wild and running || a.b. (series on hold)

Chapter 38

Seven days.

Seven days without Ivory. I sit on my couch and stare at this blank brick wall. My head pounding, my eyes aching, and my hands numb, I still manage to take another swig of my whiskey. I'm drowning out the memories. 

I can't even believe that I acted that way. Up in California, I tried about every single drug that existed with the boys. I sort of when crazy. It was all addicting. I felt crazy. I still feel crazy. I feel mentally insane. What the fuck am I supposed to do? You see, if I was a smarter person, I could probably be sitting here softly striking Ivory's hair as she fell asleep. 

But no.

I hurt her terribly.

Not only does it bother me that I hurt her so terribly mentally, but physically. I look down at my hands and my blood burns. These hands that I laid on her, they hurt her. It was no excuse that I wasn't in a sane mental state.

Does she know that?

No. So it doesn't matter.

Oh god... And the things I told her. My little Ivory tried to be strong and stand up to me, but I saw her breaking, slowly ripping apart with each dagger that flicked off of my tongue. I never meant anything that I said. She doesn't know that. She thinks I hate her. She thinks I never loved her. She thinks I used her. My sweet little Ivory is destroyed.

When she saw me at the party...

That was the most horrifying experience of my life. It wasn't even what it looked like. 

The  blonde girl sitting on the counter was Natasha. She's, one of my best friends, Nick's little sister. She's always getting herself into trouble and getting fucked up, and of course somehow she lost her shirt. She was probably getting banged upstairs and left it, so she asked if she could have my shirt. I carelessly took it off and threw it at her.

A few minutes later, Ivory unexpectedly walked in wearing a black mini dress. Honestly, the only reason I saw her is because she dropped a bottle, and the only reason she dropped a bottle was because she saw me. She looked so fucking good.

I can't imagine what was going through her head when she saw me standing next to her while she had no pants on.

And my shirt.

What have I done?

She was trying to get me to react to her and show her I care by going and messing with that man.

How dare she?

What am I saying? This is all my fault. I'm the one who cut it off. The only thing filling my mind at the moment was drugs. I didn't care about or want anything else, so I told her to leave. My mind has cleared a bit since that day, but I still find myself aching for a cigarette and some weed. I've also tried crystal meth a few times. It's overwhelmingly addicting, and I think that's what was driving me so crazy.

I need to go to rehab.

I need to fix my relationship with Ivory.

I can't do that.

She probably hates my guts.

I probabky couldn't even look at her if I saw her again. I probably crushed her. I pick up my phone to see no messages. No phone calls. Nothing. I look back up at the brick wall and sigh. This apartment sure does get lonely. I look back at my phone, wondering if I should text Ivory and explain everything, but I don't. I throw my phone against the brick wall and watch it shatter. All of her pictures and sweet text messages are gone.

I need a new phone, and a new number.

I need to get her face out of my mind.

I try to figure out what I could possibly do to fix everything because I love her.

Oh god I love her.

I never wanted to use her. I loved her. All of her. She was my angel. 

I don't love you. I never did.

My blood boils. "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!" I yell at myself, swinging my fist to the lamp on the side of the couch. It shatters and my fist screams in pain. Crow jumps off the couch and hides in the kitchen.

Now I'm scaring innocent animals.

What is wrong with me? 

I down all of my whiskey and lay down on the couch. I just can't think anymore.