got dressed in some skinny jeans and a Cheap Trick shirt. It fit me perfectly and yet I couldn't help but feel like this ugly monster. I felt like my fat rolls were showing but I didn't want to change. It was Christmas Eve and I didn't have to work. I wish that I could go home and see my family, but I didn't have the money right now but I would call them. It was the least that I could do, I wanted to hear my mom's voice.

I grabbed my jacket and slipped it on, buttoning it up and putting on a knit hat, covering my hands with the gloves that were in the pocket. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door, shutting it and turning the key. I pocketed the keys and headed down the stairs of my apartment. I didn't feel like taking the elevator because of how rickety it is. I chewed on my lip as I thought about yesterday and how Katrina said all those things to me. I wonder if she had told Norman, I am sure that he wouldn't be too happy with me. I sighed as I tried to change my train of thought but her words were still echoing in my head about how I would never be good enough for him. I knew she was right and I was kidding myself when I thought that I had a chance with him.

I was lost in thought and didn't pay attention to where I was going. I didn't really have a set destination so I was walking around aimlessly. I know that I should be paying attention to where I was going, but I couldn't bring myself to get out of my thoughts. It seems to be the only thing that I could really do these days. I honestly haven't turned my phone back on because I was afraid of what would be on there. I still didn't want to talk to anyone, wanting to suffer alone and try and work all of this out. This had really messed me up and I had let myself get sucked up into it. That was my first mistake. The second one was to believe that he was falling for me also. He seemed genuine and really an amazing guy, but this is what happens when I believe in something. I rubbed a gloved hand down my face as I looked up to see where I was. I looked around me and tried to find a landmark that might help me and I muttered to myself, cursing under my breath.

"Fucking damn it. Stupid ass," I called myself, berating myself for not paying attention to where I was going. I shook my head and just turned the way I had came and just began to walk in that direction. I am sure that I would find my way back home. I had meant to walk towards the diner but I guess that wasn't what happened. I looked up at the street signs, trying to see if I knew any of them but none of them were ringing a bell. I was directionally challenged as it was, now add the fact that I got lost I was hopeless. I tried to stop people to ask them for directions but they were all too busy moving to where they wanted to go. Some of them glared at me while others just ignored me and I could feel my anxiety growing; which reminded me that I didn't even take my anxiety medicine. I groaned and felt like the world was against me as I growled out.

"WHY ME?" I screamed out, looking up at the sky, the snow falling down lazily as it covered the ground.

Even with me screaming no one stopped to help me and that made me hate people even more. They were all selfish. I pulled at the ends of my hair as I felt the panicky feeling rising up and causing me to start breathing heavily, turning this way and that as I tried to find my way back. Tears were gathering in the corner of my eyes as I tried to keep myself together but I couldn't. I was going to have a breakdown.

"Fuck," I wheezed out as I couldn't get enough air into my lungs, my throat tightening. I was going to pass out. I just knew it. I could see the stars dancing behind my eyes as I tried to keep it together, leaning against the cold brick of some random building as I kept trying to take deep breaths, trying to control my breathing and find my happy place.