The Entry To Hell

Chapter 1 - Part 1

Chicken has returned with another chapter.

i had a really shitty day, don't ask

half of this chapter was scripted whilst i was in the library

its very personal.

hope you enjoy.

I think the thing I hate most about being fat, is the fact that that's all you'll ever be.

Sure I can 'change my ways' or start a journey to a 'new me', but to the people I've always known. I'm always going to be fat.

I'm always going to be the person people look at first when food goes missing, or the person that gets judged for 'starving themselves', when in reality, I am eating a standard size portion. I will never have the confidence to wear a bikini; I will never wear a skirt without keeping constantly in mind that no one wants to see the back of my cellulite ridden thighs.

So when I hear girls who are perfectly proportionate, and perfectly thin, and have pretty faces talking shit about the fact that they're 'too fat', I think I have a right to be angry about that.

When a girl with a thigh gap says her thighs are too big, I think I have a right to punch her in the face.

Oh, but I couldn't do that because that would be bullying, and if a fat person bullies someone it immediately means their jealous.

No fucking shit.

That girl fails to realise that she will never experience chafing, or that so many people would lay on the fucking ground so she could walk over them.

And I'm not saying that all thin people are bad, okay. I'm just saying, to the people who don't appreciate their bodies - even when they're perfectly fine - that you are literally wanted by most of the population.

But then aren't I the world's biggest hypocrite?

Telling people that they look fine has become a hobby of mine. I think people are willing to trust a fat person's perspective on something more than a thin persons. Mostly because we aren't seeing something we're used to.

I think that self-conscious people tend to look at people physically worse than them because it gives them a sense of relief. It tells them: 'Well at least I'm not as fat as him.' Or 'At least my nose isn't taking over my face like hers.'

And I think that reaction is perfectly normal, because as humans we are expected to notice differences between what we know and something different.

Hell, mothers even buy kids the 'Spot The Difference' games.

And my mum brought that for me, which is probably one of the incredibly small things that contributed to my self-consciousness.

One thing I think a lot of people believe, is that fat people are oblivious to the fact that they're fat.

We have to look at ourselves in the mirror every day, then journey into society where there is bound to be one person who is better than you in every way.

We are well aware of our physical differentiation, thanks.

Now I can assure you that we don't have thoughts that are always centred on food. It's not like we sit in maths or are at work and just start spacing out, thinking:

Chicken Burger.

Meat Pie.

Lasagne.

Our thoughts focus on the same things everyone else does.

So, when I made eye contact with Caesar Salad, I think I was very much entitled to the wisp of pride that grew within me.

When he decided to come to my line in the canteen, I think I was very much entitled to the butterflies that awoke in my stomach.

When I held eye contact with him - for over a millisecond - as I moved from the start of the library to the rest of my class, I think I was very much entitled to the small smile I kept hidden.

But, when I watched him laughing and flirting, I know I wasn't entitled to the hope that I had.

When I believed that he was taking a photo of me, I know I was entitled to the disappointment that followed as the phone moved towards the teacher.

Because even if I'm 'perfect the way I am,' I know I'm not.

Or 'beautiful' despite my physical flaws, I know I'm not.

When people tell me that boys like girls who are 'bigger' - because saying fat is 'insensitive,' I know that that is for my personal benefit.

Because when I finally decide to wake the fuck up, I know that I am always going to be fat.

And no one like fat girls.