When the ocean meets fire

~~~~~~~~~~~~Pride~~~~~~~~~~~

Taz’s shoulders were shuddering, and she could feel the tears beginning to well in her throat, which made her run even faster. No one could see her crying- there was only one person alive that had seen her crying, and she certainly didn’t want him to see her now. She reached her door, literally punched in the combination, ran inside, slammed the door behind her, fell back against the door and slid down to the floor, her head hanging low with her arms crossed over the back of her neck. She let out what she’d been holding in as she’d run through the corridors: thick, burning tears cascaded down her cheeks and dropped onto the floor; each one dropping dramatically as if to make the point of what she was doing even clearer. Unlike the point her tears were trying to make, Taz wasn’t dramatic. She didn’t howl at the top of her lungs like some stupid wimpy girl, she didn’t rub her eyes pathetically, she didn’t even make a sound- she just let the tears fall. That way no one would know, no one would come and find her and no one would try to comfort her.

After a few minutes the tears had dried up. Taz sniffed determinedly, and hauled herself up off the floor. She slowly walked over to the sink in the small bathroom her room had, and splashed her face with water, the cool liquid clearing her senses. She breathed in deeply, but then she realised. “Mierda,” she cursed, punching the bathroom wall- she was letting herself go soft, over him, and she had already made an oath with herself that she would never do that. So throwing a disgusted look at herself in the bathroom mirror, she pushed herself away from the sink, out of the bathroom and out the door into the corridor again, letting out a ‘hmf’ as a mixture of anger and determination as she went.

Two turnings before the gym, Up began to enter her thoughts again. What if he’s still in there? She thought as she glared at an ensign who scuttled past her. That doesn’t matter- jou are going to go in der and work out, and jou are only going to do that. Jou won’t even know if he’s looking at jou, because jou won’t be looking at him. Endender? Taz bullied her mind until she reached the doors of the gym. Here we go again... she thought, but maintained her glare as she strode into the gym, and walked straight up to the treadmills. “Move. Now” she growled at the private who was on the treadmill nearest her; unfortunately all of them were being used, but that wouldn’t stop Taz. As the private walked away, trying (and failing) to hide his fear of the Lieutenant, she stepped onto the treadmill, set it to the middle speed, before quickly working up to the top. She kept her head up, jaw set and eyes forward. Taz tried to convince herself that she was making an effort on concentrate on her running, but she knew all she was doing was trying not to look to see if Up was there. She ran harder, mentally shaking her head, not wanting to give anyone any sign what so ever that she wasn’t thinking purely about the treadmill. However inside, she was using all her strength not to turn her head, not to remove her eyes from the drab grey wall in front of her to look at the spot he had been when she was last in the gym. She felt like clawing at her skin and screeching at the top of her voice as each side of her heart battled against one another- the one that wanted so desperately to tell Up how she felt, and the one that cared too much about him to get him killed by trying to protect her like last time. Both so similar and yet Taz felt like she was being ripped in two by them...She ground her teeth together- had she really just thought that? If there was ever a time not to think that it was now. Immediately visions of Qu’Onos came back to her, and she almost broke her glare, but she mentally shook herself and forced herself to run faster, grinding her teeth so much it began to hurt. Taz was now so deep in concentration she almost fell off the treadmill when she heard a voice. No, not just any voice- the voice she’d been hearing in her head for weeks, the voice she had dreams about every night, the voice she had wished to hear- his voice.

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“Uh, hi Taz!” You idiot, Up- how can you just be all cheerful when she looks like she could kill something in a second? Why are you even talking to her? When Up had gone back to the gym after his allocated ‘rest’ from Peter’s patronising ‘work-out’, Up had been sure he was going to focus on the steps this time. However he had found himself immediately stand up when Taz had entered the gym, despite the calls from Peter for him to come and finish the exercise they were working on. He’d seen that she’d been crying as soon as she’d climbed onto the treadmill. Up knew her so well that he even woke up in the night knowing that she’d had a nightmare. He coughed awkwardly and scratched at the back of his head, but then looked her trying to avoid his gaze, and decided to try a more formal approach: “You seem to be working well, Lieutenant; are you preparing for a new mission?” He kept his voice fairly monotone, but he was dreading the answer was yes. He certainly didn’t expect the answer Taz gave him, though: “Thank you, Commander,” she spat out the word like it was one of a robot’s, “but I am not allowed to go on missions for another eight months.”

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Lieutenant. Taz felt her heart sink as he called her that. He was trying so hard to get her to talk to him, and Taz knew he didn’t want to upset her. Again she had to grind her teeth together before she answered. “Thank you Commander, but I am not allowed to go on missions for another eight months.” She had intended to make him think she felt nothing for him, but not to sound so...angry. She felt so sad and yet it had come out to Up as anger. Since Qu’Onos Taz hadn’t been allowed to go on any missions because the Galactic League thought she might be ‘affected by the scenes of war’. It was eating her up inside that she was thought too weak to go on missions- they weren’t even that big now the robot wars were over! That’s right- she was angry because she wasn’t getting to shoot stuff as much. Yeah...that was it. She continued to run, avoiding Up’s gaze until he spoke again, the hurt so clear in his voice it was like Taz had stabbed his heart: “Oh. Right, of course.” He walked away, pushing his trainer away even though he was limping, and started towards the door. “Goodbye...Commander.” Taz still couldn’t bring herself to say his name, and with all the whispering ensigns and privates in the gym, it would probably make her do something stupid like stab yet another ensign in the back, and she didn’t want to be expelled. Up turned, and she nearly broke down when he gave her the slightest of sad smiles.

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“Right! Now that you’re done talking can we get on with his exercise?” Peter said sarcastically as Up walked back to him. The look on his face might have been funny on any other day as Up walked right past him and towards the door, but he needed to get back to his room as soon as possible; he couldn’t face Taz anymore. He felt like such an idiot: she obviously didn’t want to talk to him, and he had completely forgotten that she wasn’t allowed on missions either. It was all his fault that she wasn’t allowed to do the thing she loved and he just rubbed her face in it. He had almost reached the door when he heard her voice. “Goodbye...Commander,” this time her words were much softer, and despite there being two dozen other rangers chattering away in the gym, he heard her clearer than any of them. Up realised he had tears forming along the rims of his eyelids, and blinked them away before turning to Taz and saying

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“Goodbye...Taz.” And with that Up limped out of the gym, his toned shoulders hunched over. Taz slowed the treadmill to a stop and had to close her mouth which had fallen open to an ‘o’. The pain in his voice made her want to scream or break down in tears, and run after him to tell him how sorry she was, and that she didn’t mean to be so angry at him, but she looked around at the small clusters of whispering ensigns who turned to look at her as she stared after Up, and swallowed her feelings yet again, painfully.

Because she was too proud to do that.