Is Your Warriors OC A Mary-Sue?

Sunstripe

This OC was submitted by FireTheSkelepun.

Name: Sunstripe

You do realize that she would never be able to become the ThunderClan leader because there has already been a Sunstar of ThunderClan. I know that how you wrote her makes it so she isn't leader, but she's still deputy.

Nickname: Sunny

Clan/Rank: Deputy of ThunderClan?

You didn't say exactly what Clan she's in, and it took me a few minutes to figure that out...

Apprentice(s): Grasstail and Jessie

Grasstail was Sunstripe's kit, weren't they? That's against the code.

Gender: She-cat

Looks: http://ffo64.deviantart.com/art/Sunstripe-596832663

Picture above.

Personality: Kind and understanding will listen to leader and try's peace before fighting

This is so stereotypical of ThunderClan cats... also, tries, not try's. Try's isn't even proper English.

Mate/Crush/Kit(s): Tinystar is her mate they're kits are Grasstail Redspots and Butterflywings

*sighs* If Scourge took a warrior name, he would NOT have taken Tiny as a name... he HATED that name, and would have wanted the name Scourge still, no matter how "reformed" he was. Also, this statement alone drops the originality by at least 25%. Also, they're means they are, so you probably meant to say their.

Sexuality: Straight

Age: 48 moons

Parents: Her real parents are unknown her foster parents were Thistleclaw and Snowfur

*internal screaming*

Siblings: real siblings are also unknown but foster sibling is Whitestorm

Bio/Backstory: Sunstripe then Sunpaw was walking through ThunderClan territory and  Tiny a small black cat with a purple collor and a white paw they played until they had to leave she realized that his siblings were bully's but returned to ThunderClan. A bit later Sunstar made her Sunstripe she left the clan and found Tiny this time he had teeth in his collor and was Scourge but she soon realized she loved Bone but didn't want kits. After seeing Scourge murder a cat in cold blood she ran away from BloodClan and became a kitty pet for a while taking the name Sunny and meeting Rosie Lucy and Cream. One night Cream and Sunstripe went to the woods to met Fireheart warrior of ThunderClan. Sunny rejoined becoming Sunstripe again and all her friends stayed near later joining and gaining the names Rosetail Creamfur and Rosespots. The battle with BloodClan came and she realized Scourge was there she guarded and saved him as Firestar didn't want to be mean as Tigerstar. Scourge joined as Tinyclaw later becoming Tinystar. Sunstripe got captured by the remaining BloodClan cats. Rosespots used her absence to have kits with Tinystar they had Featherkit.

I don't understand any of this... The story is all over the place, not to mention the lack of grammer corrections makes it nearly impossible to just read, and not to mention that everything here is just, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

Relation to any main characters?: A lot to many for me to name

At least I bothered to name the closest relation to my character on the example...

Likes: Tinystar,Firestar,Peace

*dying inside*

Dislikes: war,death,monsters

Strengths: her broad muscles make her pack quite a blow

First of all, if she has broad muscles, you should have picked a template of a cat with broad muscles... that cat has very little muscles.

Weaknesses: water she can't swim,and BloodClan

Extras: N/A

Okay, where do I begin? First off, the name Sunstripe, no. Not if they are going to be in ThunderClan, and definitely not if they're going to be deputy of ThunderClan. Next, the mate of 'Tinystar'. The name Tinystar is not for Scourge. Scourge would have wanted his name to stay as Scourge, or at the very least Scourgestar. Also the fact that her bio is poorly written and hard to understand makes this OC even worse. The story of her bio doesn't even stay on one path, instead it veers off at every pebble on the ground or every leaf on every tree, too many unrelated topics in her bio. Detail is one thing, but going off on some completely opposite thing is another situation. Also, where is Bluestar? I don't think there was a single mention of her. Also you say that Sunstripe's foster parents are Snowfur and Thistleclaw, but not a single mention of them either. The appearance is okay, but golden cats in ThunderClan are overused, even if it is in the common gene pool for that Clan. And how can she have a problem with BloodClan when she is 'mating' their leader?

That's enough ranting for now, I think you get the picture.

Overall, I give this OC:
0% Original
100% Changeable

Sorry, Fire, but I lay down the truth, no matter how cold and sharp it is.