I Know Places / b.s.

+ true fix

-prepare for an emotional rollercoaster-

It's raining again and the dreary weather seems to be matching my mood...again. This time the rain is accompanied by thunder and lightning which makes it impossible for me to find motivation to do anything but curl up in a ball and watch movies. It also gives me time to think. As I pull the blanket closer to me my flashy ring catches my eye. It's been six weeks since I last saw him. That's a month and a half of not seeing his adorable face; no kisses, no secrets shared through thin bedsheets and minimal love. Love that--for now--can only be transcribed through texts and spoken through staticky phone calls.

When it gets like this we both feel it and we both can't help but make it worse. Bad attitudes and snarky comments because of the building frustration that's bound to pop the moment one of us loses it. I was happy for weeks after our engagement because I thought, hey, this is everything I wanted, but then I realized no, this isn't everything I wanted. I want him home and maybe I'm selfish for saying it, but don't I deserve to be?

Eventually I take myself to bed and though it's almost too early to go to sleep, I drift off into a deep dark void. The world around me shifts and I smell gasoline and I feel heat. Crackling of flames and the faint sound of sirens. My body wants to move but I'm stuck. It's almost like my mouth or nose won't function properly because I can't breath, yet smoke is filling them rather quickly. Screams fill my ear and I realize it's me, yelling at Charlie to wake up.

I sit up quickly, gasping for air. The room around me is still and dark, illuminated only a bit by the moonlight and a few street lights. I put my hand to my racing heart and lay back down, rolling to the side where Brad normally sleeps. It's been weeks so the sheets have been washed, riding them of his smell and it makes me even sadder.

Crying because I miss him feels as pathetic as I sound right now as my sobs fill the quiet void. I push my face into the soft pillow and try to find comfort in knowing he once slept here and that he will be back, but it doesn't do much. There's a lot I wish we could figure out now because I feel like I'm running out of time. Like the hardships we've had are expired.

Because really, how much distance can a person take? Do relationships truly work out from thousands of miles away? There might be an ocean away from us but I've cried more oceans than I can swim in and I'm starting to drown.

• • •

Mom's rambling on about something with her sisters right now that I can't really care to hear. I can't stop thinking about this morning, waking up to a pillow soaked in tears. I'm not even sure how much sleep I got but the way I feel now tells me not enough.

Someone mentions the wedding but I push my salad around even more, not bothering to look up at the woman speaking. Maybe it's rude, but I'm tired and moody. Brad hasn't texted me all day and that makes it almost forty eight hours since we last spoke---text or call.

By the time I get home I think maybe I should just call him and see why he hasn't called me. It would kill some of my curiosity or it would crush me like a bug if he didn't answer. I sit on the edge of my bed, staring down at my phone before I get the nerve to press his contact.

It's start to ring in my ear. I play with a lose string on my dress and swallow back my fear. More and more ringing until the line crackles with static and movement. Then I hear faint chatter in the background, followed by his voice.