The Entry To Hell

An actual chapter- OREO

Hi, I'm not sure nor do I care for chapter numbers, this is more a gimmick and rant chapter, which I'll talk a bunch of stupid stuff that I just want to release I guess. Prepare for cringe, or cringe by the crush I'll call it. Prepare for second hand embarrassment, and don't be surprised if I accidentally reveal my baes name lol at this point I'm just confused and don't care as to what I write.

Also, I'm high on a bunch of caffeine and drank way too much coffee lol and even tho its like 11 pm, I know I won't be able to sleep bc yay insomnia and sleep terrors okee bye have fun, leave while you have the chance. ^-^

Maturity. Growth. Development.
Essentially, I find these words most connected to what he's helped me with.
Essentially, I have increased in these three with this crush.
Essentially, I'm using this word too many times lol k bye.

But seriously, a crush seems stupid. Just the word "crush" seems pathetic, right?
The general and free use of this word (especially by the people in my school) has lead it to be redefined to a whole mother level of un-dignified.
"Omg yeah I have a crush on tom like omg he's so cute, but like I broke up with dan last week okay he's now my old crush."
"Okay so I have a new crush, and he's just so cute and hot and ugh he's now my only crush."
"Crus this, crush that,"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but basically what I'm trying to say, the term 'crush' is gross.

Btw I warned y'all this chapter will be messy ok

My Crush though, as I have literally fallen in love at first sight, which I'll now explain in detail, in italics as I recall a flashback :

'Okay, you're first actual day of high school. New found freedom, redeemed independence, don't do anything stupid you piece of  shit.' My thoughts were quite vulgar if you would, the stress of year 7 had got to me, I had no friends, I was from an entirely different city, what else was I meant to think?
So I walk into my designated roll call room as my newly announced roll call teacher unlocks the door. I pick a seat in the third row of tables, seated at the far right, next to the painted and chipped brick wall. I take in my surroundings, thoroughly intrigued by these death masks made by a history class in 2014 as the names and year stated. I look up to see more people entering the room, I look back down at the table, awkwardly admiring my newly painted black nails as I try to occupy my stressed and anxious mind, however yet, feel my heart skip a beat, and a force pushing my head up to see a tall and broad beauty walk into the room. He sits down in the first row, on the seat to the furthest side of the right, next to the painted, chipped, brick wall. Directly a seat apart away from me. He turns as everyone else, facing the front of the room as that is somewhat the respective way to face, his broad (really freaking broad) back to me. I feel bombarded. I feel someone has thrown a blanket of fireworks on top of me, I struggle to breathe as I feel choked up and all tingly. I feel my stomach impounded with heavy butterflies. He turns slightly, sitting sideways in his chair, facing the left side of the room. His left arm resting on the back of the chair. He folds his arm up, his hand resting on his neck, his very beautiful neck. Elephants stampede my stomach. What is this feeling? Why is all this happening so quickly, yet everything seems in slow motion?
I was never one to believe in 'love' or 'love at first sight', because what stupid and pathetic trash is that? But after about a minute of all this happening, he had completely changed my mindset, he had miraculously managed to completey change my perspective, and I didn't even know his damn name.
This all sounds super cliche, I'm aware, but I can't even explain all that happened. But I'm continuing with the following events lol skip if ya want.
Our teacher walks in, carrying a green clip board folder thing, which I presumed was the roll. I was excited. Not for the right reasons, though. Not because this was my first actual day of high school, but I was yet to find out the name of the one dude who literally had just changed my life, if you would.
My name announced, first on the roll, due to respective alphabetical order. Welp, mystery guy and along with every other extra on the room turn to face me as I quietly, yet squeakily fail to manage to say "here," and falling into a massive voice crack instead, proceeded by a fit of chokes and coughs. God bless my soul.
'Great going, dumbass, way to introduce yourself.' The roll was then Proceeded to be called in graded alphabetical order, my keen ass excited to figure out his year and find out his name.

Ok Ye flashback done idk I you're still reading.

Now that I just shared the sad story of the beginning of my love life, my hands cramping as I type this, I'll now proceed to rant shít fully about him.

Even at my younger age, when I first met him, first started High school, made my first friends, I had always thought I was mature for my age.
I didn't grow up with glitter and unicorns, I never had any real friends, I was bullied all throughout primary school, ( trigger warning I guess) I started cutting at the age of 10, developed an eating disorder at the age of 11 and a bit I think, produced sleep terrors and paralysis at 12 and have had on and off insomnia.
Lols you're probably thinking how I started that shit at such a young age, well as I said, I was forced to grow quickly, and I had my reasons. Also this is anonymous so if you're subconsciously thinking I said this for attention, pls and thoroughly go fuck yourself lol K sorry bye.

Anyways, yes, so I thought I was the most mature bean in the land, that I would never have to change, all because I already knew of everything.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA I CRINGE THINKING BOUT IT.
I was immature. Very at that. And the point of immaturity lead me to go through the exaggerated stages of a crush.
Everything a normal person with a crush would do, I did 10x worse, or in a more obvious matter. I didn't  know the risks, I was delusional, blind, heck I'll probably regret writing this damn book in the future, but as all good highs do, I quit.
I had my fun, being reckless, careless, being a flustered piece of shit at the thought of him.
I had my fun riding my bike obviously down his street, getting close to his friends, writing him love letters on the tables at school, vandalising school property proclaiming 'my love for him (anonymously ofc), but realising it now, it wasn't fun, it was fucking stupid. Why was I so intent on showing off to my friends that I had balls? Why was I so keen in showcasing my confidence? It's because I was insecure, insecure about no one taking my 'crush' on him seriously. Insecure of people not believing me. Just generally insecure.
Lol also i am an insecure person lmfao my class now labels me as 'that insecure chick who regularly cuts herself and offers to tie nooses for people'.
Mostly because they think I'm joking about half the things I say, I agree with their fat shames, their slut shames, I agree with everything they say because I'm too insecure and tired to put up a fight :)

Anyways. This whole chapter is so messy ffffffudddgreee my ballsss...

Idk I'll probably just publish this one now bc otherwise I'll keep repeating the same thing because I'm super intent on getting my point across...
now I, not sure if anyone even reads this, but if you do, please comment lol bc I like new people and we should be friends and talk.

Also if you've made it this far, I appreciate and love you.

Not as much as I love hi, tho lol k bye you kawaii senpais ^~^

Peace- that emo scene kid who models for teen hearts lol bye

IM PANICKING TH SETTING MENU THING IDNT COMING UP IDK IF I CAM DAVE OR PH LICH YJIS WHY