Breaking Dawn

Chapter 26: Saturday, January 13th

It has been three days since I kissed Jake.
It felt like an act of defiance towards Edward, but I know it wasn't. I still miss him, and I would not try to do something in spite of him. I want to be mad at Edward for leaving me, because he knows what happened (or almost happened) last time, but I can't bring myself to that point. If he were in front of me, I would be apologizing to him a million times over, because it is my own fault that he's gone. I keep reminding myself, though, that he's not coming back this time, so being reckless will only do harm.
Kissing Jake, however, was like stepping into another world, one where Edward didn't exist for just a few moments. Edward's lips were always cool to the touch, Jake's were warm, very warm. They were also... welcoming. Jake's lips lingered and longed for more, while Edward's always hesitated because he knew that one tiny, wrong false move could cost my life. This kiss had built up emotion: angst, guilt, love, regret, anger... and it all came bubbling out at once. I know Jake didn't mind it, but do I? I know I say that there was passion and warmth, and how it seemed right, but even after all this time, it feels like I am still betraying Edward. What if he were to stop into Forks to make sure that I am okay, and realize that I am kissing Jacob? How much more damage could I do?
I haven't spoken to Jake since kissing him, one reason being that I kissed him. Another reason being he finally understands how detrimental my lack of eating has been to my health and now looks at me like I'm a lost puppy. I've been more successful in eating the last few days, although my senseless diet has now made my stomach a war zone that is swollen and slightly painful to the touch.
My phone starts ringing and as I've done for the other twelve times today, I ignore it. I know it's Jake, and I know he's going to ask to come over or pick me up. I made it clear that he isn't allowed to just come over unannounced or uninvited, otherwise, he would already be here.
What do I even say when he brings up me kissing him? I don't even know what to say to myself about that. Do I want to be with Jacob? I know I love him, but I love Edward, whether or not he is coming back. Edward is someone you simply just cannot move on from. There's a knock on my bedroom door.
"Bells, you need to pick up your phone."
"Dad, I just need a break from him," I exhale.
Charlie opens my door, only taking a step into my room. "He's started calling me now."
"Really?" I ask, not-so-seriously. It doesn't surprise me.
He chuckles. "The kid's in love with you, I suppose. Stop being lazy and go see him."
"Would you want to bring these everywhere?" I give my crutches a firm shaking.
"Don't start with excuses, it's his birthday tomorrow. Ease up on him."
Of course, Billy told him it's Jake's birthday tomorrow because he knew Charlie would relay the message to me.
"Okay, give me a little while, I'll go talk to him."
"All right, have fun," Charlie says, shutting my door and stomping down the stairs.
My phone starts buzzing again. I let out a sigh, letting it buzz a few times before I pick it up.
"Bella!"
"Hey, Jake," I try to sound a bit more enthused than I am.
"I was thinking we should hang out today, how's that sound?"
I pretend to think it over for a minute. "Uh, sounds good. I'll get ready."
"Okay, I'll be there in twenty minutes! See you soon."
"Jake, twenty minutes isn't enough-" but he has already hung up. 

As he said, he arrives in my driveway in twenty minutes. He drives too fast. He doesn't bother knocking when he enters the house, it seems to be a second home for him.
He wraps his arms around me in a warm hug, bending down to the chair I'm in. "I've missed you a lot."
"I've missed you too."
"No, I mean I've missed you a lot."
I hug him a little tighter. "I know Jake."
Although him imprinting can be a nuisance sometimes, I don't know if anything feels better than having someone who loves you more than anything else in the world. Without Jake right now, I would feel empty.
He pulls away slightly, looking me in the eyes for a while.
"I think we have a lot to talk about."
I look away, an awkward lump forming in my throat.
"Yes, we do."
"I need answers."
I focus on my breathing, trying to make the anxiety that is building up in me go away. There's a long pause until Jake decides to stand up.
"Why don't we go to La Push?"
"Um," I pause warily. "Sure."

On the ride there he presses me on things like if I've been eating enough, how my leg is feeling, and what feels like a thousand other topics. It is relentless, but I decide to just accept it because I have ignored him and his questions for long enough. He deserves answers.
When we reach La Push we go to the beach and sit on a log, but of course Jake insisted on carrying me so I didn't further injure myself or get my crutches sandy. It is cold and windy, but a nice change from sitting inside all day.
"So," Jake says. I can tell he's trying to form a coherent thought.
So," I respond, feeling tense. I try to prepare for whatever he has to say.
"The kiss, then the ignoring me," Jake says, trailing off into his own thought.
"Is that supposed to be a question?" I mutter out.
"What I want to know is what you're thinking, Bella. Tell me what is going on in there."
I kick at the sand with my good foot.
"Honestly, I'm not sure. What I am sure about I don't think you want to know, Jake."
"At this point, I need to know," he pulls my face up so I'm looking at him. "Please Bella, I can't go without knowing any more. You'll act as though you love me one day, then ignore me. Then you'll randomly come back and act fine, or as fine as Bella can be."
I drop my head to look at the sand again. Looking at the pain in his eyes is like a knife in the heart. "Okay." I take a deep breath in, then slowly release it. "I don't know what to do, Jake. I love you. I love you so much. The problem is I love Edward too, even though he isn't coming back. I can't let him go. It hurts me to put you through this, and I want nothing but for you to be happy, but how can I make you happy if I'm not happy?"
I finally look at him and he's staring out at the ocean, a sullen look on his face. I stay quiet to allow him to process it all, but he stays quiet for at least five minutes.
"Please say something."
"Am I really that bad at reading you?"
"What?" His question throws me off.
"I was so oblivious this whole time that you still felt so strongly for him. All that anxiety you had, was this the reason?"
I nod slightly. "But Jake, remember what I said before? I didn't want anyone to know, so it's not your fault for not knowing."
"Yeah, and I didn't want you to know that I'm a wolf but you still found out. I could've been trying harder."
"Jake, listen to me, please. This is not your fault."
I wrap my arms around his neck, leaning into him. The warmth he gives off perfectly combats the cold January weather.
"How about I try being more open, okay? Please don't blame yourself, Jake."
"I guess that could make it easier." He rests his head on top of mine.
I've kissed Jake multiple times now, and each time I do I lock myself away, ignoring him for days. I've been cruel to him.
"You've built this wall around yourself because of him, and the moment I start to break through, you get scared and build it back up ten times stronger. You need to let me in Bella."
"I'm trying Jake, I really am."
He sighs. "I know you are. It's just my stupid obsessive wolf instincts want you to want me way more than you do."
"Why won't you believe me when I say that I do love you, and I do want to be with you? I just have this... war, going on in my head, that I have to sort out."
I look up at him and kiss him on the cheek, hopefully helping him believe me.
"I love you too, Bella."