Mental

Chapter Fifteen|She Had The World

Dan

There was a calm in his eyes today. Dan was lost in the feeling. An unfamiliar emotion was present in the yellow flakes that light his irises. Something Dan couldn't place. An emotion he's never seen in a patients face before when they looked at him. His insanity seemed to have degraded. He looked almost normal.

He stared at him like he put the stars in the sky. With a sort of awe. Like the first time Dan met Pj.

"Hi, Phil," he whispered.

He didn't know why he was whispering, but maybe it was because talking felt like ruining the moment. He wanted to live in the quiet with Phil forever. Though he could never admit that.

"Hello, Dan," Phil whispered back.

"I missed you," Dan blurts out without thinking. Oh god, why did I say that?

"I missed you too," Phil replies with a smile. His eyes glimmer with that...emotion. It's foreign to his face. What could it be?

"You seem different today," Dan started, "I like it."

"I've barely said anything to you today," Phil replies with a quiet laugh.

"No, but I can see it," Dan says quietly, "I can see it in your eyes."

Phil stares up at him with slight smirk on his lips, "Do you like what you see?"

Dan blushes a bit, "More than I'd like to admit."

Phil nods, "I should say the same for you."

Dan looks at the floor, "Phil, can I trust you?"

Phil smiles, "Did you seriously just ask the crazy person with bipolar disorder if you could trust them?"

"Yes."

Phil shakes his head, "I want you to trust me, but I don't want to hurt you."

"Why would you hurt me?"

"I am metal chains. Shackles at your wrists. I drag you down. I rust on your skin. I bind you to emptiness, and a stone wall. I am nothing, but a burden to you. To the world. I am a heavy reminder of sorrow. Of imprisonment within life."

Silence. Utter still.

"Would you believe me if I told you that you're beautiful?" Dan says, barely above a whisper.

Phil closes his eyes. He breaths in and out slowly as if soaking in the atmosphere. Thinking deeply about each syllable of Dan's sentence. Dwelling on an answer.

"No," Phil replies.

Dan sighs, "If you could see what I see things would be so much different."

"If you could see what I see you'd be locked up in here with me," Phil jokes.

"I wouldn't mind that."

Phil laughed, "You'd lose your mind all over again."

"I'd be happy to lose my mind if it meant I'd get to spend all of my time with you."

Why does he change me like this?

"We always do this," Phil says, "Every time you come here."

"What?"

"Talk to each other with a hidden meaning behind our words. Always having secrets we can't admit on the tip of our tongues. Never meaning what we say when we yell. Always meaning what we say when we joke. Like an old married couple."

Dan chuckles, "I guess that's just how we are to each other."

Phil turned towards the window, "I'm scared of us."

Dan paused, "Why?"

"I'm scared that if I don't stop talking to you, I'll fall."

Doctor Howell sighed, "But you have to talk to me."

"I know. You have to know me more than I know me, and opening up to someone is a lot. That's why I'm so scared to tell you about my dreams."

"You can trust me, Phil."

"But I can't trust myself."

"Why is that?"

"I'm a liar. I lie to everyone; even myself, and I can't bring myself to lie to you."

"I wish that Pj wouldn't lie to me," Dan mumbled.

Phil lifted his head up, "What do you mean?"

Dan sighed, "I'm sorry, I brought myself into this conversation. We're supposed to be talking about you."

"But I like to know about you."

"I know, but I'd rather not talk about my relationship issues with you."

"Is it because you don't trust me?"

"You told me that I couldn't trust you," Dan retorts.

Phil sighs, "I'm sorry if I confuse you."

"It's okay, but why do you do that?"

"Because I'm confused myself."

"About what?"

"How I feel."

"About what?"

"EVERYTHING, DAN!" Phil snaps, "I don't know why but I keep dreaming that I hurt you, and I keep waking up in tears! And I'm confused because I like you, and I haven't liked anyone in so long. I'm confused about why I'm still here! I'm confused about why life is so hard! And I'm confused about why you're so goddamn BEAUTIFUL!"

Dan isn't shocked anymore by his outbursts. He stands up slowly, now facing Phil who had also stood up to shout, and pace around the room. He stared into his eyes again. Picking out that emotion, and falling deeper into it's grasp. Phil is shaking with anger that seemed to come out of nowhere. But Dan knows he can't control it.

He gently places his hand on his arm, and Phil flinched at his touch. Dan moves in closer. He can feel his warmth.

"Phil?" Dan asks.

"Yeah," Phil replies quietly.

"How can I be beautiful to you when I hurt you so much?"

"Broken glass has a sparkle, and roses have thorns."

Dan thinks about that for a moment. His eyes never leave Phil's. He wants to kiss him. Every part of him knows he shouldn't, but Phil was so tempting. His voice low, and quiet. His pink lips are achingly close to his own. Blue eyes boring into his brown ones. So perfect.

He starts to lean in, but when he gets close, Phil stops him with his words.

"It's to dangerous to love," Phil whispers. His voice carries onto Dan's lips.

"Is that why you push me away?" Dan questions in a quiet tone.

Phil shakes his head, "I keep pushing you away, because all I want to do is hold you close."