𝐁𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐄𝐒. ( 𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒 ) ✓

xl. YOU DON'T LOVE ME

Bucky was a fairly insecure person after everything he'd been through. No-one could blame him. He felt that everything as a consequence of being brainwashed into The Winter Soldier meant that he, as Bucky Barnes, was a bad person.

Of course everyone knew that this wasn't true. Fragments of the old Bucky Barnes were back. His use of 40's slang, his cheesy jokes and his skills with the ladies. In fact, a precise mixture of all of those things was what you suspect caused the two of you to start dating.

However, just as the old Bucky came back - as did parts of The Winter Soldier.

After knowing Bucky for a couple of years now, it was safe to say that you always had a feeling as to when one of Bucky's 'episodes', as many liked to refer to them, was about to occur.  One of the worst you'd ever encountered was only a short while ago. Usually Bucky may act irrationally for a couple of seconds before he calms down or sometimes he gets nightmares more frequently but this one instance was an exception to any of the episodes you'd seen before. Rather than physically painful, it was emotionally painful.

"Buck?" you called out into the empty bedroom the two of you shared. You hadn't seen Bucky all day. When you awoke on this morning, Bucky wasn't beside you and instead he left a note in his place that stated he was going out for a run and that you should not go looking for him. Unlike any of his other notes, this one was not decorated with smiley faces or a flirtatious comment nor one of the pet names he frequently calls you. You inferred that it was probably best to leave him be and not go looking for him as suggested in case you made anything worse.

After completing all of the errands you had listed, you returned back to your shared apartment to discover that Bucky still wasn't home. This time there was no note but you could tell that he had been back. The running shoes that were missing this morning were now back in their rightful place and instead a different pair of shoes were gone along with one of Bucky's thickest jackets. He'd left a small cupcake on a plate in the kitchen which made a smile grace your face before you realised he'd left his keys right beside it. Bucky never forgot anything; as an ex military member, he was very good at being organised and prompt so you were sure he left these here intentionally. You just didn't know why.

You called Bucky's phone but heard it ring in your bedroom. He left his keys and his phone here. With a both aggravated and worried sigh, you dialled Steve's number and he picked up on the first ring. "Hey (Y/N), what's up?"

"I don't know where Bucky is. He left a note this morning saying he was going for a run and then I got back and his phone and keys are here and I don't-"

"Okay, slow down and take a breath. Yeah?" You followed Steve's instructions, allowing you some time to clear your mind. Steve began rattling off a series of places Bucky could be yet, none of them seemed right. The two of you had the most experience around Bucky and his 'episodes' and you knew what mood meant where he would go.

"Wait, that one. What's it called?"

"Roberto's Diner? Bucky hates that place though. The owner paid for new flooring and insists on having clean-"

"Shoes." you finished for him. You glanced at the muddy trainers Bucky had left askew in your wardrobe, your lips turning up ever so slightly. "Okay Steve, I'll check there. Send me the address." And he did just that so you wrapped a coat around your body and set off to find your boyfriend.

Upon arriving at the diner, you noticed that most of the seats were empty and so your eyes darted straight over to the seats you knew Bucky would want to sit at. His hooded figure was sitting exactly where you suspected he would be, with his gaze fixed on something through the window.

You sat across from him and immediately his bright, blue eyes flickered to you. "Why are you here? I told you not to come find me?" Although taken aback with his cold tone, you acted unfazed. The last thing you wanted was him thinking you were afraid of him.

"I was worried about you. You can tell me if you're having an episode again, Buck. I can help you." You extended your arm across the table and took his hand in yours. He looked at your intertwined hands and hesitated before pulling his hand away. "You should go."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, just go." Bucky diverted his gaze from you and looked out of the window as he did before you arrived. He was acting like you weren't even sitting across from him and you weren't sure what to do. Usually, Bucky couldn't stop looking at you but now he was trying his hardest not to. "Nothing is going to scare me off, Bucky. I love you and-"

"You don't love me." Bucky's tone was wavering, almost as if he was about to cry and your eyebrows furrowed at his statement. What did you do that made him believe that?

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you shouldn't love me. I've killed people, you know that? Why would you think I wouldn't do the same to you? You should be afraid of me." Tears were glazing Bucky's eyes and you did what he least expected you to do. You stood up and sat next to him on his side of the booth. Your hand rested on his arm as your other one tilted his head to face you.

"Listen to me. You didn't kill anyone, The Winter Soldier did and none of that is your fault and I understand that. That's why I know you won't hurt me and that's why I love you." His expression softened and you pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. "Thanks, doll."

"There he is." you teased and Bucky's face lit up with a small smile that he failed to conceal.

"Okay, let's order something to eat. I'm starving." you grinned, waving a waiter over.