Breaking Dawn

Chapter 21: Wednesday, September 13th

A couple of weeks have passed, but not much has changed. I still feel lost. I keep ignoring Jake's calls, feeling worse each time I do. Charlie tells me that he's worried for me, but I always have an excuse.
I push the blankets off of myself, rolling onto my side. I got more sleep than usual last night, but still not much. The anxiety is metaphorically killing me.
I hear a knock on my bedroom door, then Charlie walks in. "Happy birthday," he greets me.
I squint at the calendar by my bed. I didn't realize today is my birthday.
"Thanks," I say, sitting on the edge of my bed. This is the same way I was greeted last year.
"Any fun plans today?" He asks.
"Uh," I think. "Yeah."
"Hm." He says. "Well, have fun."
I lied to him. I have no plans, but he has to work so he won't know that I'm really just staying home.
I run my hand through my tangled hair. Nineteen years, but forever frozen at seventeen.
My birthdays have never been anything special for me and became even more intolerable when I met Edward. I have always hated being older than him.
I told Charlie not to get me a present two weeks ago, but he still put $200 in my bank account. I've tried giving it back to him or leaving it on the kitchen table, but it always ends back up in my bank account. He says I'll eventually find a use for it. He's not very good with presents, and I'm not very good at accepting presents.
I start my day as usual, with a shower and part of a banana (which is all my anxious stomach can handle). I'm sitting at the table when Jake walks in.
He looks right at me, then walks over to me and gives me a hug. "Happy birthday Bella."
"Does knocking not exist anymore?"
"Oh, sorry," he says.
"It's okay, I'm only joking," I tell him.
He takes a look at me, head to toe. I'm wearing my pajamas, so I assume that he's judging my fashion choice.
"What are you dressed like that for, are you not going out today?"
"Why would I?"
He stares at me. "Is it not your birthday?"
I roll my eyes at the word. "I don't have birthdays anymore, I don't age."
"Bella, that doesn't mean you don't have a birthday, and it doesn't mean you can't celebrate."
"I don't want to celebrate," I tell him.
"Oh." He looks away. "I was going to ask if you wanted to go out to lunch or something."
"Jake, it's nothing personal but I really don't celebrate my birthday."
"What, did he not like celebrating birthdays? Is that why you hate it now?"
I stop talking at the mention of Edward. I am used to the fact that he's gone, but to hear someone else actually bring him up still puts me in shock.
"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up," Jake hugs me tightly.
I try to speak up and say it's okay, but the words don't come out.
He pulls away from the hug, his hands holding my shoulders. "Are you okay?"
I nod. "Um, It just surprises when people bring him up." I muster out.
"I'm so sorry," he says, hugging me again.
It makes me uncomfortable, the fact that right now he can feel just how skinny I'm getting. Perhaps the large sweater will hide it.
"Jake," I say, pulling away from the embrace, "it's okay, I just had... an..." I stumble for a word that fits. "An episode."
His expression saddens. "Because of me."
I hug him this time. I don't know what to say to make him feel better, so all I can do is wrap my frail arms around his strong, built structure. The warmth coming from him is nice, almost comforting.
"Well," Jake says, "I guess I should go, seeing as you'd rather not see me right now."
"I never said that."
His expression changes to an almost happy look. "So you want me here?"
"We could watch a movie," I say. I'd rather not have him here right now, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings.
He slips his shoes off as if to tell me sounds good.
We walk into the small living room, and I sit on the opposite side of the couch. I don't want him to take this as anything more than what it really is.
We watch the movie in a somewhat silence, only small talk occurs. Or, I watch the movie and Jake watches me. I pretend I don't notice, trying to avoid his gaze. I know he can't help it, he's imprinted on me.
When the movie is over, I insist that I have private matters to deal with and Jake hugs me goodbye. I don't really have anything to do, but I want to be by myself.
I lay on the couch and watch the ceiling. I usually try to not let my mind wander, but it can be relaxing sometimes.
I remember Edward, down on one knee, asking me to marry him. His expression when I said yes was inexplicably happy. I remember the ring he pulled out, his mother's ring. It is a gorgeous ring that now sits on my dresser. I feel awful for taking it off, but I can't help the guilt I feel for wearing it. I should have given it back to Edward, he could've given it to someone else, someone who actually deserved it. I don't deserve it, I kissed Jacob while I was with him. I am the lowest kind of human if I am even considered human. If I could take it back I would. Edward is everything I needed, and everything I wanted. We could have moved to Alaska together, living in eternal peace.
I grip my fists, fighting back the tears. I can't get over him. I want to be able to drive my truck down the Cullen's driveway, Edward eagerly waiting at the door. I long for his soft, cool touch as he would tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, or his peaceful look as he would play the piano for me. I especially loved when he would lay with me at night, helping me fall asleep and comforting me if I had a bad dream. We had a love affair that couldn't be put into words. It's all only mere memories now, and that is what hurts the most.
If I could say one last thing to Edward, it would be that now I know that I do love him more than Jake.