Rebel || Camila Cabello & G-Eazy

Part 21

Preparing for the funeral was the worst thing Camila could have ever done.

She didn't have motivation to move her body; she felt as if she was an ice cube in front of the sun. Slowly, yet painfully melting away and not having enough momentum to do anything about it.

Once Lauren got Camila off the floor and into the bathroom, she made her wash her face with cold water. It was a typical home remedy, but it worked just fine for Lauren.

"I don't see the point in going." Camila said softly, biting the inside of her cheek. "What do you mean?" Lauren asked, she was practically offended by Camila's wording.

"His whole family is going to be there, I don't want to face talking to them about all the good things Gerald did in his life. We all know he was a good person, he did nothing wrong. He loved making music, found a passion for it, went to school for it, and then he for filled his dream and became what he is today."

"Yes, but that's the thing. He was a dreamer and was passionate. He wasn't close with his family, you already know that for a fact. The only people who were ever close to him were you and I, so if his family wants to ask me questions I will answer. I'm not going to be rude nor neglectful. You were the one person who was the closest to him, why are you being so closed about it?"

After speaking, Lauren quickly came to thought with what she had said. It was rude of her to quickly snap at the younger girl, especially since it hasn't been even an hour since she was in tears.

"I know you're just going through the whole mourning thing but I'm worried about you. I cant think about leaving you alone because I'm scared you'll do some shit." Lauren added quickly, not wanting the silence to consume them.

"I won't."

"How do I know that? You're numbing yourself from Gerald's dea-"

"Shut up! Okay? Just shut up. I dont need the constant reminder that Gerald died. Saying his name makes my throat burn and eyes water. I miss him so fucking much, but being sad and whatever makes me feel like he didn't want that, and he didn't. He didn't spend his time making us happy for us to end up crying our eyes out like I just was. Can we just go to his funeral then? I know I'm going through some shit but please, understand where I'm coming from and why I say what I say. He might not have meant anything to you, but to me he was my whole world." Camila said, words coming out too fast.

"Yeah, let's just get dressed." Lauren replied, feeling as if she had been struck in the stomach.

Once the girls got dressed and arrived to the funeral, instant regret hit Lauren. She felt like she needed to say something, but at the same time she didn't want to bicker with Camila. It was like she was dodging a bullet, but the bullet is what she craved. Even though Camila and Lauren had a rocky past, she was her everything. There was no if's, and's, or but's about it.

"Ready?" Lauren breathed out, glancing from Camila to Gerald's family outside the windshield.

"Sure." Camila's word came out foreign, she didn't want to speak.

Walking up to the grave sight twisted Camila's stomach into knots. The last thing she wanted to do was see Gerald's family, only to cry with them and say how great he was. It might sound bitter, but she already knew how great he was. Gerald was in fact a great person, but his family didn't know.

"We are here today in the mourning of Gearld Earl Gillum. Gerald was a man who pursued his dreams, leading him to the life of no worries. Even though he had some difficulties, he died in peace with the company with his friends."

Camila couldn't help but roll her eyes. Died in peace with the company of his friends? That's bullshit. Her and Gerald were aggressively bickering until his heart gave out; what part of that is peaceful? Did they not know that he had a drinking problem? He almost overdosed his high school days? He was never home because his parents were evil? Dying in peace was the worst lie Camila has ever heard.

Even though she didn't believe a word they said, she bit her tongue. It wasn't her place to blurt out what actually happened, but at the same time, it was. She knew Gerald behind the scenes. She knew what he was like when he wasn't signing fans pictures, or singing on stage. Behind all that he was a complete mess; he used to drink daily until he dropped, and he never woke up the next day until mid afternoon; whenever he smoked he tried his hardest to cover it up yet always failed, and he was never truly happy with the life he had other than the music. His music was the only thing keeping him going, and to Camila that was the saddest part.

Two hours passed and his family left. It must have been awkward because they weren't a huge part of his life, but that didn't stop Camila from sticking around. "You want me to stay too?" Lauren asked, smiling slightly.

"No, I'm okay. The house isn't too far away." It sounded like Camila was scared, as if she wasn't comfortable.

"You sure?" Lauren asked, sensing the vibe given.

"Positive, Lo."

"Alright, I'll see you okay?"

"I love you, Lauren. Thank you." Camila replied, staring into Lauren's eyes and smiling a bit.

"I love you too, Mila. See you soon." And with that Lauren made her way to the car and drove off, eyes on the road.

Walking to Gerald's grave brought so much emotion to her. She sat cross-legged in front of the headstone, tears filling her eyes.

"Hey, G." She started, feeling a thick lump in her throat. "I know you don't want to be alone, so I stuck around." Tears began streaming down her face as she spoke to what seemed like nothing.

"I'm sorry I didn't want to come here at first, but can you blame me? I didn't want to do this, the whole crying in front of you while you can't do anything but stay wherever you are. I'm sorry I haven't been happy, but instead just crying my eyes out. I kept your journal, and I'll keep it for as long as I live. Your blanket is in my room as well...I-I know it wasn't really important but I saved it anyways so I could sleep a bit better but it just made it worse. Smelling you was the worst thing I could do to myself, it made me miss you."

Looking around, Camila unbuttoned her coat and pulled out a hand-gun.

"I can't do it Gerald. I cant keep going back and forth from crying and pretending I don't give a shit about you dying! You left, and left me a complete mess. I'm not going to sit here and ask why because you did it to yourself. You didn't get help when I was standing right in front of you! Fuck!" Camila was screaming at this point, the gun tightly gripped.

"But this time, it's my fault. I'm not asking for help, I'm doing it to myself just like you did." Swallowing thickly, Camila placed the gun to her head.

"I'll see you soon. I love you." Camila repeated, getting an instant flashback of when she told Lauren the similar sentence.

She blinked, took a breath and exhaled. "I love you, Gerald."

The trigger was pulled and Camila fell on her back, her eyes closed, face facing the grey sky.