On Tour

Chapter 25-suicidal

      Tyler's POV
"He's still alive, he's back at home with mom." I tell Josh, they called off any concerts for a month, they're gonna reschedule them. How I feel about zack? Great...... Uh.. Amazing. It's ok because I know he's still alive.  "Tyler he's d-" "Alive! Josh he's alive." I tell him, he sighs and gets up to leave the room. They- Josh, Jenna, and Lily, they've been coming to talk to me, I don't like it when they do though. They keep saying zack is dead, but I assure you he's not, he can't be. "Hey Tyler." Lily says walking in the room. "How are you holding up?" She says sitting down on the floor across from me. "Great actually. Why?" I say confused, Lily takes a deep breath and bites her lip, "You've been in this room for a week now." I sigh and look to the wall, it's been that long?
Lily's POV
"You've been in this room for a week now." I say trying not to show how worried I actually am. He turns and looks at the wall and I can only feel horribly sorry for him. "He's alive, I know it." Tyler says, "Tyler-" "NO-" "He's dead and you know it!" I yell starting to cry. He leans back and bites his lip, he has no emotion, it's obvious he's in denial. I don't say anything and it stays silent for a while, I think I'm going to go but something stops me. Tyler gets up and causally walks over to the bathroom. Paranoid, I get up slowly and walk behind him, I lean against the wall and I hear a pill bottle open and my heart starts to pound. I run in the bathroom and I see a handful of pills get thrown into his mouth. "STOP!" I scream, my adrenaline kicks in and I elbow him in the back and a few pills come flying out, but it's not enough. He starts choking and he bends over, I get underneath him and pry his mouth open with my hands. He's holding some of the pills under his tongue so they don't fall out and he pushes me to the ground, it's gross but I need to save him, I grab his tongue and lift it up, the rest of the pills fall out onto the floor. He's still choking and I slap him on the back, hard. The last pill flies out hitting the ground, he falls back and starts sobbing. I lean my head against the wall, and take a deep breath, trying to recover and understand what just happened. I look down at Tyler now choking on his own sobs, and then it hits me. He was fighting me, he wanted to die, h-he tried killing himself. I feel my lunch start to travel up my throat and I kneel down in front of the toilet. I let everything out and after I'm done I wash my hands and face. Tyler won't quit sobbing and I don't know how to help him. You know what, I'll do what my birth mom use to do to calm me down. I grab a washcloth and run it under some warm water, I ring it out so its damp and I walk over to Tyler and lie down on the ground next to him. I see he's scratched his face, his face is covered in blood, sweat, tears, and snot. I try to move his hands away from his face but he fights me, "No, leave me alone, please." He says sounding so broke, "No, let me do this." I demand, he immediately takes his hands down from his face, I gasp seeing the damage he's done. He doesn't dare look at me but I don't care, I start wiping down his face and he seems to calm a bit. "I.... Why.... Sorry." He stammers and clenches his jaw, I finish wiping his face and I lay my head on the floor like him. "I can't take it..... I want to be dead." Tyler mutters, I put my hand on his cheek to comfort him, "Shhh, I'll do the talking," I say and he finally makes eye contact with me, it takes every ounce I have to not break down right there and then, he has really dark circles under his pink eyes and the white of his eyes are non-existent, "Ok, you listen to me, killing yourself isn't the answer. I know what it's l-like," I feel a tear roll down my face but I quickly wipe it away, "I know what it's like to loose family, and it's... Uh.. It's rough." I try to let myself finish, not wanting to carry on. Tyler looks at me and starts urging me to go on, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and go on. "My m-mother. My birth mother, she.... She died from cancer when I was younger. B-But that's not even the worse part," I chuckle trying to keep myself from breaking down again, "She uh... She Was locked away in a hospital for treatment for way to long becuase.... Me and my brother went to go visit her in the hospital about a week before she died and. Everything seemed to be normal, we were having a normal conversation, then out of the blue she asked when Lily was going to come visit her." I choke back my tears, I move my eyes back to Tyler's to see he's starting crying again, "I was right there, by her side, and she didn't know who I was. She didn't know who her own-" I stop myself and sit up, I grab the washcloth and wipe the tears off Tyler's face. "My point is, you need to stay alive. So many people need you in their lives. Your mom and dad need you right now and they can't deal with another one of their sons to die. I mean like Josh needs you too, you're like his other half! I need you too but most of all Jenna needs you." I take a deep breath, sit up, and lean my head against the drawer, "Jenna, she hasn't left me and Josh's room for anything. She hasn't been eating anything, only the stuff me and Josh force down her throat. She hasn't left the rocking chair, she only ever gets up to use the bathroom and talk to you. Just please, for all of us, don't die. We need you." I say standing up to leave the room, Tyler sits up and decides to talk, "You aren't going to take the pills or sharp objects away from me?" His voice is hoarse from me forcing the pills out of his mouth. I get confused, have people done this to him before? You know what it's none of my business. "No. I'm not. I can't control your life, I can only make an impact. If you want, you can end it, it's out of my control, but please before you do, consider the ways it will impact other people." I say before leaving the room and slamming it behind me. I immediately break down and through my hand in my hair, pulling it. I lean against the wall and look at the ceiling. I'm sweating, tired, my stomach is on fire, and now I'm not sure who wants to die more. I start hyperventilating and I try to slow my breathing but I can't, I fall to the floor. Stop..... Calm down...... Not now, not today.... Josh?...... "Lily, calm down, follow my breathing." Slowly I slow my breathing and I can think clearly. My eyes focus back to Josh's and I realize we're both on the floor, he's squeezing my arm and he picks me up and sets me against the wall. I wrap my arms around my knees and put my head down, Josh rubs my back as I sob. This all just happened, this is real life. I take in a bunch of deep breaths and try to calm myself, but what just happened in that room, was terrifying. We sit in silence for a while, him rubbing my back and holding me. "He's broke a-and I can't help him." I say and Josh sighs, I lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, tears falling down my face. "We can't help him. That's why I was thinking we go back to Ohio for a week, so me and his families can be there for him." He says his voice husky, probably from exhaustion. "I think that's a good idea." I say desperately wanting to be in the comfort of a home and not a hotel. He helps me up and we walk in front of our door, but before we enter I stop him, "Thank you for being there for me, a-and for everyone else. You're doing a great job." I say and he smiles weakly, he kisses me on the cheek and we walk into our room.