*Tignan niyo ang picture sa gilid... ang cool diba?? (Wala lang~~)*
Sa Tabing Ilog – superjelly
Coach:
Like what mentor sjm said, may mga grammatical errors ka, but that is forgivable. You just have to improve it next time. Isang citation ko ay ‘yung paggamit mo ng ‘dito’ instead na ‘rito’. Kapag ang sinundan na word ay nagtatapos sa patinig ‘aeiou’, gumagamit tayo ng ‘rito’. Gusto ko ‘yung plot at ‘yung way ng pagkakasulat. Hindi rin lumayo ‘yung idea sa illustration at na-incorporate ang tula.
Mentor:
Nagustuhan ko 'yung plot. Kakaiba kasi. It's nice na ginawa mong makabayan yung theme. Writing style, okay naman. Konting grammatical errors lang. Examples:
Bigla akong nakarinig ng ingay sa may damuhan di-kalayuan.... - Kulang ang thought. I think it's better this way: Bigla akong nakarinig ng ingay sa may damuhan di-kalayuan sa aking kinaroroonan... - Think about it.
Ginawa niya iyon noong nandito kami mismong sa tabing ilog na ito... - If you want to make it "mismong", kelangan may pause. Like this: Ginawa niya iyon noong nandito kami, mismong sa tabing ilog na ito... OR, if you don't want to use a comma, you could have just used the word "mismo" instead of "mismong".
Ilan lamang 'yan. Sabi ko nga 'diba, minimal lang naman. Good luck!
The Claiming of Isabelle – secretheartache
Coach:
Draft pa lang nito, you already blew me away. Talagang malaking transition at malaking improvement from your past contest entrries. The best to date. Talagang isinapuso mo ‘yung challenge na tapatan ‘yung ibang angat na contestant dito. I admire the poem, in fact magaganda rin ‘yung iba mong tula. The guys should really check them out.
Mentor:
Like what I've said when you sent this entry to me for checking, I love your idea of writing a romance story with a different touch. The story itself is outstanding. Your grammar is good. It's just that, kulang talaga. Dun sa part na biglang nagsalita si Samael sa likod ni Lizzie, hindi ko man lamang na-feel na nagulat s'ya. Instead, she just answered him back without looking at him. Then, dun naman sa paragraph na "The ancient goddess must have been furious with me, blah blah blah..." Hindi consistent yung thought. Lizzie pertained to herself on the first sentence, then on the second and third sentence, she pertained to Isabelle. Lizzie could have just pertained to Isabelle too on the first sentence to make it consistent. Am I making myself clear? Ahh, basta, 'yun na 'yun. Haha.
Tapos 'ayun nga. Kulang sa details. Hindi kasi talaga pang-one shot 'yung idea. Kung gagawin lang 'tong novel, ai naku sigurado ako, bentang-benta 'to. Ayun lang naman! Good luck Thea!
Tale of The Nightshade Twins – KissMint
Coach:
Hmm... Tama si mentor sjm tungkol sa nakakalito kapag pinagsasama sa iisang paragraph ‘yung dialogues ng dalawa o higit pang tauhan. Pero sa’kin, wala kang masyadong problema sa plot. Mas okay ito kumpara sa nauna mong ipinasa sa’kin.
And hindi uubra ‘yung dalawang magkasunod na open and close parenthesis like “dialigue” “Edward na na-cite ko.” Kapag mag-eemphasize ka ng isang word, use this (‘)
Mentor:
Honestly, I didn't understand anything. Kung meron man, 'yun ay 'yung blind si Cordelia. I'm sorry, pero 'yun talaga eh.
Technically, masyadong mababaw 'yung pagkaka-English. Hindi s'ya bagay sa plot/idea. I think you struggled on writing this entry, tama ako nuh? You're good, but not as good kasi compared to the others when writing in English. Tapos, please be reminded too na hindi pinagsasama ang dialogue ng dalawang magkaibang character sa isang paragraph. Isa 'yun sa main errors na nakita ko sa entry mo. Pinagsasama mo 'yung dialogue (for example) ni Noelani saka ni Cordelia sa isang paragraph. Hindi dapat ganun. Dapat magkahiwalay sila.
The Stealer – Paralumannn
Coach:
I am always looking forward to your entry. Iba ang competitiveness mo as a writer. Iba rin ang daloy ng mga plots mo at iba rin ‘yung idea na nasa ‘The Stealer’. This would be great kung magiging full-length novel ito. But anyway, kudos dahil na-contain mo sa isang short story na may 2k word limit (at tinapyasan pa ng poem) ang isang grandeng idea.
Mentor:
If I am to rate this story as 10 is the highest and 1 is the lowest:
Plot/Idea: 9 Grammar and technicalities: 7.5
Reason kung bakit 9 lang ung plot/idea is because of the scene of Zyria with her mother. I thought inayos mo, pero mukhang hindi naman. Kung tatanungin mo kasi ako kung anong pagkakaintindi ko sa scene na yun as a reader, kinuha ni Zyria yung soul nung Mother nya para mabuhay yung King. Yun yung pagkakaintindi ko, pero hndi ko alam kung tama nga. If ever nga tama, mas mabuti pa rin na maiexplain yun sa story.
And then, katulad naman nung comment ko sa entry ni KissMint, you don't combine dialogues of two different characters into 1 paragraph. Sinabi ko na 'to sa'yo, pero hindi mo naman ako pinakinggan.
Yun lang naman, otherwise, this is perfect. Good luck novee!
Eh Kasi, Bata! – TuTriSiksPorGam
Coach:
Bumalik na ulit ‘yung quality na nagustuhan ko noon sa Blind audition entry ng contestant na ito. ‘Yung touch of society. Sa tingin ko ay mas nag-eexcel siya sa pagsulat ng tungkol sa society, iba’t ibang mukha ng buhay na nakapaloob doon, at kung paano nag-i-struggle ang bakat karakter.
Mentor:
Bheng, I'm glad na sinunod mo 'yung payo ko tungkol dun sa narration part nung word na "inano". Haha. Plot and writing style, both wala akong masasabi. Pero alam mo, mas okay yung original na ending na pina-check mo sa'kin. Sana hindi mo na lang dinagdagan ng kung anong ipapangalan niya sa baby. It doesn't make any sense na rin naman kasi. But anyways, you have proven na rin naman sa amin ang galing mo sa pagsusulat. Good luck na lang!
Departure - Alizah_Ann
Coach:
Okay ang grammar at wala akong masasabi sa writing style. Nung pinasa mo sa’kin ‘yung draft, ‘yun din ang sinabi ko. More on plot development pa sana next time and think of a better twist, ‘yung pasabog talaga. Something that readers might want to look forward to.
Mentor:
Story and writing style, okay naman. Kaso 'yung plot ng entry mo, hindi s'ya ganun kaakma sa picture na naka-assign sa inyo. Yun lang naman po and good luck!
Auspice – defininghappiness
Coach:
Hindi ko na maalala kung may binago ka sa plot or wala, but I could tell it’s minimal. But I also could tell that this one’s better. I know ‘di mo masyadong trip ang masyadong romance but I’m glad you pulled it through
Mentor:
Now I wonder why this was entitled Auspice. Anyway, good thing that you've written it in English. Though may kaunting grammatical errors na I think never rin naman talaga mawawala, I can say na okay naman ang English writing skills mo. Kung sinulat mo kasi 'to sa Tagalog, I have this feeling na makokornihan ako.
Plot wise: Nagustuhan ko 'yung first scene, lalo na 'yung poem. Kaso magsimula doon sa part na umupo si Josh sa tabi ni Ayanna, parang ang bilis na ng mga pangyayari. Naging fast-paced kumbaga which I don't see as appealing.
Anyway, ngayon na wala kang kalaban, I don't know what will be the process. Kung auto-pasok ka na sa nxt round or hindi pa. Ano't ano man, good luck!
