pastel [3]

seven

Jungkook's point of view

My body wouldn't stop shaking as Sooyoung and I made our way back to the centre of town where I had left my car. Normally, it would've been an easy ten minute walk. But she had to constantly hold me so I wouldn't collapse.

It felt like my world was caving in again, lost inside the forest of my mind that buried my fears deep within the thickest of trees. That forest now set ablaze leaving me trapped and feeling out of control.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call Namjoon? Or Jimin?" I shook my head, glancing towards a bench we had passed when it felt like my legs were about to give out. She noticed and pulled me towards it to set me down. The support against my body brought a slow, jagged breath out, head falling to be caught by my hands in hopes that I could carry this heaviness.

"Why am I like this?" I uttered miserably, filled with the dread that things would never be better, that this false hope of stability would be snatched out from underneath me. With each hopeless thought I brought a hand to rest against my collarbone, tracing the scarred letter that felt like a branding of my prison. The moment Sooyoung noticed the action she tugged at my wrist and brought her hand to mine, rubbing circles against the calloused skin.

"It doesn't matter why."

"Yes it does." The words came out harsh and snarled, my hand immediately pulling away from hers in regret. "I'm sorry." I never rose my voice at Sooyoung, I never felt the need to. But this was frustrating me beyond the rational responses I was supposed to have.

"No need to apologise, I know this is hard and that these feelings don't just go away." She said calmly, resting her hand on my cheek before reaching into her bag and bringing out her phone. "I'm going to call Namjoon to make sure you get home okay, because I don't think you are in the best headspace to be driving. I can't come with you sadly as I have a client in fifteen minutes. But we will catch up soon. Okay?" Her words were so vague to me, spoken a million miles away, free from the lost feeling that swallowed me whole. So I just nodded, hoping it was the correct answer to give.

---

Time moved slow with each inhale of breath, eyes completely unfocused still curled up on the bench with my knees hugged to my chest. All I could see was Taehyung's smile, like he was right there with me imprinting onto the very depths of my soul. Why were my visions so gentle when I had been left so broken because of him? It's like my mind was playing tricks on the memories, twisting them into false senseso of beauty that seven months had brought me. Maybe there weren't all false, just incomplete. Like the way he held me on the couch woth a sweet tenderness, and promised to never leave... a saint like smile that had me believing each over-promised word.

Thoughts like these brought an overwhelming sense of guilt, so caught up in the feelings of my first love when I had Sooyoung by my side offering her unwavering support. Was it selfish to still feel all this after ten years of that part of my life being over? I wasn't twenty anymore, I couldn't blame these feelings on immature naivety.

The thought of loving anyone had always felt impossible, when asked by a girlfriend in high school if I loved her, I'd been unable to reply, instead running like a coward. My reputation became a heartbreaker, because anyone I got close with would end up being ghosted when things got too close to the thing I couldn't seem to feel. It was a living nightmare being unable to feel anything deeper than a crush or fleeting infatuation. To have my first feeling of actual love be paired with the violation of my trust was something even now with Sooyoung I struggled to let go.

"Jungkook, are you alright?" Lost in that headspace I hadn't noticed Namjoon arrive until he was kneeling down in front of my face, gripping my arm lightly to pull me back. Still so dazed out, every sound came to me as distant and quiet. "Jungkook, can you hear me?" Despite feeling like I was underwater, I managed a nod and stared distantly down at my friend staring up with a deep concern.

"Hmm?" I hummed in acknowledgement, "Fine," I added with heavy movements to pronounce the word. Namjoon didn't seem convinced.

"Kook, you're not even looking at me properly, Sooyoung sounded so worried about you." I looked around for her but she was no longer here. How long have I been here for? "She had to go back to work, but wanted me to get you home." He lifted me up by gripping onto my bicep and leading me towards the car. It made me feel helpless being dragged by someone so I stopped abruptly.

"I can walk myself." I spoke softly, he stopped, letting go of my arm. I immediately felt weak.

Damn it.

"Can you?" As I attempted to step forward I nearly face planted when my knees buckled and crashed into the hard concrete. Namjoon quickly pulled me back up to readjust his support of my weight. This was embarrassing...

I gave up trying to care for myself, letting him pull me to the car so I could curl up into the back seat. "You can sit in the front, Kook." I shook my head then rested it against the cool surface of the window, fixing my gaze on the clear blue pastel sky, the same colour as the jumper he had been wearing. I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to ignore the thought.

"Leave me alone."

"Hm? Kook?" I heard Namjoon twist in his seat. "Hey, you okay?" I shook my head, continuing to try and soothe the calamity in my mind.

"Just take me home."

__________________________

Seeing Taehyung has taken a toll on Jungkook. Hmmm, what do you think will happen when he actually meets him for real. We will see.

I'm sorry there aren't too many Taehyung POVs just yet. I'm trying to clear up what happened to Jungkook in the ten year gap. Because trust me, a lot happened.