Mental

Chapter Twenty-Two|Memories

AN: Keep with the song pls

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Dan

Time of Death: 3:14 am

Pj Ligouri was dead.

All of the light he had shone into the world had dissipated. Consumed by rain, grey darkness, and an old truck.

Sort of like the passing of Mario. Dan was just as crushed. He hasn't talked to Phil in a week. Grief. He was overcome with grief.

The last image of Pj's bright green eyes burned in his brain. When he woke up, and went to sleep he could still see them. It was the only thing that made him feel anymore. No, he was never in love with Pj. But at one point he had feelings for him. At one point he called him his, and held him in the mornings he'd stay over.

He should have been more appreciative of the little gifts Pj gave him. The happiness. It was all reigning down on him; the things he'd grown used to that he'd never have again.

No more goodbye nose kisses, and morning giggles, or feeding each other chocolate strawberries though they thought it was cheesy, or laughing when one of them did something stupid. No more random teasing, Mario Kart competitions, or dancing in the kitchen while Pj made his signature cinnamon chocolate chip pancakes, and stealing kisses at work when they thought no one else could see.

Never again.

Dan looked in the full body mirror he used to watch Pj get dressed in front of, and gagged. He was the boy who basically killed the only man who ever gave a damn about him. Maybe Phil did, but he wouldn't know anymore. His image was a phantom of what of what he used to be. How disgusting.

If Pj was still here he would come up behind Dan, and wrap his arms around his waist and tell him that he was beautiful. He would point to Dan's face, and force him to listen to him talk about how perfect it was. Dan would blush until he looked like a tomato, and Pj would finally be satisfied.

Never again.

Dan was finally going back to work today. He was probably going to be late, but it didn't matter. He was sure his boss would understand. Going around his apartment was a constant reminder of Pj. Everything he had ever touched made Dan wince when he looked at it. Five months of Pj leaving traces everywhere.

Melt your headaches, call it home.

Dan did good for himself. Doctors did indeed make a lot of money. But what was money with no one to share it with? Not that Pj wasn't rich as well. Of course he was. But they spent more time at Dan's. His huge apartment seemed so empty now. There used to be another soul here everyday, and he's never coming back.

Dan traced his fingers along the walls to his kitchen. He had to make his lunch, and he hoped there would be stuff to actually eat. As he got closer, he could almost smell the cinnamon chocolate chip pancakes. But there were none there when he entered.

On his fridge he always had a note pad for reminders. To his surprise there was a single note written on the Thursday column:

Dan- Remember to get some more cereal. I'm a sad child deprived of basic needs such as Lucky Charms

Love, Peej :) XOXO

And Dan could feel his heart break as he fell to his knees in a fit of sobs. Such a simple thing he could never get back. He never did get Pj those Lucky Charms because he and Pj weren't talking at the time after the note was left.

So many mistakes he wish he could change. More and more tears for every 'what if'.

He has to be at work in twenty minutes.

That's good. He has forever to cry, and twenty minutes to actually get ready.

Maybe he could just eat something at the cafe. Yeah, it would cost him, but it's not like he can't pay for it. Maybe he just won't eat at all.

He feels like a zombie as he throws his work clothes on, and he feels uncomfortable now in anything that isn't his pajamas, or Pj's old sweaters.

When he decides it's time to go, he stops dead in his tracks as he stares at his car.

Crash.

Tears well up in his eyes again, and he hates himself. He hates how it seemed that he'll never escape the guilt of Pj. He kept staring at the car with anger, and thinking of all the morning drives with Pj where they would turn on the radio, and shout the lyrics to whatever was playing even if they didn't fucking know the song, they put on a damn good show of making it up and humming. God, those good times.

But he also finds himself missing the bad things too.

No more scrambling in the morning throwing clothes at each other because they're going to be late for work, no more lies, no more secrets, no more half truths, and 3 am apologies. No more snapping at each other because they're both too defensive, and silent mornings afterwards where they'd both end up crying in apology because they can't help it. Maybe it sounds like those are things that should have broken them up, or are too sad, but fuck, he still misses them.

Pj was Dan's best friend.

Never again.

The night before Pj passed he told Dan that he loved him so many times Dan thought he was going to suffocate. But he was doing the same to Pj without even realizing. Only Pj did suffocate.

"Dan, I love you so much in so little time of knowing you it's almost unbelievable. And I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm dead. Whatever hope the doctors gave you, like I'm going to survive through the night is bullshit. I know that I only have hours left. I'm probably better than all of them combined. But before I sleep I want to just say that I am happy for you and Phil. Fuck, I was just jealous that we'd never be as in love. I don't know if you guys are in a relationship--no, Dan, no interrupting the dying man--thank you. Now, I don't know if you guys are in a relationship, but you should be. I've only ever wanted you to be happy; I was just scared when you found it with someone else. Please, be happy Dan. For me. You're smile is so beautiful."

And Dan nodded to him, and kissed him, much to Pj's protest, but if he didn't do it now he'd never get to do it again. When Pj closed his eyes that night he never opened them again.

His last words were simply, "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

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AN: I want to kill myself