Dying to be thin

The voice in my head

I don't think I want to start even thinking about today.

I found it almost impossible to drag myself out of bed this morning, especially considering that once again, I got ZERO hours sleep.

"You know who" didn't help matters much either. You know, Ana? She's the voice in my head. The person who won't leave me a lone, won't let me sleep, rest, and most importantly, eat.

I picture Ana as the most perfect girl to ever walk the planet. If you saw her walking down the street, you would be seriously envious, she is just perfect, and so much more. She's my age, but ageless. She is everything I will never be, beautiful, perfect, tall, skinny, and oh boy, she sure loves to remind me about that.

She's the girl who would have a que of boys after her, and would always be successful in what ever she did. She's just so perfect it's almost unreal. But she is so real to me. And she won't let me sleep until I'm perfect like her.

All day, she's telling me to exercise. There is nothing more important than exercise. But it is so hard to keep her happy, impossible in fact. And if I'm not working out hard enough, or even think about stopping, she gets angry, and pushes me on.

And of course, she doesn't let me eat. If I even think about planning something I may eat later, she punishes me. She will force me to exercise to purify myself of such stupid thoughts. I have to earn my food. Perhaps I may want a little bit of pasta in the evening, I must earn it. I musn't eat for the whole day, and exercise at every possible moment, even if that is taping my foot in class, or moving in my seat, I have to burn calories.

But don't think that Ana is all bad. She's not. Now that I'm so used to her, I don't know how I could live without her. I know that sounds strange, she's not exactly nice to me, but I need her. She protects me. She protects me from the world around me which has now become so alien.  She protects me from being fat. And if someone tells me "Emily, you look too skinny." Ana screams through my mind "See! Your on the right track! People are starting to notice the new, better you. Just a bit more to loose." Of course, you can never loose to much weight. Once you have a certain number in your head, and you keep pushing yourself and finally get there, Ana will see a number on the scales lower than yours, better than yours, and will say "Not good enough, that's the number you want, you only need to loose a bit more." This is, of course, is continuous. Ana is never happy.  But she protects me, if she's with me, I will never be fat, and I will soon be perfect.