I don't talk about this story but I saw someone I hadn't seen in a while and it brought up some memories.
At my trailer, there was a whole bunch of kids that grew up together, a lot of my friends were actually older than me.
But I had a few my age and younger. One of my childhood best friends was 2 months younger than me but was in a grade below me (I have a late birthday). Our families went on trips together and hung out all the time, we saw each other mostly during the summer. We were pretty close, hung out every single day when we were there.
A couple years ago, our friendship changed and I take full responsibility for it. These past few years have been really hard for me and that was when it all began. I lost a lot of weight. I was 130 (surprisingly average for my age). I didn't exactly know what happened, i couldn't explain it. I just stopped eating. Within the first two weeks, I lost twenty pounds. By the time I stopped losing weight, I had lost 50 pounds in total. I went through a very dark time and was on anti depressants as well. It was really hard for me to adjust to my new body and mind set. This continued for months and months until we finally reached summer.
I guess my friend wasn't so happy with the change. Sure, my best friend didn't recognize me. But I started to distance myself from him and the rest of our friends. I stayed inside and barely went out. He kept trying to get me outside there was even a point where he tried to get me to eat. But I wouldn't and he gave up. I know I hurt him and I never wanted to but I just couldn't go back to the person I was before and I knew if he saw more of me, I would disappoint him because I wouldn't live up to being the best friend he wanted to have.
The next summer, he kept trying. I have to give him credit because he tried a lot more than I ever did. He always made sure to invite me over or invite me when they were going swimming. Even when he knew I would say no, he would invite me. He was an amazing friend.
One day, last summer, he had a friend come up to the trailer with him. They invited me swimming but I said no, I was dog sitting. He came down to the trailer I was dog sitting at and him and his friend just sat there talking to me for three hours. He kept trying to convince me to go and he finally did. He even convinced the dog to go.
I started hanging out with him more after that, when he would invite me, I would go. But there was so many people. He had so many friends and they were all nice but when I was with them, I felt suffocated. And once again, I was alone. He still kept offering but I kept declining. I remember talking to his mom. She said " He was so happy. He said it was like the good old days. That I was doing so good but then I stopped."
They didn't come back to the trailer this year, there was an issue with the park and they got kicked out. But today, him and his sister went to the beach beside our park and wanted to say hi. Of course, he invited me swimming (even though we had a storm) and I declined. I ended up going to our pool to cool off from the heat because it gave me a huge headache. I guess he saw me and asked me to come over and saw hi. After a while, I finally did. I didn't talk much and when I did, it was to his sister. I cut the conversation short and left. He stood there the majority of the time saying nothing and it looked like he was expecting me to say something.
Now, I'm laying in bed thinking about all the things I could have said. How are you? How are your parents? Did you guys get that storm last night too? When the hell did you turn into a beanstalk? I would hug you but I'd be hugging your ankles? But I didn't. I said it was good to see you guys.
so here's a little letter, to my childhood best friend.
You didn't understand. You never noticed what I was going through. You wanted to help but you didn't know what to do. I thank you for trying because it helped to know I had people wanting to help me. I'm just sorry I disappointed you. I changed and I just could no longer be that happy adventurous person. Trust me, I wanted to be that again. I had to mature faster than all my friends because of everything that was happening. Mental illness hit me like a stack of bricks and you didn't understand and neither did I. I wanted to be a kid again but I ended up sitting with the adults. I wanted to go out and have fun but I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed that morning. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't because every time I wanted to, I couldn't breathe. I never wanted to hurt you. But I'm happy you're happy. I'm happy you're moving on with your life even if it's without me. And I can't be mad because I left you behind and I'm the only reason for me being left on the side of the road as you drive into the sunset. I'm just sorry I couldn't have been as good of a friend as you were to me. I wish you well and I just hope you're happy where you are. I hope you're having the time of your life with your actual friends. I hope when you remember me, you'll remember all the fun times we had and the person I used to be. You'll always be one of the best friends I've ever had. Thank you for all the good times, I'm sorry I couldn't continue them. I think I'll always love you. You'll always be there. My childhood best friend.
Love always, Mandy.
