Dying to be thin

The worst day of my life

Okay guys, I'm so sorry I haven't been on here in AGES! I've been busy :( If you want to leave me any ideas or suggestions, please inbox me or comment or write a message on my wall :) I'll try to upload quicker next time! enjoy! xx

Love Catherine xxx

Here I was, faced with what I would consider hell on Earth.  Just looking at it made my skin crawl. It looked old, and not very inviting. I genuinely looked like a place where someone would go to die, slightly ironic I suppose.

I could spend the next year locked up in this place, heck, maybe even longer! This will be where I will probably encounter the worst experiences of my life, where I shall be forced to get fat, be forced to leave University, and forced to leave Zayn.  I haven't even stepped foot through the door, and I already hate everything about it. This was going to be the worst day of my life.

It, of course, is the eating disorder clinic, which has "kindly" given me the funds to stay here until I recover. Every six weeks I will be re-assessed, if I have not gained enough weight, I will receive a further six weeks funding, until I continue to reach my weigh targets. Then I will continue to stay here until they deem I am able to live independently on the outside world, a recovered anorexic. And the though of the whole experience terrified me.

I asked Zayn not to come with me today, which broke his heart but I had to. It would have made this experience even harder. We made the most of our time together in the few days prior to today. He said he would visit me every day, unless he was on tour with his band, but he would still call m everyday. The fact that this place has certain "visiting hours" makes it sound more and more like a prison. Not only is recovery in itself going to be hard, but then being around no one I know, and not having Zayn there when I need him is going to be torture.

Oh well, lets get this over with. This really is the beginning of the end. The end of me as an anorexic. The end of me having Ana with me. The end of University, for now at least.

I walked in, and was rather surprised by the modern interior of the place. It was still like a hospital in a way with a big check in desk and nurse looking people worked behind it. But it looked warm and inviting. There where hard wood floors, beige walls with a beautiful painting on the wall.  There were also  comfy chairs in the corner next to a large window with views to the stunning gardens. This really was a surprise! I walked to the desk, to see one of the nurse ladies.

"Hello dear, name please?" She said with a warm smile on her face and kindness in her eyes.

"Hi, umm, Emily, Emily Knowles." I said nervously. I could feel my legs shaking with pure fear of what would happen next.

"Okay..." She said as she sorted through the computer.

"Ah, yes Emily, follow me please."

I followed her through to a long corridor, with more nurses walking around. Either sides of the corridor had a couple of wooden doors on each side, with gold plated tags on each door. Their was a huge set of at the end of the corridor, with a lift directly next to it.

"Come in here please dear." She said sweetly, as she held the door open for me, and gestured for me to go in with her arm. This was where it started looking less like a home, and more like a hospital. It was a rather small room, with white walls and floors, and bed, a few chairs and various equipment. It even had that horrid hospital smell.

"Hello Emily, I'm Doctor Humberstone, and I specialise in cases of people with disordered eating." He said with a deep but kind voice. Wow, disordered eating, makes me sound like a freak or something.

"Okay, first things first, I've received all of your medical records, so I know about all of your previous issues, I'm going to measure you and weigh you to gather your current statistic's."

Great. I've been here five minutes and I'm already being weighed.

I removed my clothing, as asked, until I was standing there in my Jack Wills under-ware in front of a man I've never met before, allowing him to see the naked truth of my disordered eating. I honestly wanted to drop dead on the spot. I stood against a wall, as he slid the measure down to measure my height.

"Okay, your 5ft 8." He said. Okay, tell me something I don't already know?

I stood on the scales. I mean come on, I was used to this, I did it numerous times every day. But knowing that someone was watching the numbers go up made me want to throw up as the butterflies gittered around in my stomach. I closed my eyes, I couldn't bear to look.

"Emily, for you to start recovery and track your progress, I would advise you to see your current weight." He asked calmly. I looked at him, he had a sweet, encouraging smile.

I looked down, I had a pretty good idea of what I weighed, but that didn't make the situation any easier.

*BEEP*

I saw the scales flash as they revealed my weight.

"Okay, your 97 pounds, which makes you 6 stone 9. Your BMI is 14.7."

I turned to see his face, and looked into his eyes to see some sign of emotion. She looked quite shocked, but I could also see deep concern in his face.

"Is that bad?" Was all I could manage to say. Wow, what a stupid comment.

"Well, it is certainly not an ideal weight. For your height you should weight at least 122 pounds, or 8 stone 7. So you are very underweight. But don't worry, you are in safe hands now. Here is where you will get healthy, and you will have plenty of support in the process." Aw, I kinda liked this guy.

He carried out a few more tests just to make sure it was safe for me to be here.

"Okay, pop your clothes on and follow me to meet your roommates. Your luggage was dropped off by a very kind young man, Zayn, I think his name was?"

"Oh yes, that's my boyfriend." I smiled sheepishly.

"Okay, I'll wait for you outside, then I'll take you to your room."