Mental

Chapter Twenty-Three|This is Gospel

Chris

I know the world's a broken bone.

Could he fight the fire in his heart with the ice that frosted over his brain? Could he drive his chest numb? Because Chris Kendall didn't want to feel anymore. He wanted zero. A still.

A summer love; Pj was sun. A winter crush; Chris was moon. From the moment he met him they were an eclipse. One that never separated.

Until the sun faded.

And where did the moon go? Unable to shine on his own. Alone in the sky invisible to everyone's eyes.

Locked away in permanent slumber.

Chris took his death the hardest.

Yeah, Pj had a boyfriend who was overrun with guilt, and an enemy who was feeling the same way. Yeah, he had a mother who was spending most of her time wrapped with tissues, and a sister who was once so happy, but now rarely moved. But he also had a friend he used to be in love with.

Chris watched the camera footage of the hospital with puffy red eyes, seeing nothing different at all within the walls of Cynthia. It was so boring and plain for a place with such colorful people. Nothing was different. Except there were no glimpses of Pj as he made his way through the halls smiling at everyone, and greeting patients he didn't even know.

He always used to look up at the cameras and wave, as if he knew that it was Chris watching him. It wasn't Chris every time, but when it was he waved back even though he knew Pj couldn't see him.

No one waved at the cameras as Chris watched today. It was as if everyone knew that Pj was gone. They probably did. There was such a grey to the place. Even the most ecstatic patients who waltzed with people who didn't even exist were sat down just shaking in the commons area.

The world was drained. Chris was drained.

He saw Dr. Howell enter the hospital at about 7 am. Later than usual. The cameras could just make out the bags under his eyes, and slump to his posture. Chris struggled to look away.

He finally did when he heard the familiar static voice of Mrs. Urban on his walkie talkie. The chief of security. (Also known as Cockblock of the century)

"Kendall, switch shifts with Greene please, I want you monitoring the halls today, over."

Chris knew it was her pity attempt to get him up and moving again. He'd been watching the cameras blankly all week. She knew how he felt about Pj. Everyone did, no matter how hard they tried to hide their friendship.

"Yes, ma'am, over," Chris muttered into the radio. He swore he could hear her sigh.

As he got up he nodded at Brad Greene, a more clumsy security guard. He came in warily, and sat down.

Brad gave him a sympathetic smile, "Hey, I'm sorry for your loss, man."

Chris stared at him for a second before shrugging, "Yeah, me too."

He walked out into the hall still hurting all over from the emptiness inside. He passed by Pj's even emptier office that was right across from the security room, and winced.

Even though he didn't want to be seen he was kind of glad he left the security room. He was so close to kissing Pj in there it sickened him to look at the chair where Pj had sat only inches from him. He could have kissed him but didn't. Yes, there were a number of places where that happened, but he didn't have to work in them everyday.

As he made his way around his usual security route he turned a corner, and was stopped by almost running into Dan.

"Oops, I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"No, don't be I was looking for you anyway," Dan said.

Chris furrowed his eyebrows, "Why?"

Dan grabbed Chris by the collar, and pulled his lips against his. Chris froze at the contact, but didn't really pull away. He sort of just awkwardly struggled against Dan, feeling extremely confused and violated.

Dan then let go of him a little forcefully, and wiped some tears from his eyes.

"What in the bloody hell was that for?" Chris questioned a little under a yell.

Dan gulped, "Pj says that's for all the kisses he ever wanted to give you, but never did."

Chris stared at him as tears welled in his forest green eyes, and everything is spinning because nothing seems right, and how is it fair at all that Pj loved him once, and they never once ended up together?

He can't make sense of Dan's words because the world is so fucked up, and he is too. All that playing around they did when they were kids meant something to Pj too, and god he just doesn't understand.

Chris starts to laugh filling up the hallway with the sound, "My whole life is just some sort of fucking joke isn't it?"

It's a rhetorical question, so Dan doesn't answer. He simply smiles a bit. Suddenly, it seems a whole lot like they're the crazy ones in the building. Grinning through immense pain.

"Pj's death is just the punchline," Dan says.

Chris can only nod.

Dan pulls Chris in for a hug because he can't stop himself from sobbing, and he doesn't want to do it alone. It's actually kind of funny, because Dan had no idea that Chris was in love with Pj the whole time.

"Chris?"

"Yeah?"

"He told me to tell you that he loves you too."

All it takes is those words, and Chris is crying uncontrollably into Dan's shoulder. Did Pj hear him say that? When he whispered it in his ear before he left? Had he really been awake? There are so many questions in his head, and he can't breathe. Fuck, he can't breathe. He's choking on his own tears, and he can hear that Dan is too.

If you love me let me go.

"Did you ever love him?" Chris asks.

Dan swallows the lump in his throat, "Of course I did. Just never the way he wanted."

"That's good," Chris says, "Because hell, I loved him too."