Black Lotus

17 - Relapse

September 2, 2016 | Friday

I returned to the closest thing that I had to morphine capsules this morning. I returned to Max and I's apartment with my belongings, because I was going to live there again. If home is truly where the heart is, this was certainly it. Where else could it possibly be?

He should be here with me, happy and making jokes that weren't funny, pouring the milk first in the bowl, and annoying me. But it could not be that way anymore. Now to top it all off, his mother expected for me to be the savior and return her son to normalcy, which made no sense; I myself, was far from normal. Max had never been normal, either. What I needed to do was find away to sobriety and peace of mind. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night until I did.

It was easy to envision a Max and Oasis from five months ago around here. They were confused and carefree lovers facing a world of agony and distress firsthand. Now they were more like a separated couple, but with one of the partners still in denial. The bed, I was obsessed with. It smelled heavily of Max's scent and was the perfect place to drown in my own tears. I liked to wrap myself up in the sheets and pretend he was holding me like that first night we shared this bed. Whether he ever loved me or not, I would give anything to sit here and be dumb and deceived. It was way better than to be trapped in the harsh reality of bitterness.

I wrote in my navigator's journal. That's what the Max from five months ago would've suggested for me to do if I had a problem.

Dear Ms. Navigator,

There isn't much to say anymore except that I'm losing my mind over a person who probably hated me by now. That drug was his new girlfriend, his rare gem, and the love of his life. There was no competing with her to get him back. She was the ideal girlfriend; she would never complain, fuss, make you take out the trash, wash the dishes, or have you take her on dates. She was simply there for your own pleasure. Whatever you wanted, your wish was her command. No girl like me could hold a candle to her, Max would never get lonely with her. I wonder how many people lost their significant other to her. She seemed to snatch people up and never return them, until they were no longer of use. I didn't want that, I didn't want her to give me back Max in a casket.

Sincerely,
The Compass

This was no doubt a bad decision, but I went to go see him. Even if I did get punched in the face by him again, at least he would be touching me.

I knocked on his door. He opened up and I examined the track marks from the needles on his arms.

"Come back to bother me again?"

"No, I just wanted to see your face. I miss you."

"Can't say the same, but I guess you can come in." He moved to the side and I went and sat on the couch.

Today must've been one of his good days.
"Why is it so dark in here?"

"I don't like the sunshine. It hurts my eyes."

I got up and went to the windows. "Come on Max you should at least let-"

"Oasis I said no."

"Okay then." I sat back down next to him. I touched his face and rubbed my thumb over his cheek. "So how is your day?

He removed my hand. "It was fine until you showed up." That struck a nerve in me.