When the ocean meets fire

~~~~~~~~~~~~Defeat~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on, Commander! It’s just one little step!” His new ‘trainer’, Chloe, wasn’t as bad as Peter, but she couldn’t do a fraction of what Taz had done for him. It had been four months since Taz left, and without her training him, his confidence had shrunk so much it was almost invisible. He’d refused to have Peter back, sure, but that was as far as he stood up for himself now.

As a result of his confidence plummeting, Up’s physical ability had taken a knock: he hadn’t been able to lift weight for weeks, his limp had come back, and now he was back to working on the steps that Taz had always called pathetic.

So that meant he was pathetic.

He could hear her voice in his head as he tried to lift his right leg down the step faster: Jou’re weak... pathetic...how could I love a man who’s as weak as jou? Four months ago Up might’ve ignored the voice in his head, for it wasn’t at all like hers; it was almost ghost-like, and it didn’t have Taz’s normal tone of voice... it was sneering and whispering- but it still reminded him of her. Her voice might’ve encouraged him on another day, but her tone of voice just didn’t fit. Up had a worrying thought:

What if I’m forgetting her?

No, that couldn’t be right; Taz was in his thoughts all the time! There wasn’t a living second of his day when he didn’t think about her. But that was just it: he thought about her. He needed to see her; it was no use imagining her here with him.

But she wasn’t coming back; not for another eight months.

He sighed slowly, and coming back to reality, he saw that Chloe was looking at him expectantly. He coughed and tried to force his right leg to move faster, but it was no use. He collapsed onto the step and put his head in his hands.

“Aww, come on Commander! What’s up?” Chloe asked sympathetically (thought to Up it was just annoying) as she sat down next to him and put her arm around his shoulders.

“I miss her- I miss Taz! She’s gone and it’s all my fault! I was so stupid to make her go on that mission...” why was he being like this? And why, of all people, was he opening up to Chloe? He wanted to shrug her off as she leant in and hugged his shoulders, but he somehow couldn’t control what he said and did anymore- it was like being trapped in a cage. Taz had been the only one who’d seen the true him, and now she was gone it was as if he couldn’t even be the true him.

“Come on babe, it wasn’t your fault!” what the hell was she on about? It most certainly was his fault that she got on that ship- he literally dragged her onto it! Chloe was just saying what she thought would make him feel better- and though the outside looked like it did; inside he just felt even worse.

He was disgusted at himself when he found that he was crying. Not just red-rimmed eyes and a sniff, but full-blown pathetic baby crying- inChloe’s arms. He hadn’t felt so unlike himself since he’d woken up after Qu’Onos.

“There there,” he wanted to hit Chloe, “you know, I’ve tried this with some of my other pa- uh... friends, and it really helped them.” Up looked down at what she was handing him: a small black compact mirror. He took it and looked at her questioningly.

“You just look yourself in the eye, and you say to yourself: You are a worthwhile person! When I look into your eyes...uh... I get a pleasant feeling!” she was talking like an over-enthusiastic dumb teenage girl, probably making it up as she went along. “Look, Chloe... I don’t really think this is for me- I’ll look funny if I start doing that.” He meant to say it in an annoyed voice, but it came out pathetically whining.

“Don’t worry Up- if you look funny, you can laugh at yourself- it’s okay to do that! Tell that to yourself too.” He looked up at her and she smiled at him encouragingly. He decided that to agree was the only way to get rid of her, so he nodded and smiled back. “Thanks Chloe.” Again he spoke weakly, but she seemed pleased with her work.

“Oh that’s alright babe, I’ll leave you to talk to that mirror!” And with that she jumped up and almost skipped out of the gym.

Up shook his head and rolled his eyes, but looked into the mirror all the same. He looked into the eyes in front of him and saw weakness: the eyes of a crippled, useless, broken man.

A defeated man.