Code Black (N.S)

54.

Harry's POV

We both walked back into my room to get dressed, before I passed Niall some of my clothes. Regardless of what had happened less than ten minutes ago, I turned around and gave him some privacy.

Once he had let me know that he was dressed, I turned back around. I immediately noticed Niall looking guiltily at my stomach, around the place where the wound was located. It was no secret that Niall blamed himself for what happened, even though he knew that I was okay. Regardless, I was the one who chose to step in front of the bullet. 

"Niall," I let out softly, his eyes peering him to look at me curiously. "I've told you this before. This," I motioned to the injury, "isn't your fault. You didn't tell me to step in front of you, I did that myself. You know I hate it when you blame yourself," I sighed.

"I know. I-I just-- I feel like none of this would have happened if I didn't a-agree to tutor that girl," he responded.

"No. Niall, this wouldn't have happened if I didn't make you go into the art room before the Code Black. If I wasn't such an asshole that wanted to hurt you, you would have been able to escape the school and stay with your friends. Ryan wouldn't have been able to harass you in the way he did. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine," I said.

"Harry," he let out a sigh, staring at me sadly. "If that didn't happen, we wouldn't be here right now. N-none of this was your fault at all. I've forgiven you for that. Ages ago."

Neither of us had properly spoken about the past in a while. Niall assumed we had discussed it enough and it was all okay. So had I, for a little while. Though there was always that feeling at the back of my mind, preventing me from moving on from what had happened.

I had tried to forget it. Niall forgave me so that should mean it was okay. The thing was, I hadn't forgiven myself, which stopped me from moving on. I had kept it all bottled up inside, not wanting to remind Niall of the monster that I once was but I knew that we would have to talk about it eventually.

"It doesn't matter if you forgave me. You wouldn't have to forgive me if I never did it in the first place. No matter how many times you say it's okay, I know it's not. I hurt you, so many times. Every time I see you, I just remember all the shit that I did and I can't move on from it," I said, sitting on the bed.

"O-okay. If that's what you want, we can talk about it," Niall responded, sitting beside me.

Niall's POV

I sat next to Harry on the bed, my hand automatically moving to rest on his knee. I didn't really know why Harry was so desperate to talk about what happened ages ago, something we had overcome. It was so long ago that it felt like a distant memory.

I had forgotten about it, so why couldn't Harry?

"Talk to me. I want you to tell me e-everything that's bothering you," I told him, trying to keep my voice as gentle and reassuring as I possibly could. 

"Why was it so easy for you to forgive me?" he asked. I could easily hear the nervousness in his voice and it was rare that I ever heard Harry sound so unsure of himself. 

"I-I'm not going to deny that you hurt me. What you did..." I trailed off, not knowing how to phrase this without making Harry feel worse about himself.