Systematic Hearts

{ 16 }

I sit in the woods behind the cliff. I just kissed Burk. I knew it was wrong. I did. But, I still did it. I pick at piece of grass in front of me, twisting and breaking it. Just like I did my promise. I twisted, left, and broke, kissed. My promise is still intact on Carson's end, so should I tell him? Honestly, I don't think I should. I know that sounds stupid, but I don't want to get him mad. I don't want Charlie to have a missing mother. But, I also don't want charlie to have a lying mother. But maybe not saying something isn't lying. 

What am I thinking? No. Hiding it is just as bad. I have to tell Carson. I move onto another piece of grass. I didn't like Burk at all. And then boom, we kissed. I guess he has half of my sister hanging around his neck. And, and, he just helped save my friends life. Carlin could have died. Carlin. I shouldn't have just wandered off, she is going to need me. I let go of a piece of grass and stand up. Breath. I need to remember to breath. So much has happened today, so much. Deep breath in, let it out. In. Out, repeat.

I walk back out to the cliff Burk is sitting a few feet away from sleeping Carlin. She looks peaceful now. Nothing like the violent shaking that took her body earlier. I sit next to her without making eye contact with Burk. It seems like he wants to talk about... it, "So, can I talk to you," I don't want to, but he doesn't wait for an answer, "Did that kiss mean something to you? It meant a-"

"No. Just stop, " I don't care if meant something or not to him. I don't want to know, "I don't think it would be," I pause, not knowing what words to say, "appropriate to discuss this. Lets just forget-" he cuts me off. I guess we are both into cutting each other off. Like Alice and I. I swallow the knot in my throat at the thought of Alice being near.

"How can  you forget about this?" Burk's voice raises. He looses his temper a lot, I think. Another reason I don't want him. Or shouldn't want him, "How can you just, just leave it?! I thought it meant something. Your like my other half."

"But I'm not!" I yell. This jolts Carlin awake, the violent shacking takes her body again. The tears spill over her eyes. I scoot close to her and hug her like a baby. This time I am thankful for her sobs. They make it impossible to talk to Burk. And the anger in both, mine and Burk's, eyes fades into sympathy for Carlin. I hold her tight. 

The sobs fade into whimpers and I assure her she is fine. She says something that I can barely make out, "You must be a good mother," she said. Carlin closes her eyes and falls asleep again. 

A tear slips out of my eye and it slips down my cheek. I shake my head, "A god mother wouldn't kiss another guy," I whisper, though she is already asleep. "I am not a good mother," I whisper.

I almost forgot Burk was there. I look up and he gives me a small pitiful look. I hate it, "Don't," I say and he seems to understand. But he stays with me. And I am thankful for that.

                                                                                                   ...

I wake up with the stars above me, and carlin still next to me, she is wrapped in the picnic blanket. I realize how cold I am and start to shiver, "Do you want my jacket?" Burk asks. I didn't realize he was awake.

"No, you would freeze without it." I respond.

"Well, your the one freezing without it right now," I laugh and he walks over, covers me with his jacket and lies down. I am still freezing, but the jacket helped. Burk must realize how cold I still am - he can realize a lot of things - because he puts his arm around me, and cautiously scoots closer on the ground. I scoot into him. Too tired to object. 

My mom used to say, " your true feelings came when you were tired." I don't believe it, or at least I don't think I do. I scooted into him because of his warmth, not because I love him.

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I am actually kind of proud of this chapter?!

What did you guys think of it? I don't know, it is happening fast, but I am happy with the results. But I want you guys to be happy too, so keep commenting. Seriously, I am open to suggestions, and would love your help. 

Thanks for commenting, voting and most definitely reading!

Also sorry for not writing a note at the end of the chapter the other day. 

*there should be an okay hand sign, but I am on my computer today. Sorry for no symbol...