Breaking Dawn

Chapter 23: Saturday, January 6th

Nothing has changed. Edward is still gone. I've gone distant from Jacob. I don't do much anymore. I stay at home, cook for my dad, and I'm writing to Alice again. Of course, she doesn't see my emails, but I have a vague hope that if I keep sending them she'll see one.
Jake tries his hardest to get me out of the house, but I just push him away. I don't want him to think this is a chance for him to win me over. It's not that I'm not ready, or that I don't like him, it's that I don't think anyone can fill the void Edward left, and I would feel bad if I got Jake's hopes up.
Jake used to come over every day, but Sam told him to leave me alone for now. Seeing Jake helps, but it also stresses me more. What if Edward saw me spending all my time with him and that made him really decide to not come back?
I pull my feet up towards me, covering them with the blanket. I still have the feeling of anxiety resting in me. I pretend to not let it bother me, but I still can't eat without getting sick. Charlie started to notice, but I told him I might just have the stomach bug. I stand at 5'4, 110 pounds usually. Now I weigh 94 pounds. I know it's not healthy, but I can't bring myself to eat.
Jake hasn't noticed, surprisingly. I just make sure to wear baggy sweaters to hide it.
The skinnier I get, the more the cold bothers me. I don't have as much fat on my bones, so the cold is almost unbearable. I pretend that doesn't bother me, also. I never was a fan of the cold anyhow, so it isn't much of a surprise to Charlie.
What does bother Charlie is how often I'm at home. I used to spend all of my time with Edward, but with him gone I have nothing else to do (that I want to do). He encourages me to spend time with Jake, but I just shrug it off and tell him that Jacob is busy. Of course, he doesn't believe me, because Jake calls Charlie regularly to check up on me.
I hear a knock at the door. I sit quietly on the couch, listening for Charlie's footsteps to tell me that he's answering the door. It takes a while, but eventually, he does so.
"Hey Jake, glad to see you," I hear him say. "Bells' in the living room."
Jake walks in coolly, sitting in the chair beside me. "Hey," he says calmly.
"Hi," I reply, faking a yawn as an excuse to be laying on the couch.
"You been sleeping all day?"
"No, I'm just tired."
"Well get up and get ready," he says.
"Um... how come?"
"We're going somewhere," he says instantly.
"Where?" I ask.
"Doesn't matter, just dress warmly."
I sigh. Do I go along with it so I don't seem to be wallowing in my own sorrow, or do I deny it and stay at home in my own comfort?
"Jake, maybe tomorrow..."
"I'm tired of this. You are not going to let yourself waste away, now please get dressed."
I give in. I don't feel like debating my well being right now, so I'll just go with him to make him happy.
I make my way to my room, the walk up the stairs making me partially breathless. I pick the warmest outfit I can find, knowing how intolerable I am to the cold.
The walk down the stairs is much easier than going up them, but I still have to catch my breath.
"Thank you," Jake says, opening the door for me.
I step out, the frigid air immediately making me shiver. I walk as quickly and smoothly as I can. I start to fall, but Jake is right behind me to catch me. I thank him softly but curse myself and my clumsiness.
I get into his truck, which (thankfully) he left running. The heat is intense but nice. I tuck my hands into my sleeves, still shivering. Jake turns the heat on higher, obviously for me because he doesn't get cold. He gets into the vehicle as well, seeming to slam his door as he does. I know it's just because he forgets his strength, though.
The ride is awkward, silent. I don't want to say anything, and I don't want him to say anything. The silence seems to be louder than words would be, though. I don't know what I would want him to say if he did speak. Perhaps to just talk about nonsense, being oblivious to the fact that I've been secluded from everything for the past weeks. Or maybe to talk about the pack.
We pull into Jake's house. Why do I need to dress warmly here?
We get out of the truck in unison, the door creaking as I open it. It's an old truck, as old as the one I have. The cold wind overcomes me, causing me to shake and shiver. I try to hide it though.
Jake just starts walking, not toward his house though. He looks over his shoulder to see if I am following, so I begin to walk.
He keeps walking, me struggling to keep up until we reach the beach. It's even colder here.
He sits on a log, the log, which we always sit on when we are here. I stand awkwardly, watching him. I don't want to sit next to him, although the heat he radiates would be wonderful right now.
It stays quiet. I watch our breath in the cold air.
"Bella," Jake starts to talk. His mouth hangs open as if he is struggling to figure out what he wants to say.
"Why are we here?" I ask.
"Because I thought you might like to come here."
Sure, I think, if it weren't this cold.
"What are you doing to yourself?" He asks.
I grimace. He's bringing it up.
"I, uh... I'm not sure I understand what you're asking," I lie, trying to create more time to think of a better answer.
He stands up and wraps his finger around my wrist. "Do you not see how skinny you've become? Bella, you're going to kill yourself."
I look down at my feet. There's no lying that could save me, Jake has noticed. "I'm not doing it on purpose, I just can't eat without getting sick."
"Then maybe you need a doctor, Bella," he says sadly. "I can't stand to see you like this."
"I don't need a doctor," I tell him. I don't like doctor offices or hospitals, the only doctor I like is Carlisle.
"Then you need to eat."
"It's not that easy," I say. "I seriously cannot eat. I've tried."
He sighs. "Why don't we go to my house, you are shivering like crazy."
I nod in agreement. This cold is unbearable.
We walk side by side but don't say anything. He occasionally looks over at me, like he wants to say something, but doesn't.
He holds the door for me as I walk in. His house is so small, seemingly too small for someone of Jake's size.
I sit on the couch, still shivering. Jacob drapes a blanket over me, then rests the back of his hand on my forehead. "My god, Bella, you are freezing."
I tuck the blanket around myself, attempting to push aside his remark.
He sits next to me and wraps his arm around me, and I graciously lean into him. Jake is like a heater with legs.
My shivering slowly subsides, at the same time as my eyes start fluttering shut. I try to keep them open, focusing on Jake's fast heartbeat.
Jake runs his hands through my hair, making it even harder to stay awake.
Every time my eyes shut, I quickly try to open them so Jake doesn't notice.
"Bella, it's okay. Go to sleep," he says.
Just like that, I'm out like a lightbulb.