The Entry To Hell

happy

I've always b en the bubbly one, I'm known for being the one to I guess lighten a situation, either by spreading good vibes or embarrassing myself...

And believe it or not, as "happy" and bubbly and eager I am to have a laugh, it's really getting harder every day for me to fulfil my role...

I feel the constant need to make everyone else around me happy, I feel like it's my job to make sure they're never sad, and obviously the best way to do that is to be happy myself... which as said before, is getting really fucking hard..

I go through stages where things I'll finally get good in life, and bam everything turns to the fuckign shits, and I've noticed that with every cycle, the severity of my downhill and fall is increasing with every event...

I just feel like I don't deserve to be genuinely happy, I put on this facade with people around me and do my best to keep the lighthearted demeanour, but inside I'm fucking crumbling...

I honestly don't know how much longer I can go being this dopey fucjing airhead who's always go a smile on herself to please others, to always pretend I'm acting more tired than I actually am, to go on making self deprecating jokes in order for others to empathise and laugh, to go on being the happy burden...

People don't understand when I say I'm tired, they agree as if I'm talking physically tired from the lack of sleep I already get, but I really mean I'm exhausted in a depth I can't explain...

And maybe this is my karma, because apparently everything is my karma because my only purpose in life is to fulfil everyone else's needs and make sure they're okay, but I fail when I'm constantly asking and pleading for someone to listen to my problems (usually concerning our main focus of this book,cheesecake) only because I feel like he's the only thing I am talk to people about as I am way not at all comfortable talking about anything else that's actually killing me.

I try every time not to go to my friends and rant about my fucking pathetic shit to them, but I keep going back because I'm this selfish prick that doesn't understand that people have their own problems, and I can't always show up and shock them with my petty
Shit that is no way, shape or form even worth discussing...

Honestly, my counsellor hasn't called me up since last year and it's really fucking killing me because I could go for whatever session a free school counsellor can provide, however I refuse to approach her as other people have their own issues and more important matters to attend to....

So I guess me ranting here is an outlet, and I apologise to the two readers for being forced with this shit.