Comfort Kiss (Caskett Fanfiction) - DISCONTINUED

Chapter 5

When the precinct returned to normal, I finally was able to slump down into my chair and stare off into a void of space, completely wide eyed.

I could faintly hear Ryan next to me, talking in my ear to try and get my attention but it was so muffled I wasn't able to even focus on what he was saying. I could see Esposito's hand waving in front of my face in what felt like slow motion but I didn't focus on it either.

The only thought that seemed to pass through my head was that it was my fault he wasn't coming back.

"Kate...Kate? She's not responding. She looks like she's in shock." I heard a muffled voice say. The voice resembled Lanie's but I was too dazed to actually care. I could now see a light passing from eye to eye but I couldn't follow it.

I couldn't process anything beyond the fact it was all my fault.

"Kate... Kate? Kate!" Lanie shouted, shaking my shoulders and snapping my out of my incomprehensible thought. "Kate? Are you alright?" Lanie asked gently, her hands resting gently on my shoulders.

"It's my fault." I mumbled.

"What honey?"

"It's all my fault." I told her, slightly louder this time so she could understand.

"Oh, Kate." She whispered back sadly. "Come with me sweetly and you can tell me all about it." I didn't exactly have a say in the matter as the boys helped me stand up and Lanie lead me down to the morgue.

"Oh my God! Honey, I had no idea it was that bad!"

"It's my fault he's gone, Lanie. He needed me and I left him. What kind of person does that?" I whispered, tears leaking out my eyes and gravity doing the rest as I stared at my feet as they hung suspended from the floor while I sat on the cool metal of the autopsy table.

"Kate, he told you you could go back to Josh. You did everything he asked you to do. In my opinion, he didn't intend for you to actually leave."

"That's why I feel..." I couldn't even get the words out as my eyes squeezed shut, more tears escaping as I continued to lay everything out in the open for the first time since it happened. "He has no one with him. Alexis is with Ashleigh and she will be leaving for college with him soon and Martha is moving in with one of her theatre friends. He is in that big apartment all by himself and he reached out to me and I rejected him!"

"Kate, you didn't reject him. You're in a relationship with Josh and you were a good friend to him. You thought you were doing the right thing at the time."

"You don't get it!" I yelled at her, making Lanie wince slightly.

"He asked me to kiss him! And I kissed him and then he told me to stop if it didn't mean anything but I couldn't. I knew it was wrong but I didn't want to stop and I twisted his feelings, making him think that I could be there for him when I was too scared to. We're all still recovering after Montgomery and now that his family has moved on without him, I don't know how he can cope. It's all my fault he's alone." I sobbed. I felt Lanie's arms snake around my shoulders and pull me into a sideways hug.

"Sweetie, you know what you need to do? You need to support him though this. But maybe be less physical about it this time." She smiled gently.

I nodded slowly and felt Lanie pull me into a crushing hug. "Now go off and get him. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." She chuckled.

My head popped up and my arms slacked from around Lanie.

"Oh, God! What have I done?" I whispered as I quickly wriggled myself out of her grasp and ran out of the morgue. I was far too impatient to take the elevator, so I ran up the stair as quickly as I could and into the bullpen.

"Boys!" I called them to attention. "With me." I instructed. They grabbed their things and followed me without hesitation while I quickly gathered my things together and speed walked though, ignoring Gates calling after us.

We bee lined for the elevator, seeing the doors close just as Gate's face came into view in the bull pen, glaring at us icily. I was too focused on Castle to particularly care too much about what happened to me and my job.

Right now, all that mattered was him.

The elevator ride down to the garage was painfully slow and the tension in the air was palpable. When the doors final opened, I burst out of the steel cage and onto the concrete as if the elevator was suffocating me. I ran to my car and threw the door open and then myself behind the wheel. I shoved the key into ignition and forced the car to start. I quickly shoved the gear stick into reverse and, placing my arm around the passenger seat, I backed the car up and lined it up, nearly running over the boys in the process.

"Get in." I ordered. They complied without argument or question; something that would normally bring a smile to my face but right now was not the time to be praising them for being obedient.

We... I had to get to Castle.

Once they were in the back seats, I shoved the car back into forward and, tires screeching, I took off like a bullet out the garage and onto the Manhattan streets. I flicked the siren on, not at all feeling guilty about abusing the privileges of a cop, and sped through several red lights, reaching his apartment in record time.

As the car skidded to a stop by the curb, I shoved it into park, switching off the siren and the ignition.

I threw my door open only to come face to face with the boys, standing in front of me, waiting for an order, nerves evident in their faces behind their stoic expressions.

My heart was beating a mile a minute in my chest painfully against my scar and the next thing I knew my legs gave out from under me and two pairs of hands caught my arms as I passed out.