Dying to be thin

Help me

"I'll be here, by your side 

No more fears, no more crying 

But if you walk away 

I know I'll fade 

'Cause there is nobody else"

I could hear his voice, his beautiful voice, it was probably to most amazing, breath taking thing I had ever heard. I could make out his voice through muffled sounds in the background. That's when it all came flooding back to me...

I was in the field with him, we kissed, we confessed our love for each other, and I some how passed out in his arms. His arms.... As well as the memories from that rather event full day, my senses began to slowly enter back into my body too. I could make out a warm strong hand stroking my face gently, and the other holding my hand as he sang those sweet words softly into my ears.

It was almost as if he was bringing me back to life, his touch re-charging my body, his voice stimulating my heart, as I slowly managed to open my weary eyes. He, of course, was the first thing I saw, I'm pretty sure good looking surroundings is good for getting better, right? Well it was defiantly working.

"Hey beautiful" he smiled. Wow beautiful? How can he say that when my hair is a mess, I probably look half dead and I'm in one of those gross hospital gowns? At the moment I'm probably the ugliest girl he's ever seen.

"Please babe, don't ever do that again, you really scared me." His jaw tightened, I could see the worry through his smile. He really cared about me, and he had to witness me pass out on his first day at Uni, I must have terrified him.

"I'm so sorry that I had to put you in that position, I'm sorry...." I trailed off, I could feel the lump forming in my throat, I knew I was about to cry. I squeezed his hand tight, I cared for him as much as he cared about me, I'd hate to think how I'd feel if I was in his situation.

"Shhh, don't cry babe, it's not your fault, it's not like you wanted to pass out. And, hey, don't worry about me, I'm just glad to be here for you." He lent closer to gently kiss my forehead. I was so lucky to have him"

Just then the door opened as a doctor came in "Oh, if this is an inconvenient time I can come back later and leave you to alone." The doctor said, I could feel feel myself blushing, I got easily embarrassed.

"Umm, no it's fine, come in." I replied a little shakily.

"Well, it's good to see you've come round, I have some things I need to to tell you, as well as some questions to ask, are you okay to begin or would you prefer some rest?"

"No, let's just get this out of the way." I had a feeling what would come next, I've had talks like this from doctors before. I knew it was about my illness.

Zayn lifted my hand and kissed it, "It's alright babe, I'm here for you, It's gunna be alright." He said reassuringly, as he squeezed my hand.

"Okay, so lets continue," he began "So how is this person related to you?" He asked me, looking at Zayn.

"I'm her boyfriend." Zayn replied, with the biggest grin on his face. Oh my god he said he's my boyfriend!!

"Okay, so how long have you been suffering with your eating disorder?" he asked. Urghh that word sent shivered down my spine.

"Just over a year..." I replied, I just looked at Zayn's hand holding mine, trying to give me some comfort, I couldn't look at the doctor. I'd probably get even more nervous and puke.

"Have you ever engaged in any sessions of self induced vomiting?"

Zayn just looked at me, I knew this was all  new to him, he couldn't believe that the girl he was looking at, who he loved, would purposely make herself sick. I suppose it's hard for most people to get their head around, but it's harder when it's someone you love

"Yes.." I could sense Zayn's shocked expression, "Twice in the last 6 months."

"Okay.." He said as he scribbled down everything I said.

"Have you ever passed out like this before?"

"No"

"Have you ever experimented with laxatives?"

"No"

"When was your last menstrual cycle?"

"A year ago"

"When did you last eat?"

I gulped, I knew this was killing Zayn "About a week ago.." I could see the doctor even looked shocked

"How often do you exercise and how long for?"

"Two hours every day."

He continued to scribble things down, he paused and sighed.

"Emily, you feel unconscious because you body no longer had to energy to keep itself conscious. We have studied your bones further, they are very weak, and are now permanent damaged, I'm afraid you now have osteoporosis. As well as this, your heart rate is dangerously low, your heart is showing early signs of possibly failing later on in life, your body is suffering from intense muscle wastage, and as your heart is a muscle, your heart is at risk of stopping."

Wow. That's a lot to take in. My bones and heart are permanently damaged. My body can barely keep itself alive. Zayn just looked at me, terrified, he was so still, like a statue. I knew what was going through his head, this was too much for him, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

"Zayn...Please say something." I felt a tear slip down my cheek, I wasn't even sure what I was crying about, the news I had just received, or the possibility of losing Zayn.

"Zayn, please, don't leave me.." I was crying a lot now. I was scared this was all throwing him over the edge, he won't be able to cope with this, it's like his finally seeing the naked truth of my eating disorder.

"No!" He cried at me, as he quickly jumped forward with both hands on my face as he gently kissed my cheek.

"Why would you think I would leave you?" He whispered in my ear, as his hot breath traveled down my back. "I will never leave you, It's just scary, thinking what could happen, and what's happened...But I will never leave you babe, you're stuck with me now." He made me giggle, I loved him so much.

"Umm, Emily?" The Doctor said, oops I forgot he was even there.

"Oh sorry" I scooted Zayn off me, I knew I was blushing again.

"I'm afraid there's worse news.."He continued

"No! What is it?" Zayn pleaded to the doctor, I think he was taking this worse that I was.

"I'm afraid there is no other choice to refer Emily to a shrink on an emergency basis. If she continues like this she will die, soon. She needs to begin recovery before it's too late."

Zayn hugged me as he trailed gentle kisses down my neck, I knew I was tearing him apart.

"I'll be here for you, whenever you need me, I'm gunna be here, as long as it takes, your gunna get better." He kissed my lips gently, I could see the sadness in his eyes.

"What..What about James?"

"Shhh..don't worry babe, I'll talk to him, I'll sort this all out." He rubbed my back soothinly as he talked.

"Help me..Zayn, I need you help, I can't do this alone" I said in a shaky voice barely above a whisper. This whole thing terrified me.

"I'm here to help you babe, always. You will never be alone" He kissed me again, as tears welled up in his eyes.

Oh my, I can't do this, I can't go to a shrink, I'm not ready to recover. I can't gain weight. Just the thought of getting fatter made me want to cry.

 But with Zayn with me, maybe we can get through this together...