Code Black (N.S)

27.

Niall's POV

"Are you sure that you're okay, love? Because you've been really quiet. Well...quieter than usual, I guess," Harry asked, his voice coming out in that familiar, gentle tone. Usually, I hated when I was spoken to in that way but with Harry, I couldn't bring myself to complain. Even if it did kind of make me feel overly fragile. 

He had been asking me questions like that since he had come here. It was as if he could sense the panic attack that I had a few hours prior to him coming over. It wasn't really a big deal, considering that I had been having them quite often but I knew that Harry would see it differently. Judging by his reaction to everything else, I assumed that he would view a panic attack as something to worry about. 

Maybe he shouldn't be this concerned about me but I now knew that Harry just tended to be rather protective over people he cared about. Maybe he was being a little excessive towards me than he would anyone else but I just assumed that the circumstances of my situation made it hard for him to treat me in any other way. 

Still, I nodded my head softly, hoping to reassure him. I wasn't about to let him stress over me any more than he already had, so I would give him the same answer every time, tell him that I was fine and he didn't need to worry. 

Although that answer didn't stop him from asking again and I could tell that my refusal to tell him only made him worry more. It was better than him having to listen to me complain about my problems like some sensitive child. 

"Niall?" he asked, cutting me from my thoughts. Clearly, he needed a verbal confirmation that I was okay, rather than a half-arsed nod of my head. He was looking at me with a concerned expression, further supporting my theory that he knew something had happened. 

"Panic a-attack," I finally murmured, hoping that he would just drop the subject and not act as though it was the end of the world.

His frown deepened at my words and I immediately knew that he wasn't going to drop it.

"Was it bad?" he asked.

I sighed, shaking my head and offering him a small smile, hoping that it would stop him from worrying.

"It was nothing different from usual. I'll be a-alright," I shrugged slightly, playing it off like it wasn't a big deal. He knew that my 'usual' was rather bad, so I didn't think my words were all that reassuring. 

"So you're okay?" he asked, seemingly looking for confirmation.

"Y-yeah. Don't worry about it."

He didn't say anything at my words but he was still giving me a look that made me feel particularly fragile.

"Harry, please. Y-you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine," I insisted, my voice firm.

I could tell Harry didn't believe me and judging by his facial expression, he wanted to question me some more but he thankfully dropped it.

I glanced at the time to see that it was around the middle of the day. I was glad it was a Saturday and that Harry had spent the whole day so far with me. The weekdays had become so incredibly boring. If I was back in Ireland, the loneliness wouldn't have mattered but ever since we moved and I had made friends, I seemed to have forgotten what it felt like to be alone.

"I think I-I'm ready t-to go back to school," I said, trying to forget what we were just talking about.

"Are you sure?" I looked up to meet his eyes. He seemed hesitant but I was surprised that he hadn't flat out refused as soon as I brought up the topic, perhaps I was making progress.

"Maybe not fully b-but I just want to see if I-I can cope," I replied.

He seemed surprisingly content with my answer, seeing as he smiled and hugged me tightly. I was expecting for him to tell me that it was a horrible idea, that I shouldn't even consider leaving the house for a long time. 

"I'm proud of you. You know that, right?" he murmured into my ear.

"I-It's all because of you. I wouldn't be anywhere near ready if I didn't have you," I answered, a grin appearing on my own face.

~

The temporary happiness didn't last very long. In fact, I had only managed to get to the front gate.

I was happy to think that I was a step closer to getting my normal life back but the nagging voice at the back of my head made me rather doubtful. The nightmares were getting worse and even if they were only my imagination, I was worried that perhaps something was going to happen.

They were silent thoughts until I felt like I was about to explode. First the tears began to fall. My vision was quickly blurred, more tears continued to fall down my cheeks.

The next thing I knew, I couldn't breath. It felt as though someone had covered my face and prevented me from breathing. I heard Harry try to talk to me but his voice was muffled and I couldn't find the air to answer him anyways.

After what felt like hours of struggling to breathe, I calmed down and collapsed into Harry's arms, feeling weak and almost lifeless.

"I'm fine," I murmured to him before he could say anything.

"Niall, that wasn't okay. You can't expect me to let you do this when you just had a fucking panic attack--"

"I'll get over it. I can't get b-better if you're forcing me to stay trapped inside my house," I said defensively.

"I'm not forcing you to do anything. I just think it would be best if--"

"I'll be okay," I assured him.

He looked like he wanted to argue further but he noticed the look I gave him and remained silent.

~

Harry reached over and grabbed the remote, turning the television on.

My experience at school was exactly as I was expecting. I felt rather distressed throughout the whole day but I didn't have another proper panic attack after the one I had when I arrived.

That didn't stop people acting like I was seconds away from passing out. Harry spent every moment he could following me around like a guard dog, only leaving when I was in class or with my other friends, who had also taken it upon themselves to guard me.

I expected this. I knew that people now saw me as something easily breakable and I would be mad about it but my actions have done nothing to convince them otherwise.

Harry and I sat in silence, just watching the TV. I had no idea what was on, I wasn't exactly paying attention.

The show had changed to a commercial break, and I saw something that made my heart stop. The words spoken were fuzzy, my brain physically couldn't comprehend what most of what was being said. But the glimpse I did manage to hear was enough to nearly knock me out. 

"The man behind the recent school break-in had been released on bail until his upcoming court hearing."