Goodnight, Carmilla

Tay (tumblr user boopbooppotayto)

Only last year, in 2015, did Carmilla come into my life.

Before this, I was an eighteen (now nineteen) year-old girl (the same age as Laura is portrayed, ironically enough) who had just graduated high school that June, and I was super confused about my feelings. Since middle school, I experimented with different labels: Lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, though I didn't really like using labels. All I knew was that I was a girl who liked girls (or, as Tumblr affectionately calls it, "wlw" or "women who like women"). I'd liked them since I laid eyes on the ice princess in Sharkboy and Lava Girl when I was ten (Sasha Pierste, who is on Pretty Little Liars, I believe), and there was no turning back. In fact, in about sixth grade, I was talking and laughing with my friends after school for a club, casually minding my business as an introverted, socially-anxious twelve year-old, and two popular girls who were in eighth grade looked at me in disgust and asked "are you bi?"

Granted, at the time, I didn't know what "bi" was, sexuality was fairly new to me. My friend explained to me that they meant "bisexual" and the looks on their faces made me feel queasy. If they were so disgusted by bisexuals, then I was not going to use it as a label. As I got to high school, I found the calmer, broader, less stereotypical term "pansexual", and I felt it fit: I found people attractive, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, so I used it through all four years of high school.

However, now that I'm sort of figuring myself out, I realize that being bisexual is not as horrid as people put it out to be. I'm comfortable in my own skin, and I like loving girls and I like loving boys. I currently identify as "bisexual with preference toward women" and I'm happily engaged to the most beautiful woman in the world who also identifies as "bisexual with preference toward women" and I could not be more grateful.

There is a not-so-great ending to my story, however, which is how Carmilla comes into play. I live in a very, very small, one-stoplight town in a US state that does not take kindly to the LGBT community. I'm afraid to come out to my parents because I know they won't approve and I can't move out because I'm unemployed and my girlfriend is still in college. I felt so alone in the world, without a single LGBT person to turn to...and then I found Carmilla.

I had seen people talk about it on Tumblr for ages, and though I hadn't seen the show, I knew the characters' names and personalities (much like a certain show on regular television/Netflix that features another smol gay and a lesbian commander, that I still haven't watched, whoops), so I gave it a shot. It was just after season zero had aired, so I started at the beginning and watched all three seasons. After the first two minutes into the first episode, I was hooked, and each episode left me on the edge of my seat. I was so captivated by how many people this tiny little web show had reached and how well they were responding to it. By the time I finished season zero, it was nearly four in the morning, but I didn't care; I was crying in my room because finally, finally, I had found somewhere I belonged. I was now part of a family that saw the world just like I did, and I wasn't afraid to show my true colors. I even met the person I consider one of my best friends who lives halfway across the world (hey, Viktoria!) through the series. That's the beauty of this show: how many people it's reached and how many people it's helped.

Goodness, I'm so sorry this is so long, but I'll only be a bit longer.

Elise, thank you for bringing my personality into one of the most likable characters I've ever seen in a series. I knew from the moment I saw Laura's TARDIS mug, I was going to love this series (also, those Harry Potter references?! I've definitely used the "no way in hell or Hogwarts" line one too many times). Speaking of Harry Potter, I'm not a Hufflepuff like Laura, but I am a Ravenclaw with Hufflepuff rising, so that has to count for something.

Natasha, thank you for bringing your own LGBT experience into Carmilla's character. The moment Carmilla walked into the room, my panties flew across the room and I had literal hearts in my eyes (sorry, whoa, Tay, too much visual). I honestly can't tell if I want Carmilla or want to be Carmilla. I want someone to look at me the way she looks at Laura, I want someone to fall hopelessly in love with me and call me cupcake (still working on getting the bae to call me that), but I also want to be those things for my lady. I want to show her that she's the only thing important in my life, the thing that I would never dare give up. (Also, yo, I don't know if you've noticed this, but your acting when you don't have a line is on point. I felt for Carmilla so much during season one with the puppy dog eyes and the smirks.)

Kaitlyn, thank you for bringing non-binary people to light in a series. I can't speak from personal experience, but I've met some pretty rad NB people. I'm glad you've discovered who you are because of LaF and I'm so proud of you for finding that person in you. LaF is literally a walking science textbook and a regular Jillian Holtzmann and I'm so glad they are, because it shows kids who are into science that it's okay to be nerdy about it. Also I love that the line was thrown in there during act one where Carmilla called them "young Holtzmann". I watch your YouTube channel on the regular and each video fills me with so much joy, especially the gin-terviews and ESPECIALLY especially the ones with Sharon.

Annie, thank you for showing me that it's okay to get a little paranoid. Perry is literally my patronus and I'm so, so glad I found her. I am the proud mother figure in my group of friends, I have social anxiety, and a bit of OCD. When I look at Perry during season one, I can't help but see myself running around Laura's dorm room baking and cleaning and screaming for things to be normal. Also, I think you're totally gorgeous and one of the best actors I've seen. Going to stop talking before I embarrass myself. Is it getting hot in here? Nope, just you? Alright, bye.

Sharon, THANK YOU FOR BEING THE TOL BEAN IN A GROUP OF SMOL BEANS. I'm 6' tall, two inches shorter than you, and my girlfriend is like 5'4 so we are literally Shartlyn reincarnate. I fell in love with Danny when we met her back in season one and I'm super happy about the strong woman she became in season two. Season three, much like with the broody gay, my panties were across the room. You also play softball, which is totally awesome and also even more ironic because I have a killer pitch (though in softball you're supposed to pitch under-handed and mine is over-handed). Also, more irony, when we first see Danny, she's wearing a baseball tee and I literally own like twelve.

Nicole, thank you for playing such a strong, well-rounded character. Mel is such a fantastic character and I enjoy every moment she's on screen (which is absolutely not enough) and I'm glad she's gotten some recognition in seasons three and zero. She's facetious and a feminist, two wonderful qualities, and her ability to not take shit from anyone seriously astounds me. Also, you play dodgeball, I have a killer over-head. Call me if you need another teammate. ;)

Aaron, Shannon, and Matt, thank you for being the beautiful, handsome gentlemen you are, and for being such feminists. Some people were complaining that there weren't enough guys in the show, but I think J.P/Will, Theo, and Kirsch make up for it (though Theo isn't exactly a feminist...oh, well, potato, po-tah-to.)

Last but not least, a HUGE thank you to Spencer Maybee for directing this gem of a series into the beautiful masterpiece it is. I have not loved a show as much as I do Carmilla, nor do I ever think I will. Even Doctor Who is below it, so you've done something right. ;)

Long story short (or not-so-short), thank you to everyone involved in Carmilla for impacting my life so much <3