Crushed

Chapter 21

Do you ever feel helpless? Probably. Do you ever feel alone? Most likely. Do you feel out of place in the one place that you spend the most time? I know I do.

That place, for me is school. For any newcomer to this school, they would probably see exciting new adventures that await them, or so they think. I had that same feeling this time last year, when I came through the front doors of the school for the first time to listen to two groups of grade eights - and some grade sevens - play music that was so out of tune, it would have been impossible to differentiate between the songs, that is if it wasn't for the teachers announcing the title of each song before they played it. The band hadn't been nearly as bad as the strings, but I guess that might be a bit biased seeing how I play cello, and could sing you a perfect A, which I will tell you, is not what those instruments are tuned to. The sound of those wretched strings were like nails on chalkboard to me, but then again, I had no control over it.

Now that it is just in early June, I realise that nothing is exciting for a whole year. I don't know what I was expecting, because this happens every year, so what about this year would be different? I guess I thought with new teachers, new people, new projects, it would all be different, but it's still the same me, so of course it's not. I'm still the same quirky, irrational person I was last year, the only difference is that it's been a year. I'm older, and that makes it both better and worse. It means that I'm more experienced, and wise, but it also means that when I make a wrong decision, reversing it is much harder than just saying, 'I'm sorry'.

*****

I know I've been avoiding regarding Anne for a while, but the truth is, I don't know what happened to her. She hasn't been at school for... I don't even know how long. The last time I saw her, she was at her worst. She had a black smudge on her face - I still don't know what that was - she was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, had really bad bed head, and wasn't acting like her usual self. I've heard many rumours as to what happened, overdosed and passed out, checked into rehab, died... I couldn't tell you anymore, because most of the rest of them are fairly gruesome. The one I really want to believe is that she just got sick, and had to stay home, but my mind dismissed that one a long time ago. I couldn't help but feel a little off put by her absence. Despite the regular bane, I still missed her. She brought life to the class, not to mention drama, but nevertheless, entertainment that is irretrievable while lacking her presence. It's a desolate existence without a little meaningless grade seven drama to lighten - or perhaps even intensify - the mood. Everybody in the class have been affected, at least a little, by the absence of Anne. I just wish she was back.

*****

I've been seeing Alex and Julie together more and more often. Whenever I'm not with either of them, I usually find them together whispering about something or other. I've kinda been wondering what they have been talking about, I mean, it's not like there could be that much to talk about. I asked Julie about it, but all she did was snigger, and smile at me. I haven't asked Alex about it either, because I can only assume that he would react the same way. Who knows, honestly, I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with both of them at once.

*****

Sometimes I wonder if life really means anything, but then I remember. Life is about living to be happy, loving for companionship, and toughing through the hardest of times to be happy once more. I really need to remember what I love, so if there is ever a time that I don't know, it doesn't last. I enjoy the simple things in life, like sitting around a campfire with my best friends, feeling the silky surface of the water as the canoe drifts along the stream, and mostly enjoying being with those I love. The end of the school year is creeping up on us, and soon I'll be enjoying the great outdoors with my family, without a care in the world. I can sit outside and read books I've never even heard of before. I could spend hours at the library searching the shelves for books with interesting covers, and reading the backs to decide if I'd like to read the rest of it. For now, I'm still stuck at school, so I can only long to do these things that make me oh so happy. I guess I still have Alex. He fills me up, and when I'm with him, nothing can tear me down. Would it be too cheesy to say he's my raison d'etre? Probably, but that's not going to stop me.

*****

Two weeks. 13 days until summer. Today is the 16th, and school ends on the 29th. Grade seven has been an endless roller coaster with lots and lots of drops, some with quick succession. However, I never hit rock bottom, which could be both a blessing and a burden. After all, the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go is up. Another year at this school might just prove this true.

Grade eights have always roamed the halls of our school with the utmost confidence; at least the ones you notice. I've always wanted that feeling of superiority, especially this year. I just can't wait to see what it feels like. Does it feel like being the fastest, or strongest, or prettiest, and having everyone look up to you? Or having everyone jealous of you because you're the first to have the new iPhone? Maybe it is, but I wouldn't know because none of that is true for me. Does it really feel good having everyone look up to you? Or is it annoying, or scary? Do you feel self-conscious because of it? I don't know, but I just might find out.