The Entry To Hell

hi im sad

hi it's ore and I'm sad as usual but I've been thinking about this book a lot so I thought I'd write .

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(The bold font won't turn off so enjoy the chatter in bold writing)

Okay so many things have happened between cheesecake and I, which I' shall keep disclosed due to the most part being apart of a confidential activity we do together, but let me just tell you that our relationship had developed well, and we had became really close friends, if I do say so myself... we were comfortable with each other, and even though only I had the burden of a crush, it felt so natural with him, and he delivered the natural actions back, as if we just worked in harmony, ya know...
with humours and banter following us wherever and whenever we were physically near each other, it was almost.... almost as if we were an actual couple....

We were so close, I was so close, and I could've done it, I would've done it, I should've done it...

We would be destined to actually develop into being more than just friends, those times, those actions everything exchanged between us just had to lead to it....

But as if someone cursed me, jinxed me, put a hex on me... as if all my accumulated bad karma finally reaches up to me, and as dramatic as this sounds, the next minute, before I knew it, I lost him.

I lost him with every connection we had, with every chance we would get to see each other, he was taken away from me...

That activity we did together, due to circumstances, he had to leave that activity, refraining from us having weekday nights together...

The iconic roll call that was my only fucking damn reason for going to school, and him for being at school being the only fucking reason I even bother to wake up every day, well my roll call was split, and we were split, now losing weekday mornings together....

Our bus rides together that we used to talk and in our early stages, learn more about each other, well he doesn't catch the bus anymore, he's got other shit to do, which I'm proud of him for doing, but the big selfish prick in me loathes it.

Soon enough he'll be graduating school, leaving me lost, heartbroken and distorted, more than I already fucking am, without being able to see him, maybe ever again....

Now see, whoever is reading this book, you might be thinking:
'But Oreo, why don't you guys continue being friends as if those oh-so-tragic events never occurred?'
Now see buddy, absolutely fucking valid point, but remember that it takes two to tangle, and trust me, I've tried to fucking create conversation, I've tried to bring his spark back up,
But on the rare days where he does catch bus, the rare moments when we do meet eyes, and the ultra fucking rare blessings when we are side by side, walking to class or getting stuck in the busy corridors  of my school, it's almost as if we're strangers that would never dream of acknowledging each other's existence... I'm not sure why he's ignoring me, or just deciding I don't fucking exist,
But it makes me think,
All those conversations, all those emotions, all those rants we shared, everything we did, all the feelings I'm quite fucking sure we both inhabited,
What were the point of those?

Were they really just to torture me? To bring my highs, to make me drunk, to make me genuinely happy for once, to make me forget about everything else in my life that happens to be dysfunctional, to give me new hope for my life, making me think I'm not just a waste and I shouldn't go
fucking kill myself at this moment, was it all just so I could fall back into my old and fucking gruelling ways, to bring me back to whatever sadness this boy managed to fucking cure better than any medicine did, better than any friend did? Am I being punished for being too happy? Because I'm starting to fucking think so, because whenever something right in my fucking life goes right, whether it be in terms of cheesecake, family, school, anything you can fucking deal with in a normal life, something has to happen to remind me that I deserve a long life of sadness, of fault, of torture, of constant screaming, constant abuse, constant fucking pain.

So thank you, thank you to everything out there for putting me through this, thank you for whoever put this boy in my life, we had some pretty fucking good times... now for no, depending on whether or not I want to come back, this is goodbye.