Mental

Chapter Twenty|Northern Downpour

Phil

And Phil was so lost in Evan's gaze he almost fell asleep again. They were talking, but barely above whispers. Asking the questions no one wanted to answer. The endless rain still pouring out of the grey clouds. Today was going to be the worst storm all year.

"Do you believe in God?" Evan asked.

Phil smiled, "I believe in life, and death. And I can only dream that maybe there is something more than that."

Evan nodded, "Why?"

"If God was real we wouldn't have so many problems on our hands."

Evan took a deep breath, "All things happen for a reason."

"You really believe that? After everything you've been through you actually think that there is a reason for everything?" Phil says with doubt.

Evan smiles, "Everything that has happened so far has led me to you. I think that we were born to be friends."

"Do you?"

"There is a level of understanding only we can achieve together."

"Are you saying you're my soul mate?"

Evan blushed, "Last I checked my name wasn't Dan Howell."

Phil smiled, "Dan is a mystery to me."

"Why do you say that?"

"I held him in my arms yesterday. The most beautiful boy I'd ever met. He was crying. Feeling as if he was wrong. I almost broke out into tears too because...because it reminded me of myself," Phil said quietly.

"Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"If I tell you something you don't want to hear will you get angry?"

"Probably."

Evan sighed, and took Phil's hands hoping it would soothe him when he told him anyway.

"I'm going to trust you," Evan whispered, "Trust you to just listen."

Phil nodded.

"Phil Lester, you are hopelessly in love with Dan Howell."

Phil was shocked at first. Expecting something different, "W-what are you talking about?"

Evan chuckled, "Well at least you didn't yell."

Phil snorted, "I am not in love with Dan."

"You are so in love with Dan."

"I've never been in love," Phil whispered.

"Well," Evan said, "It's like war on the ocean. The chaotic battle is the angst of not knowing. The dying hope being a sort of comfort, and curse. We reach a climax; sinking. Falling ever so slowly before it's all over. And then you're without air completely trapped in open space. The drown. No one leaves war the same."

"Sounds terrifying," Phil muttered.

"Isn't it?"

Phil gulped, "I'm incapable of love."

Evan shook his head, "That's the thing, Phil. No one is incapable of love."

Phil paused for a second, before speaking, "Did it hurt?"

"Did what hurt?"

"Loving Ren?"

Evan took a deep breath through his nose, "It hurt like hell to lose her more than it did to love her. I was messed up before I met her. On any drugs I could get my hands on. She was like a new type of drug. So important, so intoxicating, worth more than anything I had. I was addicted to her. And when she was gone...all other drugs stopped working for me."