The Adventures of Prudence Funk and Her Bag of Fish

24-Prudence Goes to the Aquarium

Prudence ended up taking a plane back home. She was not in the mood to be chased by the Cancun police all day.

When she back, she left the airport, bag of fish in hand, and walked all the way back to her sewage lake home. She laid down on her toddler sized mattress, smelled her bag of fish, and took a nap.

When she woke up, she was sad that she was no longer in Cancun. It was really nice there,  but she did not have a lot of fun. Prudence was so sad. So very sad.

But for Prudence, it was quite nice to be home. She had her cardboard box, her bed bug infested mattress, and the aroma of the sewage lake for her nostrils to enjoy. And most importantly, she had her bag of fish to keep her sane. Or at least a little bit sane. Or not.

Then Prudence got an idea. She could have a staycation! Prudence thought she was a genius.

The only problem was, she had no money. So when she saw an innocent pedestrian, she smacked him with her bag of fish and took his wallet. Prudence opened it and found a crisp, beautiful, 5 dollar bill. Prudence was so excited! She imagined everything she could do with the 5 dollar bill.

She finally decided several hours later to go to the aquarium. She wanted to go since she was was a kid, but her mother never let her...

24 years earlier

"Take me to the aquarium!" Prudence told her mother while she cooked salmon for dinner.

Her mother rolled her eyes.  "Prudence, for the last time, it is late at night and I had a long day! I'm tired, and I need to cook dinner. We are not going to the aquarium today - or ever, because I don't want you to embarrass me there!" She said. Prudence was so disappointed. She felt misunderstood.

"Mom I need help with my homework!" Wendy, Prudence's older sister, said. Prudence's mother went to help with Wendy's homework, giving Prudence the perfect opportunity to get some fish.

She reached into the hot pan to pet the salmon. It was hot, but silly Prudence was too stupid to move her hand, despite the increasing pain in her hand. She finally moved it when her mother turned around. Prudence had third degree burns on her hand.

"PRUDENCE!" Her mother screamed. "What the hell is wrong with you? I turn my back for thirty seconds and this is what you do? Oh, why must you be so obsessed with fish?"

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Prudence's mind returned to the present. She was so misunderstood. But now here she was, in front of the aquarium. She was very happy. But she really wanted to take a nap. So she fell asleep on the sidewalk.

She woke up the next morning. She was really freakin' excited to finally visit the aquarium. She burst through the doors.

The line was really long, full of mothers and fathers and screaming children saying, "I WANT TO SEE THE FISHIES!!!!" Prudence was bothered by the children and the long line. But luckily for Prudence, her stench was so awful that several people in front of her passed out.

When she got to the counter, the unenthusiastic woman at the desk said in a monotone, "Welcome to the Happy Sea Creature So Very Fun Aquarium. My name is Debra. The price of admission is 5 dollars."

Prudence was so happy she had enough money. She gave Debra the money. "Thank you for coming to Happy Sea Creature So Very Fun Aquarium. Have a fish-tastic day." Debra said.

Prudence couldn't wait to see the fish. She was surrounded by tanks full of beautiful, colorful fish. She also saw octopi, dolphins, and seahorses. But she didn't give a shit about them. She just wanted to stare at the fish.

She saw a giant fish tank and lots of fish swimming about. She went up to the tank, but it was really crowded so it was hard to get a good look at the tank. Prudence pushed an old lady and a little girl and boy out of her way, then pressed her face to the glass to stare at the fish. She saw dozens of fish. It was dazzling.

Prudence felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and saw the enraged faces of a mother, father, and grandmother. She also heard the cries of the little girl and boy that she pushed out of the way.

"EXCUSE ME BUT HOW DARE YOU PUSH ME AND MY GRANDCHILDREN OUT OF YOUR WAY YOU SELFISH UGLY SMELLY WOMAN!" said the rambunctious grandma. She smacked Prudence across the face with her purse.

"YOU WANNA FIGHT, OLD WOMAN?" Prudence said.

"BRING IT, BITCH!!!" The grandma shouted.
Grandma tackled Prudence and punched her repeatedly in the face. Her grandkids were cheering her on. Prudence could not believe how strong this grandma was. Grandma took her dentures out and smacked Prudence in the nose. Grandma proceeded to punch and smack Prudence for a good 20 seconds.

Prudence finally was able to smack Grandma across the face, and kick her ten feet away. Grandma got up, flipped Prudence off, then started running towards Prudence. Prudence took her bag of fish and smacked grandma like a baseball, sending her flying out of the aquarium.

"OWWWWWWWWW! MY OLD LADY KNEE!" She shrieked. "Damn that smelly woman!"

Prudence thought she had won. But Grandma still got up. She only scraped her knee. Grandma shoved her dentures in her mouth and ran once again towards Prudence.

Prudence took her bag of fish and smacked the grandma. Then grandma began chasing Prudence.

Prudence ran as fast as she could, but Grandma was catching up to her. Prudence finally stopped and used her bag of fish to whack that lady straight into the fish tank.

Grandma went straight through the glass, sending a gushing wave of water and fish towards the crowd of people that had gathered to watch the battle between Prudence and the grandma. People ran away screaming, while Prudence just stared at the glorious wave of fish. It was beautiful.

The wave crashed down, sending Prudence and other people towards the front doors of the aquarium. Prudence held on tight to her bag of fish. The force of the wave burst through the glass windows and left hundreds of fish everywhere.

Prudence stood up. She saw the flopping fish about her, and smelled them. She reached down to pick them up, but then she heard sirens of the cops, as well as the angry curses of the crowd of people, including a surprisingly uninjured Grandma. Prudence ran away. She wished she could have kept some of those fish, but she still had a fabulous day at the aquarium.