pastel [3]

seventeen

Jungkook's point of view

Was it normal to feel dread when seeing the person you hate die? Did I hate him? It felt like an impossible question to answer as I stared at his body, draining of all colour. I felt my own do the same, the dreaded feeling I felt ten years ago returning. It started with a sinking, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, then turned into a fiery feeling in my chest. Fingertips, toes, my whole body numb. Hairs on my arms and legs and neck rigid as I shivered, staring at his ghost pale complexion. That rising of his chest that signified his connection to the living was so difficult to see, barely any oxygen filling his lungs as he slipped away from me again.

I did this...

Was all I could think, it must be my fault that he is dying, something I did wrong to ruin his life once more. I was every bit of a monster he was, continuing to pull him in despite knowing my love was his poison. Whatever reason he was back, he had failed, and he had given up. I couldn't stifle the tears that were now drenching my cheeks, hands forming clenched fists around nothing as I reached for his body but stopped half way.

It was Daehyun's sobs that echoed in the space that created a barrier of white noise around this strange feeling of dreaded conflict, wanting to hold him close and yet refusing to acknowledge what he meant to me.

It was only when Daehyun turned to me, that I was brought back to my senses.

"You are killing him!" The man screamed, diving at me until we were both sprawled on the floor, his palms pressed to my throat. Flashes of remembrance tore through my nerves and I shoved at his chest and screamed, crying through it all,

"Get off of me!" He continued to tackle me despite the external hands trying to pull him off of me. It was futile, for he was an immortal being determined to get what he wanted.

"You could save him and you won't you self-absorbed, cowardly craven!" He slammed his fist beside my head, inducing a convulsed flinch with how close he was to smashing my face. I could feel power radiating off of him just like Taehyung's mother.

"I- I'm sorry..." I whispered, knowing it would mean nothing, but I didn't have anything else to say. Words couldn't describe how I felt. The apology brought Daehyun's eyes back to mine, palms pressed to either side of my head to cage me within his control. Even with the adrenaline rushing through me screaming to escape, I kept myself still, holding that frightening gaze. "I'm sorry, I... I will try."

The pause in his aggression meant that Jimin and Hoseok could tug the blonde asshole off of me, and he was immediately shoved to the wall, Jimin pinning him there so that I could sit back up slowly. Blood rushed to my head, eyes squeezing shut to try and shake that feeling of overwhelm.

Without another word, I pushed myself over so that I could look down upon Taehyung still splayed out across the floor. I sat down beside him, taking in his features that were still so pretty. With a deep breath that felt like lead, I gently placed my hand under his neck and used my other to lift him so that his head rested on my lap. His skin was so cold, just like I remembered. Just as beautiful and breathtaking as before, with his natural golden hair and perfect facial features, I had missed seeing him. Missed being able to stare into his golden brown eyes.

"I missed you Kim Taehyung..." A smile tugged at my mouth as I spoke the name, it had been so long since I had even mentioned his full name. "I missed your petty personality and your pretty eyes, I missed being able to laugh. Being able to smile genuinely like it'd be my last day to live. Why'd you have to make a mess out of me?" I shook my head, playing with his fingers as I shut my eyes, just embracing his soft hands. The feeling of comfort washing over me. This man had ruined me, but here I was. Speaking to his almost lifeless body. "I hate you so much..." I uttered miserably, shutting my eyes tighter and bringing my chin to my chest, a tear slipping down my cheek. "Please don't leave again."

"Now why would I do that?"

I froze as a soft hand made its way to my cheek, brushing the tears away. The deep and gentle voice I hadn't heard in years like a ringing in my ears that just wouldn't leave, though this ringing I appreciated greatly. The beauty of it giving me butterfly's each time. But to hear him now, I nearly had a heart attack.

After a few seconds of that soft hand resting on my cheek, I slowly opened my eyes, a tear falling to the pale slender fingers as he pulled away. I lifted my gaze, breath hitching with how Taehyung stared at me with such genuine beauty. "Hmm?" He hummed, waiting for my reply. I opened my mouth then shut it soon after, screwing my eyebrows together at the emptiness that had washed over my mind. It was like I didn't know of a single word.

"Because..." I managed to choke out, gazing doubtfully at him. The fear came rushing in, like floodgates breaking from their hinges. In all his beauty there was a power that scared me, a power that had held me on a leash for seven cruelly beautiful months. Now holding him in my arms, with his skin against mine, I felt that power seeping in waiting to suffocate me. "You always leave," were the words I could capture, a harshness to the fears I felt. "It's all you ever did." It turned from words spoken in gasped whispers to a solidified frustration. Despite the more jarring words I pulled him closer, until his face was pressed to my shoulder and I could hold him tight.

My face dropped to his hair, breathing in the smell of honey and vanilla. The warmth of his breath on my skin was intoxicating, eyes fluttering shut to simply feel everything. To feel his heart racing through his back, arms wrapped around my waist, tears seeping into my shirt. We were a million worlds away, and I was lost in it. Lost in him.

"I never wanted to leave," Taehyung finally spoke, lifting his chin to rest on my chest so I could look down into his eyes. That glow brightened with each passing second holding him close, and I was mesmerised by the soft pastel orange of his shirt as it brightened. "It was never my choice, if I could I would have stayed." Instead of comfort, the response brought anger, my nails curling unintentionally so that I had to pull away in fear that I would dig them into his skin. "Jungkook, please-"

"Ten years," I started out in a whisper, growing with each syllable, "ten years! You left for ten fucking years!"

"Jungkook it wasn't my choice-"

"You shouldn't have come back," I blurted before I could process the words and actually think don't fucking say that. It was out now, eyes fluttering closed to let the rest of my tears fall, tearing away from him to clamber to my feet. "I can't... I can't do this again."

If that pained stare had stayed locked on me any longer I would have caved, would have dropped everything and fallen at his feet. It was a serendipitous interruption when Daehyun pushed me away, shredding that terrifying longing to pieces. I directed my adrenaline into that distraction, refocusing to see Daehyun wrapped up in Taehyung's embrace, the two curled up within a sphere of gold as they both began to cry heavily, Taehyung's face pressed to his brother's chest that muffled his heaving sobs. Whilst he did Daehyun carded fingers through his hair, uttering repeated apologies with each breath of air. Despite my vexation towards them I couldn't help feeling a warmth at the love the two brothers shared, a love that I had never seen Taehyung show to anyone.

Why have I never met his brother?

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