My Camelot Romance (A Merthur Fanfiction)

Chapter 31

(Talking about depression and self harm)

There's only one word that can truly explain what the other boys did as soon as Merlin walked out of the cab he and Arthur had taken from the hospital. They tackled him. They tackled him straight to the ground. Gwaine threw himself around the skinny boy's neck. Lancelot followed just as quickly after and soon Elyan and Leon was wrapping their arms around him as well. Percival joined last although his excitement to see the boy return from hospital matched the others perfectly. It didn't take much before they all fell down onto the soft grass with Merlin between them. They were all laughing and left Arthur standing on the side, paying the cab. "Is there any room for me?" He asked jokingly to which Gwaine replied with a sinister yet mockful voice. "Oh you've had him all to yourself for days!" Lancelot peaked his head up from the pile and had his arm wrapped tightly around Merlins neck. "Yeah! Ever heard of sharing?!" Arthur simply rolled his eyes and grabbed Merlin bag from the trunk. During the process, the other boys slowly rolled away from Merlin. Percival pulled him up with one hand and dragged him into one last hug. The others walked away with Arthur in the back. Merlin then quickly reached out a hand for Arthur to grab and Leon took Merlins bag from Arthur's arm. The blonde kissed Merlin on the cheek and wrapped his arm around his hip. Percival was still holding around Merlins shoulder but placed his hand on Arthur's back as soon as he joined the group hug. They were all laughing as they walked back to their room.

----------------------------------------------

When Merlin took his shirt off he could not stop thinking about Mordred's hands touching his scars. The kiss was one thing. Invading his personal bubble. Stepping on his boundaries and treating him like nothing. But for a stranger to see his body. Scars and wounds and marks. It was a whole other thing. He was still a little uncomfortable to let Arthur see his scars so when a complete stranger saw them and took advantage of his vulnerable state. It hurt.

Merlin shook off the feeling, put on a fresh shirt and crawled under the duvet. He grabbed "It's Kind Of A Funny Story" and began reading. He didn't really notice until he felt someone sit down on the edge of his bed. He looked up from the book in his lap and saw that Gwaine was sitting on the end of his bed. "Hey. You okay?" Merlin sighed and closed his book. It was time. It was about damn time they knew exactly what had happened in his life that made him so strange. He gave Gwaine a weak smile. "I'd like to tell you something. All of you." Leon scrunched up his brows in worry and  walked over and stood behind Gwaine. Percival walked over as well and placed a hand on Gwaine's shoulder. Soon Elyan and Lancelot was there as well. Both sitting at the end of the bed with Gwaine. Merlin pulled his legs up to his chest so the others could have more room to sit. Arthur knew this was a vulnerable topic for Merlin. He sat down next to the pale boy and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Merlin looked down a his knees and swallowed. "You deserve to know." Lancelot reached out and placed a hand on Merlins knee. "You know we're here for you right? We are your friends Merlin. No matter what." Merlin smiled to Lancelot and then to the rest of the boys in the room. He nodded and took a deep breath. The others awaited enthusiastically for Merlin to talk. Merlin tried to find the words. It was so hard to know where to begin. How to begin. He swallowed once more and started to fiddle with his hands. His knees sunk to each side and he rested his hands in his lap.

Now or never.

"I've... I used to be bullied. I used to get pushed around every single day. You know... The usual. Pushed up against lockers, flip books out of my hands. But... Well..." He furrowed his brows to think thoroughly what he would say next. Gwaine scooted a little closer. "There was this boy I thought was my friend. We had been friends for as long as I could remember. And... Um... I told him. That... I... Had a crush. On one of the boys in my class." Arthur stroke Merlins arm and the skinny boy swallowed back the lump in his throat. "... And... Well... He told everyone. He told everyone I was gay and that's more or less when hell broke lose." Gwaine gave Merlins foot a little squeeze and Merlin chuckled. Although it was clear that a few teardrops was starting to fall. "... The attacks got a little more... Violent. They'd throw in a few more punches, trip me a little harder than usual, just minor differences..." Merlin reached up and dried his eyes quickly before continuing. "one time they found me in the showers after PE... They... They pushed me to... Um to the... To the wall. They started punching, kicking..." Merlin took a deep breath and both Gwaine and Leon reached out to grab Merlins legs as a form of comfort. Merlin swallowed once more and for the first time he looked up. All the worried faces made the tears roll even more and his face scrunched up. He started to wave with his hands as he explained. "They kicked me and hit me and pushed me until I fell. And I thought... You know... That was it. But it wasn't... They started kicking. And kicking and kicking and kicking and... My head eventually hit the wall behind me just a little too hard and I started to bleed from my skull. It was just a small hole but it was still there. I still needed stitches..." Merlin nodded to himself and wiped some of the tears away. "I thought... I... I thought that was it you know... It was a one time coincidence... But... Well... You've already seed some of my bruises so you of all people know I was wrong." Merlin chuckled but nobody else in the room seemed to laugh. Merlin wiped some more tears away and Arthur gave his shoulder a firm squeeze. Merlin continued. He blinked some of the tears out and sighed softly.
"I tried to kill myself once." He could hear some of the boys let out slightly audible gasps. Merlin swallowed and nodded to himself. "Sleeping pills. Stole my mums. She found me in my room and rushed me to the hospital... I told her about the bullying. Left out a lot. Including the self harming..." He glanced up quickly before looking down again. "There isn't that much to say about it... I guess I just started hating myself so much that I decided that the pain I got from them wasn't enough you know... And... Um... I think... I think I found some comfort to make myself bleed I guess... It sort of felt that I had control of some of the pain..." He sighed once more, wiped his eyes and smiled to the others. It was a painful smile. But it still had that little Merlin spark shining through. "But then I started here. My mum thought I needed a better school and as soon as we got the offer from Gaius we accepted. And things finally started to get better." He grabbed Gwaine's hand and smiled to the others. "I met new friends..." He looked over at Arthur. "Got an amazing boyfriend..." He glanced over at Will's bed and let his eyes linger at the empty bed. "Met someone who shared my passion for books..." He looked down again and swallowed. "A lot of things happened and people I cared about had to leave. Everything just hit me and... A lot of feelings I had bottled up for years suddenly broke loose that night. It just felt like the reason everyone had to leave was my fault and that you might think so as well. I guess the stress just came over me. The thought of this place turning into Ealdor... Losing my friends... My mind just started running in circles and I just fell apart I guess." He could feel another hand grab his and he looked up to meet the persons look. Lancelot smiled to him kindly. "None of this is your fault Merlin. Nobody here blames you. And none of us would ever hurt you like those monsters used to you know that." Merlin nodded and swallowed back a sob. Arthur kissed his temple and Gwaine crawled over to give Merlin a hug. Lancelot did so as well and Percival sat down on the other side of Merlin. Elyan smiled to Merlin fondly. "Thank you so much for sharing Merlin. It really means a lot." The skinny boy chuckled and rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry for keeping you up so late. We should probably all go to bed before I get you guys into more trouble." The others chuckled and returned to their beds. "You're probably the only one here who keeps us out of trouble." Chuckled Leon as he returned to his bed. Arthur lifted Merlins duvet and crawled under it. He let Merlins head rest on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm over Merlins hip. Merlin rested his arm on Arthur's chest. "You were really brave Merlin. For telling us all that." Merlin kissed Arthur's jawline and rubbed his face into his shoulder. "I love you" he whispered and Arthur kissed his head sweetly as he whispered into his hair. "I love you too."