Rebel || Camila Cabello & G-Eazy

Part 19

Sometimes when people die, they are born as new people, new souls. They're given another chance. A whole new life and it's wonderful if you ask me. 

I don't know why I decided to write that, I've been thinking about death lately even though my doctor told me not to. It's bizarre, but  I guess it'll be okay because I'm dying anyways. 

I miss my mom. I miss my brother, and I miss everyone who loves me. I don't know why but I keep staying up at night; funny because it's only been one night I've been here. Yeah I've been here one night but it feels like a million. Have you ever stayed up at night, but with nothing to do? No phone, no music, no laptop, nothing. It's completely hell, don't ever do it.  I keep thinking one minute I'm going to pass out, and the other I'm going to die. I don't want to die. 

I think I'm going to sneak in something in here. My doctor told me to get out of my room soon, at least before my legs stop working or whatever because I'm going to be laying for a long ass time. I think I want to bring in some cigarettes, I've been craving them for a while. I know it's bad, but I can't stop thinking about how I feel so empty, they'll make me feel whole. 

Lately I've been thinking about music and everythin-

"Camila!" Lauren yelled, interrupting the younger girls reading. It wasn't your typical angry Lauren yell, it was more friendly and excited. 

"What now?" Camila asked, turning around to face Lauren. Before she was even in the room, Camila was sitting alone on their island table stood in their kitchen, reading some more of what Gerald left behind.  

"What's that? Ooh! Are you writing more songs?" Lauren asked, knitting her eyebrows together at first, but at second guessing she smiled brightly. 

Sighing, Camila rolled her eyes. "It's nothing." She didn't want to kill Lauren's mood, but at the same time the energy she was giving off was too hyper for Camila at the moment.

"Then can I see? Since it's, you know, nothing?" At this point the only thing plastered onto Lauren's face was a grin, with a mixture of true curiosity. 

"No." She grew quickly defensive and began closing the book yet marking a page, not wanting her to see what she was reading. It wasn't that she liked to keep things to herself, but the fact that Gerald was the one who gave her the journal didn't put her at ease. Plus, on the downside, it wasn't exactly Lauren friendly.

 As Camila read on and on, she realized why Gerald had such a dislike for her and hwy thing didn't go so well in his eyes. To Camila, it was just that they had a minor disbelieve. Lauren didn't approve of his music and didn't see why he chose the career he wanted, and he was at utter disbelief that she wouldn't support him and his choices.

 The truth was, Lauren explained she was completely and utterly jealous of the fact Gerald was branching out his music interest because she has always had a burning desire to do the exact same thing. In previous years, Lauren would write songs and share them with Gerald. Together, they wanted to form a band and tour together. 

Yet, when Gerald began developing a mindset to be successful on his own, Lauren grew to have a change of heart towards him. She disconnected herself from him; found no use in talking to someone who back stabbed her. 

"Is that your own journal?" Lauren asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Why would I read my own journal?" Camila scrunched her nose and shook her head. 

Walking past Camila, she opened the fridge and grabbed a carton of eggs. "Do you want something to eat? I'm so hungry, dude." Lauren added extra annunciation on the 'so'.

Camila began to grow fond of Lauren's energy and smiled to herself. "Yeah, I guess I'll take on some breakfast foods." And with that Lauren's curiosity of the journal was long gone, and she began preparing themselves breakfast. First it was scrambled eggs, then she began making French toast along with small bits of bacon. 

Fumbling with the journal in hand, Camila stood up from the chair and walked into her bedroom, then threw the journal on her bed. It didn't occur to her that she should hide it, only because she didn't feel the need to. Lauren was barely in her room, she had her own room for a reason. Aside from the bitterness Lauren expresses, she knew that the older girl means no harm and wouldn't go out of her way to try to intentionally make her feel bad. 

Stepping out of her room and walking back into the kitchen's island, Camila sat down and eyed Lauren. "You know, I don't see a purpose in being mad at each other anymore." 

"What?" Lauren spun around from the stove, clearly taken aback from what she said. 

"I mean, I don't see a point. Gerald's dead, what's there to fight over?"

"That's a bit morbid." Lauren replied, furrowing her eyebrows. "Last time I checked, you were all over him and trying to defend him. I don't see why you would try to make peace with me just because he's dead."

"All I'm saying is that I don't want him to look down on us and feel some kind of like...regret? I don't know, but I don't want him to be angry with me that I didn't make peace."

In Gerald's journal, it wasn't clear if he wanted that happy ending with Lauren. On the downside, Camila took it upon herself to try and make ends meet. "I know he's dead, and I'm sorry that came out so morbid or whatever, but all I want is for you to forgive him. Just, something in return." 

"I'll do whatever you want me to, if it makes you feel better in the long run." 

"Thanks." Camila muttered, jumping slightly at the sound of Lauren placing a plate on the counter top. 

"I didn't know how much you wanted, so I tried my best to make everything I know you like. Uh, there's some pancakes, a big of sausage, and lots of eggs. The ketchup is in the fridge and there's banana's in there too in case you want to make a smoothie or something." Lauren placed a fork next to Camila's plate, then sat down next to her and began eating as well. 

Camila didn't like silence, it was too disturbing to her. "Can I borrow your phone?" 

"Yeah, why?" Lauren asked, handing over her phone. 

"Just want some music while we eat." And with that she began playing one of her own playlists on Spotify. 

The music was nice enough for Camila to feel good about the morning, and forget about the stupid remark she mad to Lauren about forgiveness that seemed morbid. Even though the morning didn't go as idealistic as she hoped, she still awaited for the moment she could finally let go of Gerald and understand he's in a more comforting place.