Never In A Million Years

Chapter Seven

~Allyson's POV~

I give it one more push. I knew I had failed the minute the first runner past me. What was I thinking, when I thought I could do it. Dammit, I lost. I disappointed everyone. By the time I crossed the finish line I was milliseconds away from third place. 

Collapsing to the floor, the tears begin to build up. I lost. Everything I had wished for and hoped for gone. My hopes and dreams crushed. So was my heart. My whole life wasted. I used up so much energy that I didn't know if I still wanted to be a runner. Being positive becoming increasingly harder and harder. My will to keep doing this, becoming lesser and lesser. 

My thoughts started drifting to my team. Ugh, I forgot. Boithuto's going to be more than happy when I walk in that penthouse. Heck forget the penthouse, the indoor training track. And what about Isaac, Tumelo and Leruo? What about my other relay team members, Lame and Bonang? They'd all be disappointed. And I hadn't even gotten to the worst part. My family, my parents. My Karay. He's gonna be pretty gutted too. In fact, he's the one who's expression mattered most to me. Sure, we've had some losses in the past, and I shouldn't give up so early, but still. I'm super exhausted and even if I make it as the fastest loser, that doesn't mean I'll make it through the semi-finals. There was absolutely no point of life anymore. I had the sudden urge to crawl up and die. 

Ushering us back to the indoor track after hugging each other. Each other being the other runners in my heat, was the officials. They kept mentioning how the last heat was to take place, then the men's 200m. I could have been any less concerned. I didn't care about the last heat and I didn't even want to watch it, nor did I want to do anything on these tracks. 

Upon entering, I was warmly welcomed by the smirking face of Boithuto. Ugh. Then within seconds I could see Karabo running up to me to give me a hug. I denied myself the pleasure of his arms, and backed away when he began walking and opening his arms. I didn't deserve that. I stared endlessly at the big screen television in here that wouldn't stop re-playing my race. That just wouldn't stop my torment. That just wouldn't allow me to forget. But I could never forget this. Reassurance only came from the fact that it was my first Olympics. But goodness sake, Boithuto made it and it was her first too. 

Thoughts of my worth being completely unneeded and useless kept coming to mind, and it haunted me. Karay's arms still open to give me the hug that he seemed to believe I deserved. I could feel Boithuto happy behind me as she walked up and patted my shoulder.

"Better luck next time, sport." She tried to hide her laugh.

If looks could kill, Karabo would have been arrested for murder, because he shot her a nasty glare. Snapping out of his charm, I turned to Boithuto and smiled genuinely because believe it or not, I was glad she got through. At least one of us had a chance. At least there was still hope for a 200m medal. 

I heard the firing of the gun for the last heat. I had already predicted the winners. But so far, my predictions were wrong, seeing my circumstances.

I finally dared to speak up referring the earlier comment from Boithuto,

"I'm sorry guys." I sighed, and sat down.

Soon after Bonang comes over and sits next to me, followed by Isaac, Tumelo, Lame, Leruo, and lastly Karabo. Boithuto doesn't even flinch, standing in place she smirked more than usual. Obviously considering this as her win, in one of her evil books. 

She was an evil master mind, I'd honestly not be surprised if she had something to do with this. But I can't always put my misfortunes on her. Not that I've had a lot anyway, except my fear of planes. Especially during take off and landing. 

Suddenly, I feel the warmth of a hand over mine. As I look up to see the owner, I could feel it. That feeling when your favourite ice cream takes you to wonderland. Or when your food hits the spot on your hunger. Or better yet, in my case. When your crush comes anywhere near you. The hand was attached to Karay's beautiful, flawless face. I could literally stare at him till night fall. 

"Cheer up." his spoke up after watching me slowly look up his hand to his face.

"Seriously?" this wasn't per-say a question. More of a confused statement. I was shocked at the response even more, 

"Cheer up" he repeated.

"I just lost, are you out of your mind? Cheer up? You can't tell me to cheer up. I warned you about this, and you told me I'd be fine." I paused a second, taking a breathe. I knew I shouldn't be blaming Karay, I mean it really wasn't his fault. But I was tired of blaming Boithuto, and I just wouldn't swallow my pride and admit defeat. Continuing, "You said I was the best runner you knew and I'd do great. Does this look like great?" I narrowed my eyes pointing at the screen still showing my results.

"Calm down Allyson." Bonang tried to persuade me to relax.  

"Calm down? Honestly guys, how could you be so naive? Do you not understand that it's over? Karay, it's over. I can't keep doing this. Constant disappointment and constant defeat. I can't keep allowing myself to get hurt." I was now no more referring to my race. 

A million thoughts were in my mind, should have let my heart keep listening. 

It seemed like they were all having an internal war but later gave up, the only left person still fighting was Karay. Until he finally spoke up. Very bravely or very foolishly he looked at me, and brought up a topic, I had been avoiding for years.

"This isn't about your race anymore is it?" 

Silence. I had no words.

"Your referring to your complicated feelings towards me." He paused. Is he some sort of genus or something? "Your also referring to your parents? The divorce hit you hardest and you never felt complete since. But your also referring to my complicated feelings towards you." 

Silence again.

At this point, everyone was quiet and it was as if they were waiting for me to comment. But I too had been silenced. Everything Karay said was true. 

My parents got divorced and I kept interchanging homes with them both. My brother, sister and I had wanted more. That's why I joined this. Not only for my overwhelming passion for this career and Forensic Detective work, but I thought it would bring us closer as a family if I won, we would all celebrate together. 

Also, I may or may not have been referring to the complicated feelings I had for him, but never in a million years did I think he'd mention his complicated feelings for me. I had always denied that thought from even entering my head. Always. I feared it, him liking me. It was scary. Karay had too much control over my emotions, my mentality, my sanity, my everything. But everything he said was nothing but the truth. 

Although, never in a million years, did I think he's admit to having complicated feelings for me. 

Never in a million years, never in a million years.