The Coffee Guy BoyxBoy ( #Wattys2016)

Chapter 48

MIKE'S POV

I didn't know how I was feeling at the moment. I sat on the floor and just sat there and yes that was it. That was my mind again trying to keep me safe from the burning making me not feel. I wasn't thinking, just breathing.

***
11th of September 2013
It was fall, there was a breeze messing up my brown hair. My hand was getting red because he was holding me too tight. I was trying not ti look at him all of the time, they didn't like that. They were paying me to watch me - the birt in the #. They liked when I sang to them. They always wanted me to sing. Even the songs I hated. Even the tragic songs I wrote myself, they couldn't hear my screams. Nobody can. I was smiling but dying inside. I was laughing but crying sometimes on the same time. They liked that. They were clapping. But they couldn't touch me. I was a doll but of that kind you see in the shops and think "I can't play with that! It's too complicated, made for just staying and connecting dust"
Every day I was like their sun and when the night came I was hoping someone will take me at their place. Nobody knew what it was to know you don't have place you can call home. I didn't had a home where I can just go and hide. Everybody was watching me. Or at least I was starting to think so. My eyes were wide open I was going crazy. But I can't lie. I lived it when they were driving me with their car without a roof, I was standing up and putting my hands in the air hoping tonught can be my last night. Or their motorcycle. I was like the wind, I didn't have a direction. I didn't know whats right or wrong. I was just breathing and trusting stranger's kindness. I was high. Almost everynight, I couldn't stop. I'm writing this hoping tomorrow everything will go well. I'm going out with Mr. Johnson again. He said he had brought me a nice suit for the party in LA. He said I have to be pretty. He was much older than me and I didn't have a problem with that.

***
Alex scared me, really. I've always had this thing where I just can not get unemotional when someone screams at me. It broke my heart, I felt it. Why I always have to be...me? I'm just fucked up. Nobody deserves to be with someone like me to just make him angry or sad watching me sink. I was trying to just change for him I guess. But you can't change some things so you can just hide them. I don't want to make him sad because of my drug addiction, cigarettes are nothing. Or he won't be sad. He'll be disgusted. I've already been in a hospital because of them and I ran away. I was alright like everyone is. I feel so bad I'm not that someone Alex thinks. Well, I am kind of but I lied to him about so many things and he'll never come back. He has probably found someone else already. Wow all my life I have been saying I want a relashionship which is something clear and not just hugs. Talking. Now I'm the one who wants that. I don't. I don't know. I'm so coufused. I run because I'm too scared and then I come back likw no one will notice I've been away. What I was thinking? I'm too weird for a real strong relashionship. I hated myself so much right now. I already drugged myself minutes ago and now I was starting to get dizzy. Akihiko was watching me doing it. I started crying still sitting on the floor.
"Then tried so hard not to get into trouble but I, I've got a war in my mind"
I stood up and whipped off my tears.
"Stop!!" - they didn't stop and I slapped myself. And again and again until I couldn't feel my face. I saw myself in the mirror next to me. I look funny. I took if ky t-shirt and saw my body, i was loosing weight and now I could see my bones. I was feeling alright thats the important thing. Should I go and apologize? Where did he even go? I light up my cigarette. Then I decided I don't want to smoke and trow it away. I watched how the curtains got in fire very quickly and got closer to get warm. I laughed at my own creation. Then went down leaving it like this. I Akihiko was laying om the couch.
"How are buddy?" - I took him on my lap and the smell of fire was going around. It was fun. We're having fun right? Everything was getting funnier and funnier and the fire was already downstairs . The door was open and I watched how the fire gets here too. I started to breath hardly with Akihiko in my arms and tried to go out but I was blocked in all directions. When this happened? I couldn't breath anymore and I layed down.
"Everything's alright Akihiko. Everything's alright when you're high"
I heard ambulances sound getting closer. Probably someone saw my fire house. My eyes slowly closed.