pastel [3]

eighteen

Taehyung's point of view

It was a surreal sort of emptiness to fall apart inside my own mind. Leave it up to me to never have a normal death.

Under the deep ocean of my thoughts was where Venus finally spoke to me. She sat with me in those dwindling moments where I waited for my life to cave in. She whispered words of assurance and hope, praying for me to break out of this cage she had created the moment I was forced to live through the gods game of life. The gods were terrible parents, and I knew I would never get the opportunity to be loved by my mother like a human could feel. So when she told me things could be okay I didn't believe her.

If you will not listen to me, listen to him.

With those words of surrender her voice melted away and there was a slow crescendo into a new voice that jolted me from the emptiness. The voice spoke of pleads, a voice from a love who felt so far away. But his voice was tangible, real, hopeful. Suddenly I could feel a warmth that held me, pulled me from the depths, and this time I let it. I let the comforting words spoken with a deep longing be my escape until I was breaching the surface and able to breathe again.

And there he was crying as he held me close with tears dripping onto my cheeks, feeling like fire against the icyness of my skin. This was something I'd only ever dreamed of.

"I hate you so much." He whispered, his chest heaving as he held in a cry. "Please don't leave again." A smile threatened to form on my lips as I glanced towards the people standing around the room. They were all in stupefied shock.

"Now why would I do that?" I asked simply, turning my attention back to my raven haired love and bringing my hand up to cup his cheek. I felt his body tense and his muscles freeze. Smiling inwardly to myself, I brushed his tears away. He didn't reply, keeping his eyes tightly shut as his grip tightened on my other hand. He slowly opened his eyes with a tear falling to my hand. I pulled away and searched his face for clues that would lead to an answer. "Hmm?"

"Because... You always leave. It's all you ever did." It turned from gentle explanation to accusatory words so quickly that it took my mind a moment to process. Though I was left star struck and baffled when following the harsh statement he pulled me into his arms and his hug held me there in that confusion. This time when I let my lips touch his neck there was not the fear of death but the fear of rejection. His skin was warm against mine, feeling like the hearth of a home. But he was not truly mine... because why would he want me after all of this?

"I never wanted to leave," I spoke finally, trying to pull my head up to face his confusing gaze. "It was never my choice, if I could I would have stayed." His response was not what I expected, him pulling away and lips seething up into a clearer anger. "Jungkook, please-"

"Ten years... Ten years! You left for ten fucking years!"

"Jungkook it wasn't my choice-"

"You shouldn't have come back," it was like the water around me had frozen, formed into a sharp blade that was forced into my heart with the absolute sincerity in his words; words even he seemed surprised to have uttered aloud. The constant shift between want and hate was dizzying, the ice burning my insides as I stared in a silent stupor.

When I didn’t give a reply to the remark, Jungkook dropped his head and stepped away, and it was like I was losing him all over again, his body language blaring with a dawning discomfort at being near me. It was his next words that truly broke me, left to stare up with a pain that couldn't compare to what I had endured over the past year. No it couldn't compare because it was worse, like being eaten whole by the depths of Tartarus in a slow drawn out process. Jungkook's exasperated admission: "I can't... I can't do this again."