Homestuck imagines {DISCONTINUED}

Dirk X Reader #2

182.
182 times he had whispered those words in your ear before he got too caught up in the music.
182 times he had told you he loved you.
You had always felt lonely and neglected when you were younger, until Dirk came along and made you feel better. You were so happy when he asked you to be his girlfriend, and immediately responded with a 'Yes!'. You two were in a happy, loving relationship for a while after that. The music-lover was quite popular on the internet, with a good amount of fans. All of them knew the happy girl who loved him with all of her heart.
But lately, Dirk had been seeming rather distant. No longer was he there to hold you and comfort you when the painful pangs of loneliness hit once again. Hugs and kisses that had once been frequent had faded, and you could barely remember the last time you and your lover had any sort of contact. The most you saw of him now was looking down at him from the loft bedroom of your apartment, his silhouette dark against the light of the computer screen.
"Dirk?"
A few months ago, he would turn to face you and the reply would be something like 'Is something wrong' or 'Oh! Hey _____' but those times seemed long gone.
"What do you want, _____." He never averted his gaze from the computer screen.
"I was wondering if you would come lie down with me...you haven't in a long time."
"What? You're going to have to speak louder." He didn't bother taking his headphones off; he appeared to have forgotten you had quite the soft voice. You bit your lip to keep from sobbing, or reaching out to him, or running downstairs and asking where you went wrong.
You held back because in that moment, it felt like you would be pushed away. You felt like a nuisance, something he had found, lonely and cold, that seemed like a good idea but turned out just to be bothersome.
"Never mind." You went back to bed.
Sometimes you considered leaving him, but you could never bring yourself to leave someone. You were much too loyal, and knew the feeling of having no one all too well, back from all those years ago before you met Dirk. You really thought you were going crazy, something you told yourself would never happen over a relationship, but it was damn well happening, and you were scared. If he broke it off, what would you become? A loner, the dark smudge of a person that everyone knew but nobody talked to? Where would you live? Dirk paid for the apartment you two shared with the money he made from his music, and with you not being able to hold up most jobs with your shyness and frequent headaches, would be homeless before you could state that you were.
The putrid thoughts swimming through your tired mind were ugly and headache-inducing, and you decided to go to bed, gently laying your shaking frame on the old bed that sat in the loft. The occasional tapping of keys and suctioned sound of the buttons on Dirk's turntables, sounds that were once comforting as they reminded you of your boyfriend, but now reminded you of the ever-growing pain in your chest, eased you into sleep.
You dreamed of your wonderful lover, back when he was attentive and kind, and would come and sit with you when he came home and talk about his music and fans. It was a warm, hazy time, and thinking back, you should have never let yourself get that soft. Dreams soon were poisoned by reality, and you felt the world sharpen around you as silhouettes and darkness consumed the last of the hope you harbored.
You woke up sweating and ice cold, feeling like a hollow shell of a human being. Dirk still sat at his computer, and though you couldn't see his face, you knew his eyes had darkening bags under them. Deciding to face your fears for one day and walk around outside without Dirk, you got dressed and stepped outside.

Dirk gloomily watched you trudge through the snow. He wanted so much to spend more time with you, to sleep with you at night again, and be able to converse about whatever was on his mind. Your comforting arms were always open to him, he knew that, but the music was becoming harder and harder to handle. He was trying to get better and seem like he was making progress, but it was hard.
His fans were wondering where the happy girl had gone, the one who had been by Dirk's side through thick and thin for as long as they could remember.
If you asked her, she would say she wasn't sure where the happy girl had gone either.
He had been traveling up to the loft when you were asleep, laying down with you, rubbing your knuckles and burying his nose in your sweet-smelling hair like he used to. He so very much wished he could do that all the time.
He could always hear you through the headphones when you called down to ask or tell him something, and he faced the computer so you couldn't see the sadness in his eyes sparked by your soft, sad voice. It hurt him to know he was the one causing you this pain, but he needed to keep working to earn money to support them. He wanted to apologize a million times over and promise he would never leave your side, but instead he choked out clipped, emotionless phrases about how he couldn't hear her so he wouldn't be overtaken by sadness.

You had spent the day sitting on the far edge of the park, sipping a warm drink and watching children play in the snow. The crisp smell of the air, the cold snow, orange-tinted from the sunset, and the sound of children's laughter should've lifted your spirits, but instead plunged them deeper into darkness.
It was getting dark, so you began making your way home.
You made it there just as it turned 9:00, and saw no point in going inside. Maybe you could stay out here forever, being sad and stuck in the past. It seemed like a good idea right now.

Dirk watched you come home, looking dejected and sad. A mess of confusion, indecisiveness, self-hatred, and longing was sifting in his brain. It was rather unpleasant, and Dirk decided he was going to fix what he made wrong. He strode to the door and opened it gently, letting the snow hit his hair. He looked down at his wonderful girlfriend, sitting on the cold concrete steps and looking out into the city streets. There was a fine layer of snow atop her head, showing she had been outside for quite awhile.
"Are you alright?" He asked.
"I'm fine." There came her a short reply, and Dirk felt his heart swell. She was so strong, it was obvious that she was in great pain, but she still put up an act to make sure others didn't worry. That was what Dirk thought anyways, and Dirk was right.
"No, you're not." He told her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder and sliding it to rest on the one furthest from him. He simply sat there, relishing this time he had to spend with her, feeling her presence next to him.
"Listen...I know I've been kind of an asshole the past couple months."
"I understand if you don't want me to be your girlfriend anymore." Dirk's eyes widened.
"_____, no-"
"I just get in the way, and it's pretty obvious that you would be better off without me weighing you down. You should be focused on following your dreams, and-"
Dirk cut you off with a tight hug, burying his face in your hair like he loved to do so much.
"_____, you've been my dream since the moment we met. This is all I've ever wanted, to live my life with you, and if you think i'm leaving my dream behind, you're wrong. I would never want you out of my life, and i'm so, so sorry I haven't been able to be here for you as often. It's just so hard keeping up with what the fans want..." He held you tighter.
"It's okay, I understand." You whispered, arms coming to encircle his slightly shaking frame. "I'm always here if you need help."
"Always?"
"Always."
"I love you."
183 times he had said it, and he would say it much more.

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not mine