The Adventures of Prudence Funk and Her Bag of Fish

29-Prudence Gets a Cooking Show

One day, Prudence was walking through the city when she saw a poster that said:

Do you love to cook?
Do you want to be on TV?
Do you want to be famous?

Well, now is your chance to star in your very own cooking show! Auditions will be held at Kissmyass Studios! Just cook up your best dish, bring it to the audition, and our judges will judge your food right in front of you and tell you whether or not it sucks! Only one person can win! Additions start this Friday!

Prudence wanted to try out to see if she would win. But being the nasty biatch she is, she decided not to make her own dish.

So she went to a fancy restaurant and ordered the fanciest seafood on the menu. It was salmon dipped into liquid gold. When the food arrived she took the plate and walked out.

A few days later it was Friday. Prudence was so excited she went to the studio at midnight and was first in line.

Eight hours later, she finally could go inside and present her dish.

The three judges were named Robert, Fredrick, and Sheila. They were all very fancy.

Prudence gave them the plate of salmon dipped in gold.

"EXQUISITE! ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS! Robert shrieked. In fact, the salmon was so good that he went outside and screamed, "WE HAVE FOUND OUR WINNER! Now everybody GET OUT!" The disappointed crowd walked away, and Prudence was very excited.

A month later, Prudence was ready to film the first episode of her live cooking show, "Cooking with Prudence" in front of a live studio audience. The set of the show was an awful looking kitchen since Prudence had no sense of style, and much to the network's disgust, she made the set hella gross. The cabinets were old wood cabinets from the 70s- she found them at the dump. The countertops were covered in food and oil from the practicing she had done off camera. The appliances she picked out were also old, since they were all mint green. There was also her dripping bag of fish sitting on the counter behind the island, where its fish secretions dripped upon the counter's surface.

Finally, the cameras were rolling.

"Hi there cooking amateurs! My name is Prudence, and I'm gonna show you how to cook a delicious fish dinner, using ingredients that you most likely could find at your local dump! Let's get started, bitches!"

She really wasn't supposed to curse on camera, but Prudence did what she wanted.

"First get your fish!" She grabbed a dead fish from the bag behind her, kissed it, and slapped it onto the counter, spattering its rotten juices.

"Now season that fish!" Prudence grabbed some dirt and chili pepper and rubbed it into the fish, mushing it into its eye socket. Then she took a spoon and whacked the fish repeatedly until the head came off.

The audience recoiled in disgust. The network had no freakin clue that THIS is what she was gonna make on the show.

Prudence grabbed a dirty pan, coated it with old cooking spray, and put the fish's body into the pan. While it cooked she sprayed some cheese from a can onto that fish. Prudence cooked one side of the fish until it was charred and the other side was raw. She took it out of the pan and threw it onto the counter.

She took a knife and spoon and scooped out the fish guts. She put them on top of the raw, cheese covered side of the fish. Then she dumped an entire container of chili powder onto the fish. She then dumped an entire container of milk onto the fish before garnishing it with a rotten strawberry.

She took the fish's head and coated it with shake and bake, spray cheese as well as some soy sauce. She put it into the oven at 500 degrees and in the meantime continued preparing the rest of the fish.

"Now you need to cover the fish with salt!" She said. She took a giant container of salt and poured it onto the fish. She flopped the fish around in the salt until it was coated.

"Now we need to stuff the fish!" She said. She took some raw pizza dough, coated it with pickle juice and garlic powder, and stuffed it into the fish.

She got the charred head out of the oven and sprayed some more cheese onto the body and stuck the head into it. Finally she topped it all off with a slice of rotten lime.

"Can I have a volunteer from the audience?" She screamed. Of course, no one raised their hand. So Prudence pointed at a frightened young man in the front row and said, "YOU SIR! Get up here and try my fish!"

He shuffled up onto the stage and refused to eat it. So she grabbed his head and smushed it into the fish. Five seconds later he stood up and regurgitated. "That smells horrible!" He screamed before vomiting again.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY FOOD!!!!!" Prudence said. Of course, she grabbed her bag of fish and whacked the guy, who was flung across the studio and hit the wall. She proceeded to destroy the camera equipment. She swallowed her fish meal in one bite and ran out of the studio. She was sad that she didn't have a cooking show anymore, but at least she got to show people her cooking skills.