Mental

Chapter Twenty-Five|Sarah Smiles

Dan

Funeral plans hung over Dan's head like a dark, gloomy cloud. Over the week he'd been gone he had to make them like origami stars, and throw them to the sky. He had been planning everything out alone because he didn't want to get Pj's mum involved. Can you even possibly imagine the hurt that you'd feel having to plan your own sons funeral?

Dan refused to burden the poor woman.

Today was the day. He was going to see Pj's face again for the first time in a while. But not his usual tanned skin, and bright green eyes. No, the pale lost version of sunshine he was now. Sunken in, and decaying. Moonlight.

Dan stared at his tuxedo blankly in nothing but a towel. He was freezing, but the heat was on, and maybe it wasn't because of his lack of clothing. It was like ice had layered over his heart and flooded his veins.

If Pj were here he'd make a joke about Dan in his towel chanting, 'Towel Howell! Towel Howell!' until Dan got so annoyed he'd take it off, and throw it him. Pj would giggle, and snake his arms around his waist pulling him in for a kiss, and Dan would blush as he became increasingly aware of his lack of clothing, but it'd only make Pj giggle more.

Maybe if Phil Lester hadn't entered his life Dan would've fallen in love with Pj. But Phil was always changing him and how he felt, and now that Dan has met him he wouldn't trade him for anyone else.

His phone buzzed. It was a text from Pj's mother, Angela, saying that she was picking up Sugar for an authorized trip to Pj's funeral without any guards, or doctors. Dan had already signed the form saying Sugar was in a stable enough mental state at the moment to not be a danger to anyone for this couple of hours. Maybe she would stay that way, and would finally get to leave the hospital that caused Dan so much dread.

The funeral starts at three, but Dan's expected to be there by 2:30 pm.
It's 1:57.

Dan wants to curl back into his bed and sleep for days. But he just keeps staring at the goddamn black tux he picked out to wear today. It was the same one he wore on the last day before their break, and about a month before his death. Pj's favorite thing that Dan ever wore.

Maybe he should just burn it after today is done.

He gets ready slowly after he finds some sort of will power to tear his eyes away from the outfit. He slips it on through tears. The rest of his process is also slow, and he doesn't feel like he is even well enough to attend.

He looks at the clock, 2:15.

He might be late.
Oh, well.

As he gets in his empty car after sludging down the stairs. He stares out of his window for a second. He doesn't want to drive, and he doesn't want to move. He just wants to sink into his leather seats, and watch the world go by through his windshield.

Eventually, he starts up the car and pulls out of the space, but he doesn't start heading towards the funeral. He's headed for Cynthia Hall.

***

Phil

"Phillip?"

Phil doesn't turn from his spot on his bed where he's staring at his ceiling alone. It kind of reminded him of the night Pj came to apologize, and Phil acted like a total asshole. He thinks he and his ceiling are enemies.

"Phillip, are you there?"

Phil nods slowly as the voice brings him into painful reality.

"Phil, you will be checking out today to attend an unlisted event with Dr. Howell."