Hold Me

Chapter 12 - This Is The Eye Of The Hurricane

Hamilton walked outside thinking the cold air might settle him down. He had elected to ignore the small cut on his knuckle from where his hand had collided with Jefferson's face. Hamilton was aware that he had chipped one of Jefferson's teeth, he had it coming. He didn't understand how this could have happened. He never could have imagined this. The cold air  was doing it's job, being distracting. If he had been calmer then he would have grabbed a jacket. He was just too worked up but he had every right to be.

Some of the things that Burr had said were sticking in his head. They were all words that Hamilton knew applied to him but something about Burr's tone had pissed him off. Jefferson hadn't said nearly as much but what he said hurt twice as badly. 

Hamilton just wanted his mind to stop. He didn't want to think about these things anymore. He wanted to think about what his mother would tell him to do. Nothing, he couldn't think of a single thing. He couldn't remember her voice anymore. 

Since he left his home he could help but feel like he was always caught up in a storm. There was so much fear associated with what people would think of him. He had always tried to put his best foot forward. Now, that was in jeopardy. However, for the first time he didn't care too much about what anyone thought. 

Jefferson may have had a copy of Hamilton's deepest emotions that he couldn't hold in and couldn't tell anyone but looking at himself now, some of those thoughts may have been wrong. Jefferson knew that Hamilton's past made him feel as though he could never be loved. Hamilton felt like if anyone did love him, something terrible would happen to them. Hamilton was about to test that. If that was the case then he might go back inside and have no one left. 

This was the eye of the hurricane.

--

It took three hours for Hamilton to feel calm enough to go back to the dorm. When he first walked in, he didn't see Laurens. He was almost relieved. Hamilton felt absolutely terrible about snapping at him. He sat on his bed by the window and curled up in his blanket. It smelled more like Laurens than it did Hamilton. That showed who got more sleep on it. Hamilton pulled it tight around his shivering frame. Being out in the snow for three long hours in just a hoodie had been a mistake. Hamilton could hear Laurens in the hallway.

"Just hold up, we should see if he came back yet."

Hamilton watched as the doorknob turned and Laurens looked in. When Hamilton was found Laurens rushed to him. "Are you alright?" Laurens saw how cold he was and grabbed another blanket. "Were you outside? You could have froze. Alexander, we were all so worried. We didn't know where you went. Laf thought you might've gone after Jefferson again."

"I'm o-okay," Hamilton continued to shiver. Laurens hugged him.

"Oh, thank god," Eliza breathed from the doorway. "I'll tell the rest of them he's here." Both men nodded as she left them to be alone.

Laurens planted a few kisses on Hamilton's face as an effort to warm him up. It took about an hour for Hamilton to be warm enough to stop shivering. It took another half hour for Laurens to finally realize that he had warmed back up.

Laurens knew that Hamilton wouldn't want to talk about what had happened but he had to try. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what," Hamilton looked at him. "Talk about the fact that I'm an idiot or the fact that Jefferson is the biggest asshole to ever exist."

"We could talk about both. You were really upset earlier."

"Of course I was!"

"What happened?" Hamilton looked away. "Alexander, I'm here with you. I want to help. You know he was just saying that stuff to get under your skin."

"Under my skin? Laurens, he knows everything. He knows things that I haven't told you yet. He's got a copy of my goddamn journal. I don't know how he got but he said he'd spread it around. I kept some of those things secrets for reasons. I am ruined. I'm...helpless."

"No," Laurens held Hamilton's hand. "You are one of the most amazing people to ever exist. You can overcome this."

"I don't know if I can. Laurens, I don't think you understand. I had everything written in that. Everything I was afraid of, I wrote it all down," Hamilton paused and lowered his voice slightly. "I wrote it all down." He looked at Laurens. "I wrote it down."

"Yeah," Laurens was a little confused. He wasn't sure where Hamilton was going with this.

"I wrote my way here. I wrote my way out. The only reason I got off that island was because I was good at what I did. I wrote and they gave me my ticket here," Hamilton smiled a little and sat up. "I'll write my way out. I'll write everything down as far as I can see. This is it. This is the only way I can protect myself."