It hurts.....
My chest hurts. My throat is tight. I don't want do it. I don't want to. But I know I have to. Just the though of it makes me want to cry. The letters grow blurry. I don't want it. I DONT WANT IT. I thought I could be strong but I feel like the more steps I take the more I actually move backwards. It's all gone from me now. The want to do things, the effort I once had in handling others. Don't ask me something, I won't answer, it's too much effort. You have a brain figure it out for yourself. I want to fade away into oblivion. I know it will take time but I do not have time. This is year eleven this is where you give a shit and put in effort. You have to finish your assessments on time or you ZERO. I just want to fade away. I know i can do it but I won't. It's my only option because it is what I dream of. Don't tell me to give up and do something else. DONT TELL ME WHO TO BE. I know what I love but now when I look at it, it hurts because I can't bring myself to do what I love. They say drop out get a job. Be painfully normal and destroy your own dreams. To me that is death. They say it's not that hard get over it, but I can't because... I want to do what I love not something that gives me heartache and reminds me that I'm probably going to never move countries like I wanted or do what I wish. I will be a robot a simple tool that can be replaced. I would be nothing. I want to be what I look up to. And to be what I believe defines me. But right now. I can't do work because it is painful. The dates and times are ticking down. Year 10 such assessments were an easy overnighter. Now I have to demonstrate my skill in being precisely the same as everyone else. You can stand out. But only by being closer to the perfection goal then others. You can't simply be awarded by taking a different path and creating a new view on perfection. To be pure or to be dull. Personality will not award points. They say they are giving everyone an equal opportunity but does making everyone the same make them equal? Or even happy.