Sincerely yours, Ellie. #Wattys2018

Kabanata 7

Kabanata 7

"Aidan.."

"Shhh.. Stop crying, I'm here. Tama na, princess." Inaalo niya ako habang yakap ng sobrang higpit na tila mawawala ako kung hindi niya ito hihigpitan.

Napapikit ako at pilit kinalimutan ang mga alaalang minsan ko nang naranasan...

The past is haunting me again.

"I'll always be here, princess. No one will harm you while I'm here." Napanatag ang loob ko at dahan-dahang humiga muli sa kama.

Though those lines were from him years ago, but then he broke it once. Kahit ayaw ko mang magtiwala ay hindi ko mapigilang umasa na hindi niya iyon babasagin muli.

I watched you cry,
Bathed in sunlight by the bathroom door,
You said you wished you did not love me anymore.

You left your flowers in the backseat of my car,
The things we said it did have left permanent scars..

Obsessed, depressed at the same time,
I can't even walk in a straight line,
I've been lying in the dark
no sunshine, no sunshine, no sunshine.

I have always known the feeling of rejection, and endings. Kahit singkong duling, nakakita sa paghihirap kong daig pa ata ng mga naaakusahang drug pushers at users na namatay at nakakalat sa kalsada ngayon.

Especially, I've always known the feeling of being alone. Kahit pa sa kalagitnaan ng mga photoshoots o di naman kaya'y family dinner, I always look at myself inside my brain. And I would pity myself. A girl who laughs and believes at magical puffs, a girl who hides a dark and untouchable past, a girl who is agreed by many yet she disagrees herself. A girl who is mentally unstable but still manages to pretend to be happy and be innocent at people around her. No one sees what's inside her mind. No one knows what she thinks about the world, except for one person. Aidan Levionte.

Hindi ko kakayanin kung mawawala sa akin si Aidan. Despite of his mysterious appearances in my life and despite of his almost imaginary being when I'm with him. Siya lang ang nakakaintindi, at siya lang ang pinili kong makaintindi sa akin.

It's just a feeling, just a feeling,
Just a feeling that I have.
Just a feeling, just a feeling
That I have oh.
No, I can't believe that it's over--

Pinatay ko ang Beats Pill ko at pumasok na sa closet. Ganito naman palagi ang buhay ko, nothing special. Gigising, magpapanggap na may pinagkakaabalahan, kakain, magiisip at matutulog. Same cycle as I grow old.

Nang may marinig akong kumakatok sa aking kwarto habang nagsusuklay ako ay nakita kong sumilip si Aura sa nakaawang na pinto.

"Hey, good morning." Aniya at bumati ako pabalik.

I looked at her through her reflection in my vanity mirror, "Bakit ang aga mo ata pumunta dito?"

"I just want to remind you na this is our last hour and at 10 am, bakasyon ka daw muna sabi ng agency. Your dad knew about this kaya sabi niya, we should get back to Manila as soon as possible."

"Why in a rush?" She just shrugged her shoulders and tapped in her ipad.

I saw an aparition in the corner of my eyes kaya agad akong lumingon sa pinto. Aidan is lavishing in his dirty white camisole and cream-colored pants. Ngumiti siya sa akin kaya di na ako nag-abalang mag-ayos at dali-daling niyakap siya.

He feels warm and cold.

Feels like the empty wind.

"Morning, beautiful." Namulas ako sa turan niya. I am nothing compared to his Hercules-like physique. Mahihiya ang adjective niyang 'beautiful' na ginagamit niya sa akin kung siya ang magsasabi.

Lumingon kami kay Aura na tumikhim at inayos ang pinaghigaan ko.

"Sorry, Aura." I giggled. From my peripheral vision, I saw Aidan smirking while clenching his jaws. Namula ako nang maisip na hinahalikan ko ang kanyang panga.

Gosh, Ellie. Stop that semi-erotic fantasy!

Ngumiti na lamang si Aura ngunit hindi ito umabot sa kanyang mata. Then I almost thought of something..

How come Aura is always distant when Aidan is around?

I leaned my head in the wind on my side and think more.

What if Aura has this emotional attraction towards Aidan?

What if she just pretends to ignore Aidan when in fact she always looks at him at the side of her eyes? Maybe?

All the postive impressions of Aura throught the years I've been with her jumped at the nearest window. The thought of Aura and Aidan being together boiled my system and I shivered at mortification.

Yet it was gone like a bubble pop when I felt Aidan's finger circling my waist, giving me a soft sensation of euphoria.

"I feel jealous right now." Tumaas ang kilay ko sa binanggit ni Aidan. I looked at him being irritated and agitated.

"W-what.."

"You look at Aura too much. Look at me, baby." Like a snap of a finger, all the anxiety and jealousy towards Aura was gone and was blew by the wind.

I can't bear Aidan being away. Dito lang siya.

Hindi siya pwedeng umalis.

I gave Lennox a small smile before glancing at a certain Terra whom he called that way yesterday. She was wearing this manang dress that was similar to what she was wearing yeasterday at the studio.

She's fidgeting at his back while Lennox obviously tries to ignore her. I rolled my eyes to this cliché-love-story-to-be.

"You were a good partner." Lennox kissed me cheek. I blushed when I felt Aidan's hands on my waist, tightening its hold.

Oh, Aidan.

"Ditto." I genuinely said. I learned a lot of new poses from him and new kind of smile. I called it 'half Ellie and half Ellisha smile' secretly.

"Time to go, El." Aura entered the picture. Tumango sakanya si Lennox at lumingon muna sa akin bago naglakad paalis. Sumunod naman si Terra na conscious sa kanyang paggalaw dahil hinahangin ang kanyang bestida.

Aidan gently pushed me inside the car ngunit nagtaka ako na wala ata siyang balak sumakay.

"I have my own ride, princess. Be safe." Hinalikan niya ang noo but there's the warm and cold feeling again.

I want to feel Aidan.

I want to feel him warm. Yet I want to feel him cold. I don't want it both, just one by one.

Because I can't feel I'm real when I'm in his arms.