Breaking Dawn

Chapter 24: Sunday, January 7th

I wake up, still on Jake's chest. The clock says it's 4 in the morning. Did I really sleep that long?
I look up at him, and he is sound asleep, snoring lightly. I pull the blanket off of myself and drape it across Jacob. I don't know where I'm going, but I can't just sit here waiting for him to wake up.
I pull my coat on, then my scarf and hat. I put my boots on, then head outside. I think Billy is here now, and I would find it awkward for him to walk into his living room with me laying on his son.
I make my walk down to La Push, shivering with every step. I wonder if Billy told Charlie where I am, considering that I haven't received any worried calls from him.
I sit down on the log where Jake and I always sit. The cold air nips at my nose, making me cover it with my scarf. The waves splash on the sand, leaving a white foam behind. It reminds me of when I went cliff diving, only to be saved by Jake. I was reckless then, and I'm trying not to be now. Last time it almost got both Edward and me killed. I'm not sure I could save him this time, so I don't want to risk it.
I poke at the sand with a stick, leaving lines and holes in the beach. If I were a child, I would be writing E+B in a heart in the sand, but I'm not a child. I need to learn to move on, and that I am not what Edward needs. Edward needs someone to love him unconditionally, and not question their love for someone else. He needs someone who he can love without the worry of hurting them. How would it be if I were with Edward still? Would I be a vampire now, or still my frail semi-human self? Would we have moved to Alaska and started going to college there? Would we live with the rest of his family? Or apart from them?
The questions run through my mind as if it is a race. I look out across the water, noticing that the sun is rising. I must have been sitting here for a while.
I wish I had my car, so I could go home and wallow in misery as usual. It seems pitiful, but nothing is the same and that's all I know how to do anymore.
"What are you doing out here?"
I turn around to see Jake walking toward me, the snow slowly beginning to fall onto his black hair.
"I didn't want to wake you," I say. "Or Billy."
"My dad's not here," he pauses. "He stayed the night at Sam and Leah's."
Why would he stay there? "Oh."
"Come inside, I can make you some breakfast."
I do as he says, walking to his side and following him into the small house. Surprisingly, I am somewhat hungry.
"What do you want? Cereal? Eggs? Pancakes?"
"I'm fine with whatever."
He narrows his eyes at me. "You're difficult."
"Pancakes," I say.
"Thank you," he lets out a small laugh.
I sit on the couch, pulling the blanket onto me. The couch is still warm from where Jake was.
"You must've been tired," Jake states.
"Yeah," I say, letting out a small yawn.
"You can go back to sleep if you'd like," he tells me.
"No, I'm good," I say, knowing that I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anyhow.
There's a long silence until Jacob speaks up. "Are you actually going to eat?"
The question throws me off, but I still answer. "I'll eat as much as my body lets me."
"Bella, if you want to get better you gotta push yourself."
I fiddle with my thumbs, trying to think of a way to reply. "I know."
"I don't think you do."
"I know how to take care of myself," I spit out.
"Have you stepped on a scale recently? You're unhealthy. You were small before but now, Bella you're anorexic."
"No, I'm not," I say angrily. "I try to eat but I can't keep food down. You seriously still think I'm starving myself on purpose? I'm not an idiot!"
Jake stares into the frying pan, then lets the pancake slip onto a plate next to it. "Bella, I don't mean to sound rude. I'm really scared for you."
"You have no reason to be." He does, though. I truly do understand where he is coming from, but I don't want him to worry about me. Only I should have to worry about myself.
"Bella," he says. His mouth hangs open, but no words come out. He walks over to me with a pancake that is covered in a thin coat of maple syrup. He continues to try and make eye contact with me, but I look away. Even as I take the plate from his hands, I don't look at him.
I cut a small piece of pancake, then bite half of it off. The smell of food sickens me.
I put my plate on the coffee table, covering back up with the wool blanket.
Jake sits next to me with his stack of endless pancakes, drenched in maple syrup. He looks at my plate on the table, then to me. "Even after all that, you still won't eat?"
"I lost my appetite."
Jake sets his plate on the table. A small drop of maple syrup spills off of his plate. "I did too."
I furrow my brows at him. "You're joking."
"I'm serious. If you won't eat, then I won't."
I look at the single pancake I have sitting on the table, next to Jake's stack of pancakes. I can survive without some food, but can he?
"This isn't fair."
"Yeah? And how's that?"
"The smell of food makes me want to gag right now, I'll eat later."
He stares intently at me, then slowly reaches for his plate. "Promise?"
I sigh. "I promise," I mumble.
Apparently, that's enough to make Jake happy, because he begins to merrily stuff his face as if it is Thanksgiving.
I look again at the single pancake on the table. Edward would be so disappointed to know I'm not eating right now, but I know he would try to help me however he could.
Jake finishes his plate in what seems like seconds. It still surprises me that he eats so much, even though he literally has the appetite of a dog.
Jake hates when people refer to him as a dog, or anything similar. I never would say that to his face, but I don't consider a dog as anything bad. They're loyal creatures.
"So," Jake starts. "You probably know that my birthday is coming up..."
"I know," I say. What is he trying to say?
"I know you don't celebrate birthdays... but could you spend my birthday with me?"
"I don't celebrate my birthday," I correct him, "but yes, I'll celebrate your birthday with you."
He smiles a genuine smile. "Thank you."
"Yeah, no problem," I say casually.
It is a big commitment for me, because I don't even want to leave home, but I know how much it means to Jake. It would break his heart if I said no, especially for such a selfish reason.
"I don't want you to get me a present or anything though," he says.
"Like when I say I don't want any presents for my birthday?" I ask.
Jake laughs. "Yeah, like that. I really don't need a present though, spending time with you is enough of a present."
I don't even know what to get him for his birthday, because I am going to get him something. What does he like? Food, tee shirts, and trucks, but what else? Maybe I could take him to a nice restaurant?
"What are you thinking about?"
"Mm?" I say.
"You're spacing out, what are you thinking about?"
"Stuff," I say.
He rolls his eyes at me and continues eating his pancake pile. "I know you better than you think," he mumbles.
"Talking while you eat is disrespectful," I say.
He finishes chewing his food. "You're trying to avoid the subject because you know it's true."
"Doesn't everyone know me well? I'm practically an open book."
He laughs. "That is far from true. You're a book that's locked away."
"Then how do you know me so well?"
"Because I love you."
My heart races and I feel my cheeks get red.
"I love you too, Jake."